Is my headline good enough?

17 years ago

Check this out it may help.

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ight=headlines

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MontelloMarketing

17 years ago

No man... it's not good. I'm sorry, it's just not.

Originally Posted by Intrepreneur

"Discover a 1-of-a-kind Method That EXPOSES a powerful way to MAXIMIZE YOUR PC's Performance and Security, BOOSTING Your Whole Computing Experience In Step By Step Help.."

I think it's good as it matche what my product is, what are your thoughts?

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Intrepreneur 17 years ago

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

No man... it's not good. I'm sorry, it's just not.

Why no explanation?

I've seen this exact headline layout used by pro's.
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- David Raybould 17 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Intrepreneur
  
  Why no explanation?
  
  I've seen this exact headline layout used by pro's.
  
  It doesn't matter if you've seen it work
  elsewhere.
  
  When a pro uses a headline it's because
  they put in the legwork researching the
  product and getting in the head of the
  target market.
  
  Not because they copied and pasted it
  from somewhere else.
  
  There's a whole deep strategy to this
  stuff.
  
  As for the no explanation part...
  
  I'd hazard a guess that as one of the
  most in-demand writers around, Vin may
  just have had something more important
  to do than give you free advice on how
  to make your headline better.
  
  Just keep trying with the letter. It takes
  time...
  
  -David Raybould
  
  Thanks
  
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  Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
  
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Alexa Smith

Banned 17 years ago

[DELETED]

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Jon Steel 17 years ago

Originally Posted by alexa_s

It's much too long.

I agree with alexa - it is super long like you wanted to say everything you possibly could in the headline. I've seen a lot of people do this and I don't understand why. Focus on KEY benefits and give them the rest in the copy -

js
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Loren Woirhaye

17 years ago

You are getting the hype part good - but does over-the-top
hype match the issues your target market is facing?

I doubt it does.

I don't know your product but I bet I know your customer -
over 40, tentative with computers, needing re-assurance,
concerned (probably excessively) about spam, hacking,
phishing scams, identity theft, and so forth.

So let's look there, ok?

If you were in the 40-80 age group, interested in computers
but pretty much clueless about security issues but wanting
to try (for example) "this make money online stuff" you
would be looking for a system to make sure your computer
is set up so it will do what you need as you explore new
areas with it.

You don't want hype. You want certainty. You want
reassurance.

You need to empathize with your target buyer. Even though
a portion of your buyers may be your age and share your
values (maybe wanting blinding-fast speed to play video
games) I bet the sweet-spot is the older customers...
and they are very much worth marketing to, but demand you
understand their concerns.

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Intrepreneur

17 years ago

Loren my target market is EVERYONE, I can bet many on this forum would even benfit from it.. judging by the questions they ask..

And if my target market in my hometown ranges from 8 years old to 60+ years old, it proves that my target is the same online doesn't it?

I just want to make sure I get it perfect and you've fairly outlined that the headline is good in comparison to what others have said.

Thanks, I knew it was a good headline just had to get some reassurance.

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BrianMcLeod

17 years ago

Originally Posted by Intrepreneur

Loren my target market is EVERYONE

Wrong, wrong, and more wrong.

Your target market is who is most likely to BUY your product...

EVERYONE cannot and will not be interested in what you offer, ever.

And if my target market in my hometown ranges from 8 years old to 60+ years old, it proves that my target is the same online doesn't it?

C'mon... You're bullshitting yourself. 8 years olds?

I just want to make sure I get it perfect and you've fairly outlined that the headline is good in comparison to what others have said.

Thanks, I knew it was a good headline just had to get some reassurance.

That last sentence and the defensive thought pattern that spawns it virtually guarantee failure...

Do you want to be "right" or do you want to make money?

As is, your headline reads like a mash up of power words that do more to OBSCURE what your product is all about than arouse curiosity or interest in it.

Brian

P. S. It's a lot more time consuming and difficult to explain where someone is going wrong than it is to say "looks good" or "good effort, way to go!".

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Direct Response Copywriting

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Loren Woirhaye

17 years ago

Nobody's target market is everyone. Perhaps your product
will benefit everyone who uses it, but your sales message
should be tailored to a specific demographic. Younger
buyers might buy from the hype but their major interest
is likely to be SPEED and performance.

Older buyers are more likely to be concerned with safety.
You can put both those appeals in your letter, but when
you split those two groups (and there will be others too)
it becomes clear that the same ad won't appeal to both
equally well. It's clear to me anyway.

Anyway - this headline you've got is what I call a
"kitchen sink headline" - meaning the writer tries to
throw in everything but the kitchen sink to get your
attention. Different sorts of headlines work in
different situations. Were you running a newspaper
space ad boldly promising:

"COMPUTER SAFETY"

Might be good. It's a meme - a compact packet of
information which has instantly comprehended meaning,
ie. "Lose Weight Fast".

For a WSO, or Craigslist ad however you will want to
approach your headline (a "click-me" line actually,
which is a little different in most cases). according
to the level of awareness of the problem your product
solves in the readership.

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Raydal

17 years ago

Originally Posted by Intrepreneur

"Discover a 1-of-a-kind Method That EXPOSES a powerful way to MAXIMIZE YOUR PC's Performance and Security, BOOSTING Your Whole Computing Experience In Step By Step Help.."

I think it's good as it matche what my product is, what are your thoughts?

How about ...

"How To Make Your PC Run Like New Again!"

Then you can use your present headline as the subhead.

-Ray Edwards

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Intrepreneur 17 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

How about ...

"How To Make Your PC Run Like New Again!"

Then you can use your present headline as the subhead.

-Ray Edwards

I've tried this headline, one like this in concept a few times and to be true to my produc that is singling out a large section of my target market.

That tells people that it speeds up your PC, but they aren't going to want it when they don't have a slow PC.

I can use that headline for a presell page but not my copy because it doesn't suit my product.

I'm going to give my copy one final draft and make a couple of presell pages to be precision tageted because it seems that I can make it all happen without the most super copy, and use the market skills of follow up.
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ragnartm

17 years ago

"Discover How You Can Easily DOUBLE Your PC's Performance Even With No Previous Experience"
Exchange double with "explode" or other words if you feel uncomfortable with "double" in your headline.

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BrianMcLeod

17 years ago

Don't make this harder than it has to be...

I would recommend you follow Ray's lead and keep it direct and simple.

"Discover The 7 Simple Secrets To A Permanently FAST PC!"

You too can finally have a blazing fast, rock-solid reliable PC
that never crashes and runs like new... forever!

Did you know that there are 3 things almost every PC user does that virtually GUARANTEE computer headeaches?

Did YOU make these same mistakes on your PC?

...

Develop your backstory a little...

Become the burned out PC super performance technician that is sick and tired of working on computers. His way out is to get people to take his system and do it themselves instead of coming to him.

Use visual imagery in your words and phrases, like: "Straight Off The Workbench..."

Paint a mental picture of you at your computer workbench, tools and hard drives whirring, tweaking PC's into the wee hours of the night.

You spend nearly every waking hour on your computer repair workbench making PC perform with blazing speed and rock-solid reliability.

To save time, you've developed a system.. a secret method of doing it over and over again that works like a champ!

The thing is, you're sick and tired of wasting your life away working on computers. So you decided to put together a simple, step-by-step plan that people can use to do everything themselves that YOU would charge them big bucks to do.

There's no reason to suffer with poor performance when your method is fool-proof and works every time... guaranteed!

Everyone comes to you because they have the same old PC headaches:

They have viruses or spyware
Their computer is running slow and sluggish all of a sudden
Their PC keeps crashing or locking up.
Their hard drives crash losing precious family photos and memories
Etc.

You spent months putting this system together in your spare time. Every time you'd have to work on a computer issue, you'd carefully document what the problem was and how to fix it.

You condensed all of that down into the simples, easiest steps that even a total technophobe will find easy to do themselves, with no help.

It's like a roadmap to follow for permanent trouble-free PC performance.

There ya go...

Brian

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David Raybould

17 years ago

Nice post Brian...

That post in itself is enough of an argument
to bring back the old "Buy Me A Beer" button...

You certainly earned a tall frosty one dude...

-David Raybould

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Intrepreneur

17 years ago

You know something Brian you summed it up, are you a copwriter or a mind reader?

Anyhow that was super adivice and I can't thank you enough for expanding one what I was already wiritng.. "whirring into the night" etc just makes complete sense to what I've done.

It sets my idea apart in an instant and that's as it should be, different.

This makes me feel like I know what I'm doing for a change although because of your very unique approach to my problem I wonder if you would when i'm finsihed do a critique for me?

Thank you buddy.

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BrianMcLeod

17 years ago

Originally Posted by Intrepreneur

You know something Brian you summed it up, are you a copwriter or a mind reader?

Heh.. Well, in a lot of ways being a copywriter IS like being a mind reader.

First, you climb inside the mind of the prospect and uncover his wants, needs, pains and fears...

Then, through the copy, you project him forward into an imagined experience of using what you sell to eliminate the problems, blast through the barriers and overcomes his fears and self-doubts.

When you've done that correctly, you make the sale. When you do it extremely well, you make LOTS of sales. : )

Anyhow that was super adivice and I can't thank you enough for expanding one what I was already wiritng.. "whirring into the night" etc just makes complete sense to what I've done.

It sets my idea apart in an instant and that's as it should be, different.

This makes me feel like I know what I'm doing for a change although because of your very unique approach to my problem I wonder if you would when i'm finsihed do a critique for me?

Thank you buddy.

My pleasure, I hope it helps you.

And sure... I'll take a peek at it when you get done.

Best,

Brian