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Sales Copy Help

by Coinz15
12 replies
I have a product that I sell on Amazon and we just got a copy created on elance.
We have two buttons on the page... one to the site order page and one to the amazon page.

Im thinking of getting a video on it, but still not too sure.

Can you guys take a look and weigh in on if it needs help. I sent 50 clicks off adwords and got no purchases. dont wanna waste money if it sucks.

X-SLIM

X-SLIM
#copy #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    These are pitifully bad.

    Sorry, but these wouldn't even work as presell. Zero credibility. Zero authority. Zero story. And horribly, horribly written. Embarrassing copy. Just God awful.

    Traffic? Um, no.

    I won't even bother giving specific critiques (although I'd love to see Mal take a shot.)

    Start completely over. Hire someone who knows what they're doing.

    Sorry, but what the hell were you thinking?

    Mark

    P.S. To compete in this HUGE market, you need a big budget. I can only imagine what you paid on Elance.
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  • Profile picture of the author michaelpotter
    Did you really pay someone on Elance for those?
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Whorever laid out those pages is a moron. I couldn't work the head out at first.
    The hot you is trapped inside the fat you let the hot you break free
    Then I realised the "let the hot you break free" should be on a different line. And not in yellow so that you're reading "fat you let the hot you break free". So it should look like this -

    The "hot you" is trapped inside the "fat you"...

    Let the "hot you" break free

    As for the copy? Usual spurious claims. Zero credibility. Fix that head and you might do better. Plenty of dopes out there that will fall for this snake-oil.
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    • Profile picture of the author Coinz15
      so who should we hire? and what budget should we have?

      We honestly don't know where to go to.

      We have repeat buyers and make sales, when we send traffic directly to the amazon product page. We just wanna be able to presell before they get to the amazon page.
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    • Profile picture of the author shakamon
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Whorever laid out those pages is a moron. I couldn't work the head out at first. Then I realised the "let the hot you break free" should be on a different line. And not in yellow so that you're reading "fat you let the hot you break free". So it should look like this -

      The "hot you" is trapped inside the "fat you"...

      Let the "hot you" break free
      Yah they blew it on the header, I couldn't make sense of it. Even laid out properly it reads weird.
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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Plenty of dopes out there that will fall for this snake-oil.
      Is that right?

      True, you'd have to be a dope to fall for it -- but are pages like that actually converting?
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  • Profile picture of the author Quality Copywriter
    my hot self is trapped inside a very confused self...trying to work out the headline.

    way to go...

    Confuse the hell out of the customer and call them fat from the "get go"

    you're on a roll.

    id ask for a refund.
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  • Profile picture of the author ATAC
    Are you kidding ?
    Seriously is this a joke?

    If so its kinda funny ...If not I think you better fire the person that wrote that !
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I think we've established it does need a complete overhaul and a rewrite.

    Whoever you choose make sure they pay close attention to the "treasure trove"

    And wtf is that I can hear you ask?

    The positive amazon reviews.

    There are a few glowing comments that should be blended into the copy (and the product description on the amazon page isn't too shabby).


    Steve
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