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This sales letter decides if I get a job. Any input is appreciated

by djs13
10 replies
I am not a great copywriter. But I am applying to a company that has a large direct response team who hires entry level people like me. They also have a 9-month training program which sounds awesome and I'll be able to move from the cold Northeast!

My task is to write a 1-3 page letter selling myself. I wrote this letter today on my day off from work. I think it is far from great, but I wanted to share with WF to get your opinion first.

Here is the letter. Thank you for reading.
#appreciated #decides #input #job #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Handy hint: don't waste valuable real estate (your first few lines) telling your prospect what you and he both already know he wants.

    Not a bad start. The election story is very interesting.

    Put it away for now and start thinking about/researching what your copy chief wants.

    Talent. Drive. Dedication. Follow through. Ability to learn and apply what you've learned. Willingness to take risks. Being unafraid to throw ideas out there.

    That and so much more.

    So don't tell him what he wants. Show that YOU are what he wants. Get some subheads in there to break things up and highlight your winning qualities.

    And change the focus. Yes, you're technically selling you, but it doesn't have to read all about DJ, know what I'm saying? Make your story about being the best possible fit for the copy manager who is going to read this.

    Rick Duris does a great job of that on his about page at copyranger.com.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Handy hint: don't waste valuable real estate (your first few lines) telling your prospect what you and he both already know he wants.

      Not a bad start. The election story is very interesting.

      Put it away for now and start thinking about/researching what your copy chief wants.

      Talent. Drive. Dedication. Follow through. Ability to learn and apply what you've learned. Willingness to take risks. Being unafraid to throw ideas out there.

      That and so much more.

      So don't tell him what he wants. Show that YOU are what he wants. Get some subheads in there to break things up and highlight your winning qualities.

      And change the focus. Yes, you're technically selling you, but it doesn't have to read all about DJ, know what I'm saying? Make your story about being the best possible fit for the copy manager who is going to read this.

      Rick Duris does a great job of that on his about page at copyranger.com.
      Thanks, Angie.

      Angie nailed it--research is THE key to writing the letter and landing the job.

      What that copy chief has done is set a trap. And you fell for it.

      "My task is to write a 1-3 page letter selling myself..."

      That letter should NOT be about you. It should be about THEM. Again, Angie nailed it.

      Find out what ails them, and then twist the knife. Pour salt in the wound(s).

      Then present yourself as the only viable option.

      Every company has goals, challenges, strengths, threats, opportunities and weaknesses. Find out what they are and position yourself as being singularly and uniquely able to help.

      You have some homework ahead of you.

      - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author splitTest
        I think it's pretty good reading. Uses the "nested loop" pretty well to keep you going. Tells an interesting story.

        I agree with angie's point that you could've used that precious real estate at the start of the letter to address the needs of the company more specifically. The sentence about "how many times have they hired a copywriter..." sounds generic, a throwaway line... And the line about beating controls? Well what controls have you beaten? If none, that's another generic, throwaway line...

        If "hungry hustle harder" is your "USP," you do a pretty good job of selling that with your story and the "throw me a product" challenge at the end of the letter. But, as everyone else is saying, you'd do well to address the needs of your target more specifically in this "one shot" letter. Show that you know something about the job and the industry.

        In short, great style, well done, and if you'd wrap all that talent around some solid data about the company and its needs, I think you'll knock it out of the ballpark.

        P.S. I'm a little put off by your implicitly referring to yourself as an "it." Might wanna recast that somehow....
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        • Profile picture of the author djs13
          Thank you for the feedback from all three of you. Everything you guys have said is exactly what I was missing, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

          I definitely have some homework to do. I'll probably spend my free time this week finding answers and I'll post my final version whenever I complete it.

          Thank you again.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    As mentioned by the others, join the conversation already going on his mind. Find out the company's top three clients. I guarantee the first things he thinks about in the morning and the last things at night are about his top clients. Are they happy? Why not? What can we do to maximize profit? What are we not doing that our competitors may be pitching them? How can we make more sales for them? How can we make bigger profit for them?
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author djs13
      Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

      As mentioned by the others, join the conversation already going on his mind. Find out the company's top three clients. I guarantee the first things he thinks about in the morning and the last things at night are about his top clients. Are they happy? Why not? What can we do to maximize profit? What are we not doing that our competitors may be pitching them? How can we make more sales for them? How can we make bigger profit for them?
      This is where my weakness lies. I am applying to a publishing company and although their value proposition/content is interesting to me, the main source of my interest comes from their reputation of being a copywriting powerhouse.

      I think I need to dig deeper into the information products they provide and try to speak to people who are actual subscribers.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I disagree with pretty much all the above replies - excepting the "referring to yourself as an "it" - that stood out like dogballs. Horrible.

    I've been down this path myself. Many years ago I had a compact with my parents that if I found a job in advertising they approved of they'd let me leave school. I was 16.

    I door-knocked all the main agencies in my city. Didn't get past the door-keepers in most. But J. Walter Thompson - then the world's biggest and best ad agency - gave me an interview and set me the task of "tell us the story of your life in 1,000 words" - amongst other trials.

    They weren't looking for me to supply a concept for Ford or Kraft or Kellogs or any one of the other bluechip clients they had.

    They wanted to see what made me tick... what my thought processes were... and whether I could sell myself.

    I must have made a fair job of it because they took me on.

    Now... your letter. Just from that I'd give you a start. Its rough and ready but it shows you have passion and half a brain and can string a sentence together.

    But you need to "cut to the chase". Get rid of the fluff. Hack and slash.

    And for God's sake don't go telling the guy what he needs. He knows what he needs.

    Let's see what I can do with this -

    Dear Mr. XXXXXXXX,

    When I grow up I want to be an advertising copywriter.

    Five years ago I was a freshman in college interning for a State Assemblyman in Upstate New York. There was a local race for Councilman in one of the towns in the Assemblyman's district. The town happened to be mine and one of the candidates had dropped out of the race unexpectedly.

    Assemblyman Joel Miller suggested I throw my hat in the ring. At first I thought he was crazy - I was only 18 years old! I barely knew anything about local politics or the issues. Joel told me, "You will learn by doing, what's the worst that can happen?"

    So I entered the primary election and I won it. But little did I know things were going to get much more difficult.

    My opponent - we'll call him "Mister X" - had been in office for 21 years. He was wealthy and his much younger ex-model wife owned a magazine that was distributed throughout the area. 70% of the town's registered voters were aligned with his political party.

    I had my work cut out for me.

    The biggest dagger of them all was that Mister X ran an extensive door-to-door campaign. He had an army of volunteers that knocked on every registered voter's door.

    I knocked on doors too, but I could barely keep up because of my schedule. I was taking 16 credit hours, the internship had ended but I replaced it with a desk clerk job at a mini-golf store to keep my income steady.

    Then it hit me.

    X and his people were knocking on more doors than me but that didn't mean I couldn't get through to as many people.

    So I bought 2,000 envelopes and postage stamps and drafted a one page letter that would end up going down in Union Vale political history.

    In the letter I grabbed the reader's attention by emphasizing the importance of the upcoming election.

    I introduced myself and acknowledged I was only 18 summers old.

    I talked about how Mister X enacted a law the previous year which required board approval to speak at town meetings.

    I knew a lot of people hated that and I promised to repeal it when elected.

    I included my cell number at the end of the letter with a rider - "Call me ANY TIME - even if it's two in the morning and you can't sleep you're so pissed about that law and you need to vent to someone".

    I damn-near gave myself Carpal Tunnel signing all 2,000 letters and sent them off.

    A week later my phone started ringing off the hook. At all hours of the day and night.

    Half of them were crank calls and hookers looking for clients, but still...

    Some of them turned out to be Voters. They asked for yard signs, if they could hold a fundraiser for me and how they could help with the campaign.

    They really hated that stupid law and couldn't wait to see the back of Mister X and his trophy wife.

    Election Day was two weeks later. 1,284 people voted, 773 for John and 551 for me. I lost by 182 votes to a guy who was in office before I was born.

    Ah well...

    The lesson I took away from this experience was invaluable.

    I learned how a well-crafted advertisement or letter could motivate someone to vote, to act or to buy.

    Copywriting became a passion for me, I just didn't know the term yet.

    Fast forward three years later to the beginning of my senior year. I decided customer acquisition was what I wanted to do with my life.

    Instead of interning for a local business in Upstate New York, I reached out to a San Francisco-based technology company offering my help on a remote basis.

    The VP of Marketing liked my letter and hired me. During the last eight months of school I marketed Vastrm's mass-customized clothing online. You may have seen some of their spots.

    I wanted to change their tagline from "Vastrm Custom Tailored Polos: For Work, Life and Play" to "Vastrm Custom Tailored Polos: dressing players for over 100 years".

    They didn't go for it. Perhaps having a graphic of gangbangers and rap-artists in Vastrm hoods wasn't quite the look for this old established conservative blueblood firm.

    Vastrm's playbook consisted of PPC-ads, blog/inbound articles and e-mail marketing.

    Even though they didn't like my tag idea I did end up having a home-run.

    I wrote an article on how to determine if a polo fits well and included links to Vastrm's product pages.

    That article got "stickied" to the sidebar of the Subreddit /r/malefashionadvice.

    This resulted in thousands of free impressions for the company.

    So that was something.

    As you can see I'm pretty much a beginner at all this. But I'm hungry to learn.

    I read Caples and Ogilvy and Halbert every night before sleeping. And yeah - I often have dreams about fixing the noisy clock in the Rolls-Royce (what's with that anyway?)

    Best Regards,
    DJ

    PS: call me ANYTIME on my cell - XXXXXXX - If I'm asleep I may answer with something nonsensical like "At 60 Miles Per Hour, the loudest noise inside the new Vastrm Hoodie comes from...
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    If I used Mal's letter (adapting it ever so slightly to my experience and style).

    And didn't get the job.

    I would know it isn't a company I want to work for.


    Steve
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    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author khuldoon
    i read your letter and i want to inform you that you did great job but i also face few issues in your pitch and elaboration of your work in writing have some issues regarding the perfect tone and capacity to do that but its good it is very good if you make it bit smaller as compared to current one which is quite lenghty
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidTile
    The first couple responses from Angie and Rick have it right. You should be talking about your audience (the Copy Chief) first. However, I'd start by telling him/her you noticed what their organization is doing right -- not with obvious flattery, but through a positive and well-researched commentary. Then, point out what "ails them" and how you can help provide the cure.
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    www.nimblemedia.ca
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