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Website Critique Requested

by Sajun Becker
26 replies
Hi folks, my name is Sajun Becker, The Sales Letter Specialist.

I've recently re-invigorated my website and would appreciate personal feedback from the position of fellow copywriters.

You can give it a look at: The Sales Letter Specialist | Sajun Becker


Thanks for your time.
#copywriting #critique #requested #sales letter #website
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    The last time you asked, I came out of my hibernation to write a line-by-line critique of this (sorry, Sajun, I'm not spending the time again).

    But before I could hit post, the thread had disappeared.

    And I noticed another thread asking for a critique vanished earlier on.

    What's going on? Have the rules changed for asking for a critique?
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
      Andrew, I found you assesment to be quite helpful and I thank you for the effort, of course there is no obligation to write a fresh one.

      If I'm in any sort of viloation of the forum rules, I will take down this posting immediately, until I recieve such a notofication (or this thread ups in a wisp of smoke) I would love to know what you guy's and gal's make of my website.

      Thank you for your time and consideration,

      Sajun
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    • Profile picture of the author Rod Cortez
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      The last time you asked, I came out of my hibernation to write a line-by-line critique of this (sorry, Sajun, I'm not spending the time again).

      But before I could hit post, the thread had disappeared.

      And I noticed another thread asking for a critique vanished earlier on.

      What's going on? Have the rules changed for asking for a critique?
      Andrew,

      How long ago was this? I would like to investigate this further. My understanding is that web site critiques are allowed in the CW forum.

      RoD
      WF Moderator
      Signature
      "Your personal philosophy is the greatest determining factor in how your life works out."
      - Jim Rohn
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by Rod Cortez View Post

        How long ago was this?
        Not too long, only about a week or two ago, Rod.
        Signature

        Andrew Gould

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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Sajun,

          I approached your site completely as a potential
          client, The reason for that is I'm not a copy writer.

          Your sales letter/site didn't do much for me.

          The headline to me seems a bit misleading as it
          made me feel like you were going to tell me how
          to write a sales letter.

          Way to much about "I" and not enough about the
          client. That is my 2 cents worth.

          Ken
          Signature
          Ghost Writing Services Coming Soon


          So Check Out My WSO
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          • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
            Thank you all for your critques and evaluations, they are much appreciated.

            I will take some of your criticsms and observation into serious consideration with respect to my long-term outlook.

            I really value brutal honesty, praticularly when there is "room for improvement."


            Sajun
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    I, I, I, me, me, me... Then maybe you, but RIGHT BACK to me.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    the good: I've seen worse, not bad at all. There's no hype at all which brightens my heart. The formatting makes it easier to read.

    the bad: Why would I hire you vs the other thousand copywriters? Why do I need a copywriter in the first place?

    maybe I am taking it out of context and your marketing answers these questions and your sales page is more about you and your service.

    -Jon

    Originally Posted by Sajun Becker View Post

    Hi folks, my name is Sajun Becker, The Sales Letter Specialist.

    I've recently re-invigorated my website and would appreciate personal feedback from the position of fellow copywriters.

    You can give it a look at: The Sales Letter Specialist | Sajun Becker


    Thanks for your time.
    Signature
    "How to value a business or Website for purchase"
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    Sorry, but for a number of reasons, I really don't like it at all.

    You say in your P.S. that this is an example of a sales letter and the kind of thing you'll deliver for the client. But it's just a collection of bullet points. Let's be honest, it's not much of a sales letter, is it?

    Seems like you're trying to educate on what a copywriter is and the value they offer. Pretty much setting yourself up to go after the bottom-feeders with this approach. Is this what you want?

    There's no proof, credibility, specifics or any of a number of other things that would make me want to hire you. It looks like you've spent about 10 minutes putting it together. Is this what I could expect if I hired you? This is about what I'd expect if I hired someone off fiverr. Are your prices in this range?

    Not a fan of the blog theme you've chosen, the site looks cheap. There are much better options you could go with that look a lot more professional.

    Testimonials are pretty weak with no details or specific results.

    Overall I get the impression that you're more of a content/article writer who is trying to break into copywriting. Maybe this isn't the case, it's just how it comes across.

    I'd suggest studying other sites and seeing what successful copywriters are doing. And work on things like your hook, positioning, personality etc. The whole thing is very bland and forgettable.
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  • Profile picture of the author jrigdon73
    Not sure why you decided to use bullet points -- you're not listing or ranking anything.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Sajun,

    You're not a copwriter.

    Your homepage "introduction" isn't a sales letter.

    And your definition of what a copywriter is... is wrong.

    Don't rush into this business unarmed with the talent, insights and tools to write successful copy. You'll hate yourself for it. You really will. You'll create one toxic client-relationship after another - leaving you drained, burnt out, resentful, angry, frustrated... and confused about why "this is all happening to you."

    Take a step back. Stop trying to market yourself as a copywriter. Start diving into all the books and courses you can shake a stick at.

    If you've got a passion for this; if you really want to help clients move mountains and make tons of money, you'll dive into learning - before trying to position yourself in the marketplace. Because let's be honest... you don't even understand positioning yet. If you did, this letter would have never existed.

    This message, like me, will self-destruct.

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Sajun,

      You're not a copwriter.

      Your homepage "introduction" isn't a sales letter.

      And your definition of what a copywriter is... is wrong.

      Don't rush into this business unarmed with the talent, insights and tools to write successful copy. You'll hate yourself for it. You really will. You'll create one toxic client-relationship after another - leaving you drained, burnt out, resentful, angry, frustrated... and confused about why "this is all happening to you."

      Take a step back. Stop trying to market yourself as a copywriter. Start diving into all the books and courses you can shake a stick at.

      If you've got a passion for this; if you really want to help clients move mountains and make tons of money, you'll dive into learning - before trying to position yourself in the marketplace. Because let's be honest... you don't even understand positioning yet. If you did, this letter would have never existed.

      This message, like me, will self-destruct.

      Mark
      Mark,

      I am not one to throw a fit on the vacuum of the internet, but I contest your idea that I am "not a copywriter."

      I make my living writing copy and I'm damn proud of it.

      That being said, I agree with you that I need to restructure components of my angling, which is exactly why I wanted to gauge the opinions of a few fellow copywriters.

      I am not a beginner in this field, but I will always be a learner, which is an attitude any of us with a helping of sense could agree with.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by Sajun Becker View Post

        Mark,

        I am not one to throw a fit on the vacuum of the internet, but I contest your idea that I am "not a copywriter."

        I make my living writing copy and I'm damn proud of it.

        That being said, I agree with you that I need to restructure components of my angling, which is exactly why I wanted to gauge the opinions of a few fellow copywriters.

        I am not a beginner in this field, but I will always be a learner, which is an attitude any of us with a helping of sense could agree with.
        Sajun, I appreciate your pride. Let me ask you a question. Two questions really.

        What types of clients have you had your greatest success with in the past? What are the general patterns? What did you do for them? What were your results?

        Who is your IDEAL client? Be specific. Paint us a picture.

        - Rick Duris
        Signature
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        • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Sajun, I appreciate your pride. Let me ask you a question. Two questions really.

          What types of clients have you had your greatest success with in the past? What are the general patterns? What did you do for them? What were your results?

          Who is your IDEAL client? Be specific. Paint us a picture.

          - Rick Duris

          Rick,

          All of my clients thus far have been in the weight loss and "coaching" industries.

          I won't divulge personal information about my clients, as I find that a breach of writer-client ethical relations.

          I have found sucess writin mid-length and long form sales letters to smaller-to-midscale business.

          These businesses are almost headed by a single person, acting as a personality entity, for which I represent in my copy.

          My ideal client is a medium-sized businesses or company in need of "personality branding" in the form of an expertly written sales letter.
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          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by Sajun Becker View Post

            Rick,

            All of my clients thus far have been in the weight loss and "coaching" industries.

            I won't divulge personal information about my clients, as I find that a breach of writer-client ethical relations.

            I have found sucess writin mid-length and long form sales letters to smaller-to-midscale business.

            These businesses are almost headed by a single person, acting as a personality entity, for which I represent in my copy.

            My ideal client is a medium-sized businesses or company in need of "personality branding" in the form of an expertly written sales letter.
            Originally Posted by Sajun Becker View Post

            Rick,

            All of my clients thus far have been in the weight loss and "coaching" industries.

            I won't divulge personal information about my clients, as I find that a breach of writer-client ethical relations.

            I have found sucess writin mid-length and long form sales letters to smaller-to-midscale business.

            These businesses are almost headed by a single person, acting as a personality entity, for which I represent in my copy.

            My ideal client is a medium-sized businesses or company in need of "personality branding" in the form of an expertly written sales letter.
            Ok, cool. Now...

            Do you have an interest in getting more weight loss and coaching Clients? Were they a good fit for you?

            Do you have an interest in getting more Clients like the ones you've had previous success with?

            Do you think your website puts your best foot forward if you were to go 'after medium-sized businesses or company in need of "personality branding"'?

            Do you think an expertly written sales letter is a great way to do "personality branding"?

            Would please show us a sample of anyone written by anyone that uses sales letter that do personality branding? Who do you admire?

            Are you in a position financially, where you can focus on attracting your ideal Client? Or are you at the stage where you'll accept any assignment which you're capable of?

            I'm not trying to challenge you. I'm trying to find out more information, so we can help you.

            - Rick Duris
            Signature
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            • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
              Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

              Ok, cool. Now...

              Do you have an interest in getting more weight loss and coaching Clients? Were they a good fit for you?

              Do you have an interest in getting more Clients like the ones you've had previous success with?

              Do you think your website puts your best foot forward if you were to go 'after medium-sized businesses or company in need of "personality branding"'?

              Do you think an expertly written sales letter is a great way to do "personality branding"?

              Would please show us a sample of anyone written by anyone that uses sales letter that do personality branding? Who do you admire?

              Are you in a position financially, where you can focus on attracting your ideal Client? Or are you at the stage where you'll accept any assignment which you're capable of?

              I'm not trying to challenge you. I'm trying to find out more information, so we can help you.

              - Rick Duris

              I've been fairly happy with the clients I've worked with - though I work with the intention of expanding.

              I can see that my positioning is somewhat weak-footed, no doubt a product of my own "tunnel vision."

              I intend to take some of the critiques I've recived in this forum into serious cosnideration while reforming parts of my website.

              I'm not accepting every single client I come across (particualrly the bottom feeders and time wasters who won't understand the value of copy), but I would like to stay mostly in my current client scale.
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              • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                Originally Posted by Sajun Becker View Post

                I've been fairly happy with the clients I've worked with - though I work with the intention of expanding.

                I can see that my positioning is somewhat weak-footed, no doubt a product of my own "tunnel vision."

                I intend to take some of the critiques I've recived in this forum into serious cosnideration while reforming parts of my website.

                I'm not accepting every single client I come across (particualrly the bottom feeders and time wasters who won't understand the value of copy), but I would like to stay mostly in my current client scale.
                Then with that in mind...

                1. Your website is unmemorable.

                2. Educating a person about what a copywriter is WILL attract a class of clients who don't understand the value of a copywriter.

                Not only that, your copy breaks a couple big rules of what good copy is, businesspeople who do know what good copy is will be turned off.

                I know what you're going to ask. "What rules?"

                a. Your letter lacks a call to action. It's little more than an article about you and what copywriter can bring to the table.

                b. It's primarily about you. Not about the potential client and their problems, issues and opportunities.

                c. You don't call out to any market specifically.

                d. It is emotionless.

                I AM sure of one thing. This letter will resonate with people who want this type of letter. So if that was your intention, consider it accomplished.

                Good luck.

                - Rick Duris
                Signature
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                • Profile picture of the author Sajun Becker
                  Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                  Then with that in mind...

                  1. Your website is unmemorable.

                  2. Educating a person about what a copywriter is WILL attract a class of clients who don't understand the value of a copywriter.

                  Not only that, your copy breaks a couple big rules of what good copy is, businesspeople who do know what good copy is will be turned off.

                  I know what you're going to ask. "What rules?"

                  a. Your letter lacks a call to action. It's little more than an article about you and what copywriter can bring to the table.

                  b. It's primarily about you. Not about the potential client and their problems, issues and opportunities.

                  c. You don't call out to any market specifically.

                  d. It is emotionless.

                  I AM sure of one thing. This letter will resonate with people who want this type of letter. So if that was your intention, consider it accomplished.

                  Good luck.

                  - Rick Duris

                  Mark,

                  Thank you for your breakdown.

                  One of my biggest problems thus far has been a failing to connect with other copywriters - so this input is much appreciated.

                  I am currently constructing a major reform of my website mainpage.

                  Thanks all.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Sajun,

      You're not a copwriter.

      Your homepage "introduction" isn't a sales letter.

      And your definition of what a copywriter is... is wrong.

      Don't rush into this business unarmed with the talent, insights and tools to write successful copy. You'll hate yourself for it. You really will. You'll create one toxic client-relationship after another - leaving you drained, burnt out, resentful, angry, frustrated... and confused about why "this is all happening to you."

      Take a step back. Stop trying to market yourself as a copywriter. Start diving into all the books and courses you can shake a stick at.

      If you've got a passion for this; if you really want to help clients move mountains and make tons of money, you'll dive into learning - before trying to position yourself in the marketplace. Because let's be honest... you don't even understand positioning yet. If you did, this letter would have never existed.

      This message, like me, will self-destruct.

      Mark
      And yet in the first post on your blog you say
      Don't ever believe anybody who tells you what you can't do.
      Who do you think you are anyway? Your own copy has a million holes in it and you have a lot to learn. Cut the guy some slack instead of being an a**hole. There's enough a**holes here already (he says looking at the mirror) without you adding to it.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        And yet in the first post on your blog you say Who do you think you are anyway? Your own copy has a million holes in it and you have a lot to learn. Cut the guy some slack instead of being an a**hole. There's enough a**holes here already (he says looking at the mirror) without you adding to it.
        My blog isn't meant to attract clients. Not anymore. It's almost like a diary. But I get your point. Funny thing, someone found it (before I put it in my sig) and hired me. So does it convert? Yup. Do the holes matter? Nope.

        And Sajun fended for himself just fine. I can't tell him what he can't do. If he believes in himself and is willing to take the hits, sky's the limit.

        P.S. Remember Nick Nordstrom Mal? You we're a total a-hole to him. But he listened... and applied. He became a pretty frickin' good copywriter, quickly.
        Signature

        Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

          My blog isn't meant to attract clients. Not anymore. It's almost like a diary. But I get your point. Funny thing, someone found it (before I put it in my sig) and hired me. So does it convert? Yup. Do the holes matter? Nope.

          And Sajun fended for himself just fine. I can't tell him what he can't do. If he believes in himself and is willing to take the hits, sky's the limit.

          P.S. Remember Nick Nordstrom Mal? You we're a total a-hole to him. But he listened... and applied. He became a pretty frickin' good copywriter, quickly.
          Yeah I remember Nick. I gave him some good advice. Which he thanked me for, saying
          Your rewrite -- which I greatly appreciate
          Read it again. We had some fun with that one. http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post5201183

          I gave the dude some solid help.
          Quote:
          Kill yourself. Go jump off a cliff right now. Your writing is terrible. Atrocious. Straight out of the School of No Idea.


          Nick: I chuckled to myself when I read that. Mind if I use this as a testimonial?

          For a second, I thought about being offended. But understand what you're trying to do. So thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Sajun,

    Your "pitch" is trying to be good but ends up being bland.

    You have to get out of the own way.

    And get into the heads of your clients.

    Write from their point of view. Not yours.


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    I'm starting to think "kill yourself" is Mal speak for "scrap it, start again, get your shit together".

    A regular motivational speaker LOL.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author BudaBrit
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      I'm starting to think "kill yourself" is Mal speak for "scrap it, start again, get your shit together".

      A regular motivational speaker LOL.
      Thing is...you fecking well listen!
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Aha...

    I believe I can see the beginning of a rather good USP.

    Could it be "Personality Branding"

    Do clients have a "personality" that they would like their clients to know about.

    I think many do.

    So would a copywriter who concentrates on such a thing do well.

    I think they might.


    Steve


    P.S. Of course a business, company, product or service can have a "personality" as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanteRomero
    This copy seems unclear about its purpose. With copy that short, you'd need to be doing it just to get leads... and then doing the majority of the sale over the phone when they meet with you.

    It doesn't have an interesting/captivating opening.
    It brings in discussing you and the product before even mentioning their needs.
    Wasting bullet space with word play and trying to be clever
    Lack of good proof elements.

    I'll stop there. You spend the whole letter except for a couple bullets talking about what YOU do. Tell them about what THEY want and how THEY can get it instead. And only when you slide into the pitch near the end does any mention of you come up. Which then would be the time to demonstrate your capabilities.

    Perhaps do a writing exercise of getting crystal clear about your sales funnel. And then how this letter fits into that. And make the letter bend to that goal (within your sales funnel).
    Signature

    "Perfection isn't important. Improvement is."

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