Copy Critique Please

It's a good first attempt.

The biggest place this letter will fail is in the response mechanism.

To ask the reader to email you or call you (a sales person) for the report is suicide.

Use an 800 number recorded message to deliver the report OR a landing page (I'd use a PURL) or both.

A lot of people might want the info but not enough to call a salesperson - they have a fear of being sold.

Jake, do you have a list of buyers on your books?

What would be more compelling to your seller,
saying you can sell his apartment....

or...

You have a buyer interested in it?

The closer you can engineer you have buyers wanting to buy,
then more deals get closed, faster.

Best,
Doctor E.Vile

Jake,

In the cut throat, ultra competitive dog eat dog world of real estate… filled to the rafters with false promises and bullshit, with clients left desperate and stranded (am I overdoing it a bit?).

You not only want to be seen as THE true specialist in SELLING apartments but as one of the really good guys.

The go to guy.

So, I would be tempted to go all out and send a huge "shock and awe" box.

(It's a Dan Kennedy "technique")

Pile lots and lots of useful stuff, neatly wrapped in tissue into a smart box.

Your letter.

Your book - get it professionally printed,

A dvd and cd's explaining everything you'll do. And what others won't do.

A glossy book full of testimonials.

Plus every conceivable piece of information you think your people will enjoy (and which makes them utterly compelled to call you).

With a big box of luxury cookies and a packet of fresh coffee -"sit down, put your feet up and relax - your problems are over"

And a good bottle of wine - "to celebrate a very imminent sale"

Maybe a "guarantee" that you will sell the apartment within a certain time.

With some kind of a "cash back" if you don't.

Might us well enclose a picture frame so they can put the $1.00 in it.

Make it a $50.00 bill.


Steve


P.S. For goodness sake only do all this if you "know" that you can sell the apartments

Looks like it's at least worth testing to me. Engaging, uses fear pretty well, clear, not a lot of hype. Not a bad start.

John's point about response makes sense. You plan to send the report with the letter, and hope it moves prospects enough to phone or email you... I understand, you don't want leads in this case ... but to wait for them to get in touch seems a risky bet.

Instead, you might want to mention that you plan to phone them as a follow-up right there in your letter...but then again, this caliber of prospect might be hard to simply phone. ..(?)

Maybe you make responding as easy as dropping the enclosed postage-paid brc in the mail? (...which lets them enter a phone number and tick off a best time to call?) At least it's low involvement, unlike phoning or writing an email to a strange salesperson.

Of course, mack's suggestion is best of all -- let the seller know you have hot leads for them. Does your report do that? Can you actually promise that?

Go out and get yourself a copy of Winning Through Intimidation by Robert Ringer. You're bound to get more than a few great ideas from it. He discusses his experience selling apartment buildings.

I don't think your lead generation strategy is enough to move the needle. This is a relationship business. You have to personally reach out and connect. Even $50 isn't enough to get them to connect.

- Rick Duris

Hey guys, thank you very much for all the great advice and I wanted to apologize for being unclear about some things.

I am sending this campaign to expired listings of apartment buildings and I am a commercial real estate broker. This mailing campaign is going to the owners of apartment buildings in my area, who have listed their buildings with other agents and these agents subsequently failed to sell them and their agreement expired. I'm including the free report with my letter and not generating leads because these are already proven motivated prospects.

Steve: 100% accurate portrayal of 99.9999% of agents, I think I read about one who was honest but he quit the business

I was thinking that my free report and FedEx dollar bill letter were a pretty good Shock and Awe package but I see why your version would be infinitely more effective.

And seeing as my average commission on selling an apartment building would be somewhere around $15,000, the economics of my business can support a high cost per acquisition. I will definitely be considering sending that package.

My "free report" has as a cover that looks just like a "For Dummies" guide and is a short book that soft sells and gives a lot of valuable information when it comes to selling an apartment building, so I have that covered when it comes to professional design and printing.

My follow-up steps were going to be some 3D mail and then using a Tracfone like in the Savage Siphon. I want to mail this and attempt to get a call in from them because it is difficult to get a phone number for the owners, most of whom are hidden behind the veil of LLCs and attorneys who receive all correspondence on a landlord's behalf.

Rick: I think that if this was a cold prospect then I would need to reach out and connect with them directly.

However, seeing as these are high-probability prospects who have demonstrated true motivation to sell their buildings and did list previously with another agent, I'm thinking I should be able to make this an inbound campaign.

If you recommend I go follow-up myself, is this campaign useful just because it's helpful in making a cold call now a warm call?

To everyone: I do have a list of local investors but not necessarily a "particular" buyer who wants to buy exactly each property I will be mailing about. I am not "sniping" them off, but rather attempting to create an evergreen campaign because expired listings are an easy "bread and butter" source of business that most commercial real estate agents fail to capitalize on.

I would love to simply mail a $100 bill and say "I have a cash buyer for 123 main street, call me back" and at a low enough price I am a buyer of everything, as are most of my investor clients.

But I'm not sure I can just mail and say I have a buyer for your property and when they call me back I say "I have a buyer if you list your 10 unit building for $2500".

What are you wearing, Jake from state Farm?

I second Rick about Winning Through Intimidation.

I would mail the free report separate. Say in your letter that it's on its way. Then get it out a day or two later.

Then follow up with 3D mail (glad to see you're going to send 3D mail... I love love love 3D mail!!!). Which self mailer are you are you planning on sending?? I'd send the bank bag since you're already sending money. You could also to the mini trash can.

Also, do you have phone numbers to follow up with a phone call if your prospects don't respond?

I'm wearing khakis

I'm going to be using a bank bag and a trash can, funny you say that

My 4th step will probably be a Tracfone that comes with 20 preloaded minutes.

I have a letter from the Savage Siphon to use with it, it's just a quick piece about all the things I've sent and says I realized you didn't call because you must have lost your phone so I sent you one. Apparently this piece absolutely CRUSHES as it's just so ballsy and is bound to make a good impression.

I don't have phone numbers for everyone as most landlords are hidden behind LLCs and I feel it's unprofessional to be calling people at home and attempting to pitch them, so I'm not sure how to best go about this.

Is there any reason why you would separate the report from the letter?

Rick: Is this really something where a marketing campaign is a futile effort and truly it's something where cold calling , pressing the flesh and "relationships" that take years to develop are the only ways to success?

HaHa!

I think the bank bags and mini trash cans are the most popular. I love taking them to the post office and seeing people's reactions. Ha

I send the free report separate so it gives another "touch."

Love the phone idea! That's definitely outrageous marketing! How much is it going to cost to go through all steps?

Go to Google Maps.

Get a STREET View picture of the house.

Print it off.

Print THIS off.


Make a model of their house.

Add a little red SOLD tag that says "I just sold your house! Call me to arrange the details"

Box it up.

Send it.

James

Just to be clear, this guy wants to specialize in apartment buildings. Commercial real estate. It's a whole different animal than residential.