Sales Page Not Converting Revisited - Thanks!

Hello Matt,

You requested additional feedback. I studied your sales page and
can offer some things for you to consider. In case you're wondering,
I am a copywriter and online marketer.

Overall, the page is not hard on the eyes regarding color and general
layout. I'll make some suggestions about the text layout in a moment.
You have good use of graphics to break-up the text.

I'll address the following:

Headline
Logical flow and sequencing
Credibility
Sales elements
Guarantee

There will probably be some overlap.

First, there are two considerations for you in your copy. I'm sure you
have thought about them. You're selling to people who teach math. So
that is your primary audience, however they (and therefore you) will
probably think of their audience which is the students. So they will also
be thinking of how well your product will help them succeed with their
audience.

So you need to cover both bases in your copy. But remember your primary
audience is people who teach math.

With that said, your headline seems to be out of sync, and I'll explain why.
It is not targeted to your primary audience. I understand your point in the
headline, but it comes across as more of an implied benefit to the primary
audience rather than directly addressing their concerns.

The people you're selling to want to know what they will personally gain from
buying your product. So in that sense the headline misses the mark and therefore
becomes weaker and diluted. Also...

The headline is weak because you're making an opinion-based assertion. The
students "will want to do again and again." Really? Why should I believe that?
How do I know that's true, or that "my" students will want to do them again
and again. That approach contributes to the weakness of the headline.

Logical flow:

The copy needs to be a bit longer so you can allow for a more effective "process."

The optimal structure for a sales letter follows a certain sequence or logical flow.
Remember that consumers (people) are selfish and basically want to know what they'll
get out of the product/service. They're interested in your insofar as they believe in
your expertise, credibility, and can develop a sense of trust in you and your product.

So, it's good that you introduce yourself in the beginning - generally speaking. But you
have to quickly move into the meat of the matter. In the traditional sales letter, the
intro paragraph is usually a strong hook that will serve to further capture attention and
draw the reader along to the next part.

I would suggest you keep your name there right up front, but I would also immediately
add some small (and very short) comment that will plant a seed of credibility.

Give a few quick facts about yourself such as number of years teaching and even
where you currently teach. I realize some people are uncomfortable with revealing
that kind of information. But if it was me, I wouldn't have a problem stating that
I teach in whatever school where ever that is located.

Then, I would keep the rest of the first paragraph. I also agree with your assertion
and would even state that has probably been true for a very long time. Students
cannot understand the value of learning math, so that detracts from motivation
to learn it.

Plus, I'm sure those who teach math understand all the issues very well. So no
need to dwell too much on that.

The second paragraph is a tough one to deal with because it's full of comments
that basically ask the reader to believe what you're saying. I do understand
very well that issues with providing proof-positive are difficult if not impossible
unless you provided something like video testimonials, etc. Still, some people
would doubt the veracity of that kind of social proof; although I would use
legitimate video testimonials any day.

Here's a quote from your copy:

"I have now been using these lessons with my students over the past 3 years
and have had amazing results with them and I know you will too."

Generally speaking, you can use words like "amazing," but if you cannot back
that up with some kind of solid evidence then it can have a negative effect.
People will tend to ignore your assertion that you've had amazing results and
that you know they will, too.

I suggest you provide "any" specific information you can such as exactly when
you started using the material in your own classes. For example, "I started
using these same strategies in the fall semester of 2007." Things like specifics
that involve numbers, statistics, etc tend to make people pause and read
them. Plus they contribute to the credibility of your statements.

Also, can you give any kind of data that your material helped your students
to achieve higher grades in math? I realize there are privacy issues. But you
can give general, and truthful, data that the average grades have increased
by such and such an amount since you started using your material.

Here's the thing that your copy lacks, and including this copy element into
your page will help you.

Consider that when people read your copy, they will be thinking in terms of
"choices." That is natural, but it's also something you want to encourage
because you can use it to your advantage.

You can use it by talking about why your material is unique over all the
other similar math teaching aids that are available.

You need to "distinguish" your product over everything else that's out there.

The reason you need to do that is because people will be "looking" for it
anyway! They'll automatically be comparing. So help them to do it. And by
doing that you can actively tell them why your product is unique, distinctive,
better - without being negative and bashing, etc.

For example... I know math text books give real life examples that illustrate
the principle being taught in whatever section. Right?

So - ok, why should I bother to spend $10 on your product?

Can you explain why? You need to do that. It's not a question of money
because your product is not expensive. So if it's not a question of money,
then why would someone not buy, and why should they buy?

Those are the questions you need to actively address in your copy.

But do it in a straightforward manner without hype or negativity. If you
cover those concerns, and actively "engage" your reader (more on that
in a moment), then you will naturally allow your reader to go through
this "process" of seeing him/her self arriving at a decision - or "making a
choice" to get your product.

Make them feel like they're naturally making a choice, and that choice is
your product.

Third paragraph:

Can you tell anything more about yourself? Are you certified to teach? Have
you won any awards? Have you taught other subjects? This doesn't need
to be long, but you just need to help people feel like you know what you're
doing and can be trusted.

You know people make buying decisions based on emotions, and then they
need to justify their decision with logic.

Remember your primary target audience...

You need to explain to them the benefits of using your product. What
emotions or feelings will your product satisfy in them? You're a teacher,
so you should be able to make a list of possibilities.

I suggest injecting a testimonial higher up in the copy, perhaps before
the section about you.

Also, your testimonials are weak because they just provide a first name
and that the person is a teacher. If possible, I strongly recommend you
contact them and ask for a picture. Ask if you can use first and last name,
city/state/country.

Guarantee:

You don't need to impose strong terms on your guarantee. I would assert
that your current guarantee is hurting you by asking for proof that your
product didn't work or fulfill the promise. I strongly suggest you remove
that immediately.

Your course materials/benefits to your primary audience:

You need to take every opportunity to let your primary audience know
how they'll benefit from your product. So to that end...

You have three examples from a lesson. I would take each one and
do the following:

Highlight the appropriate elements and "explain" what the prospect,
or potential buyer, will get out of it. How will the buyer benefit from
each part you highlight. You can highlight it and then put small red
text with a short benefit bullet. Do you understand? The benefit is
expressed in terms of "emotional fulfillment."

Have the clickable lesson examples open in a new window. When
they close it, they'll be right back on the sales letter. I know you
have a "close" X at the lower right. But what if someone does not
scroll all the way down and see it? Or, you can put another 'close
X' button on the top right, as well.

The layout...

Remember that not everyone has a high resolution monitor setting. I
tend to feel your sentences are too long. If it was my letter, I would
bring the text margins in by about an inch, total.

Those are some of my thoughts. I hope they will help, and I wish you
good luck. I think you have a good product.

Ken

I have skimmed through... haven't really read it... but as I understood is instructions for teachers to teach better math

and one of your bullet points is

• Use polygons to make a new font

well that makes no sense to me. even if I would be a teacher, what use would making a new font be? You need to specify, maybe in paranthesis, what the end result is, like "with this tactic your students will start learning polygons in a few minutes" or whatever

KenThompson - thanks a million! Ironing out the copy was my next endeavor, this will really really help! Thanks!!

Your page colors look great!

Some more margins and space between the text would make it easier to read.

(Matt: just a note that Ken Thompson gave you one great thorough review/critique, btw.)
very impressive.)

Anyway, I would test using the SUBHEAD as the headline.
_____
Bruce

Matt,

I read your updated letter. Yes, I can see the changes you made
and they are on the right track.

Please understand that I cannot teach you copywriting in this thread.
But... I will state a few principles that you can apply.

1. Paragraphs need to be roughly 4-5 relatively short sentences. You
have some pretty long ones.

2. No wasted words or extraneous words. Short and concise. There are
extenuating circumstances that have everything to do with your audience.
Your main audience will be teachers, so there's no need to make your
sentences too short or over-simplistic. But avoid being long-winded in any
one sentence.

Break-up the paragraphs after the intro paragraph. They're too long. Find
a good point to break them up.

Your third paragraph, next to the video, contains your personal info and it
should not be there. Look at the subhead for that paragraph. I must
apologize because in my original post I should have stated the third paragraph
needs to be a new one. That paragraph will contain your personal information.

The point is to have a new paragraph with personal info before you start
talking about the product and what it contains. You need to establish and/or
reinforce your credibility.

You can test anything. It may be a good idea to make that letter targeted
to teachers. Then you can have links at the top calling attention to the
other two categories - homeschoolers and parents looking for help.

But you need to be careful about having duplicate content on your site. You
may cause that situation if you have two sales letters containing mostly
duplicate content.

Of course you can always address all three in one letter and that may be
the preferred route.

Your headline needs to capture attention, make people stop and read, and
then compel them to read your letter. It needs to do that first and foremost.

There are different approaches to writing headlines. I cannot cover them all
here.

Basically... capture attention. The headline also serves to identify who you
are targeting (primary audience), so it serves to filter. One very common
approach is to give the main benefit your product provides to your market
or audience.

The highest paid copywriter in the world advises to hit them on the head
with the main benefit. So you can do that as well. You need to figure out
what the main benefit is.

You can put something just above the headline calling attention to your
audience; teachers, homeschoolers, parents who want to get help for their
kids, etc. The format is usually in smaller font and maybe italicized.

You can also include a subheading directly under the main heading stating
an additional benefit.

You can also include some detailed information or data in the headline
because that will help to draw and fixate attention.

So, I suggest you revise your letter with everything suggested and give
it a run in ppc. I think you mentioned that you're using ppc, adwords.

Try to find something to provide tracking so you can see how long people
stay on your site, which pages they visit, and how many click on the buy
button, etc.

Lastly, I would replace your buy button/link with an 'Add To Cart" link. Do
a search on Belcher button either at Google or here in the forum. It will
convert better than what you currently have.

Do those things and see how it converts. And good luck!

Ken

I didn't do much more than glance at the letter. Here are
some suggestions:

> Break up your paragraphs into shorter ones.

> Don't use a "hotdog" font for your headline - and make it red,
blue or black - and use IMPACT or some familiar font like Times,
Verdana, etc.

> your pitch needs work - but there's good news because one
of the greatest copywriters in history wrote a book about improving
your kid's school performance - the ad headline is:
"how to turn your child into a classroom wizard"

PDF of the classic ad included.