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Looking for a critique...

by trom771
2 replies
Hey all-

I am about to start a new service on my website...advertising to new homeowners in the area. I'd love to get some feedback on the offer:

The link to it is in my signature...

Thanks!
#critique
  • Profile picture of the author Eric Engel
    Your offer is good, but your choice of words just doesn't cut it.

    You start with 'Direct Email', then you're talking about quality post-cards.

    And then you talk about a "New Mover Direct Mail Program"

    I would keep it more simple. I know a lot of newbs will tell you to "sell them on the benefits" before telling them what you do, but it's a mistake in this case.

    Very simple-- We'll Put Your Business in Contact With New Residents!

    The benefits and fluff can come later.
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    • Profile picture of the author trom771
      I still need to change the 'Direct Email' graphic at the top...

      Thanks for the advice. I agree the wording might need some work.

      Originally Posted by Eric Engel View Post

      Your offer is good, but your choice of words just doesn't cut it.

      You start with 'Direct Email', then you're talking about quality post-cards.

      And then you talk about a "New Mover Direct Mail Program"

      I would keep it more simple. I know a lot of newbs will tell you to "sell them on the benefits" before telling them what you do, but it's a mistake in this case.

      Very simple-- We'll Put Your Business in Contact With New Residents!

      The benefits and fluff can come later.
      Signature

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