Bad Tasteless Jokes You Still Laugh At

Lol! I totally agree with you. I don't want to be called by that name too.. C",) thanks for sharing.

Sal, I love it!

I gotta tell that one to my daughter and wife when they get home.

What goes ha ha ha

Thump?














































A man laughing his head off.

Kim, I remember being in grammar school back in the mid 60s and hearing
the kids tell these jokes.

I have no idea where they got them from.

It has been reported that because Michael Jackson had so much plastic in his
body from all the surgeries, that instead of burying him. They are going to melt him down and make lego blocks out of him. That way little boys can play with him, for a change.



Alright I know it's sick

Three archaeology students are walking through the jungle when they accidentally tread on a ferocious tribe's ancient burial ground.

Suddenly they are surrounded by a group of fierce warriors and brought before the chieftain. The chieftain explains that they have commited a great crime against his ancestors and must pay for their mistake.

He offers them one of two choices...either Death...or Magambo.

The first student he singles out begs "Please don't kill me...I'll choose Magambo.

So a group of warriors hurries him off into the jungle where the other two hear his screams of horror and anquish for over an hour.

Upon returning the first student looks at the other two and cries "I should have chosen death! Twenty-six of those warriors tied me over a log and had their way with me. God, I wish I had chosen death!"

Now the chieftain turns to the second student and asks "Well, Death or Magambo?"

The second lad hears his buddy crying "Pick death, pick death, you don't want Magambo!" But fearing death he chooses Magambo and off he goes with another group of warriors dragging him into the jungle.

Again the screams of agony and horror penetrate the jungle silence as the large group of warriors extract their revenge on the second student. Upon his being brought back to the others he also laments that he didn't choose death.

Now the chieftain turns to the last student and asks "Death or Magambo?"

The first two lads who are writhing in unbearable pain and suffering are screaming "Pick death, pick death, you don't want to go through this!"

So the third student confused by all he has seen says "I'll pick death, give me death, I can't go through with what you did to my friends!"

At which point the chieftain holds his spear high in the air and yells "DEATH!.....by Magambo!"


KJ

I don't know why this one is cracking me up? I've read it 3 times and now I'm crying. I must be really tired.

Changing Light Bulb Jokes


Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. It's in the contract.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.

Q: How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. That's all that will fit.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else changes the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

Q: How many military information officers doed it take to change a light bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seventeen. "Do YOU have a problem with that!"

Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil
pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He sits down to eat. Having no
hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine
and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

Q: What's the difference between an Oral and a Rectal thermometor?

A: The taste.


KJ

I got pulled over for speeding by a state trooper.
When he came to my window and asked for my license and registration
I said to him, you better call for backup because this is a stolen car,
there's a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk. He immediately
pulled his pistol on me and called for backup. Within 10 minutes there were 15
state troopers there. I was sitting in the back of a police car, when the police captain walked over to me. "What's going on here?" he asked
"The trooped said this was a stolen car, The car is registered to you."
"He said there was a gun in the glove box. There was no gun."
"He report that there was a body in the trunk. There was no body"
"You want to tell me what's going on." I looked up at the captain and
said I bet that lying ******* said I was speeding too, and shook my head.
They let me go.

Two Aussie builders, Phil and Eric, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a
well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start
to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He's not a bloody stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees
that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers
get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?

Phil: - Me? Never!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate...

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.



KJ

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birthmother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds: "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


KJ

A guy is working as a bell ringer in a local church. One day he decides he's had enough so he quites the job.

His twin brother who is unemployed decides he'll take the job. But on his first day he gets caught up in the bell rope and hangs himself.

The janitor, who is making his rounds is the first one to find the body. He goes and asks the head priest "Have you seen the new guy up in the tower yet?

"No" said the priest, "But I heard he's a dead ringer for the last guy."


KJ

Hey, man, don't stop the yucks......

LITTLE JOHNNY


L-JOHNNY: "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
FATHER : "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
L-JOHNNY: "Your name on this report card."

*************************************

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father did'nt punish him?"
L-JOHNNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

****************************************

TEACHER : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
L-JOHNNY :"A teacher".

Man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?"

Duck says, "Beats me -- it started out as a pimple on my ass."

Headline News ....

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
Cops have nothing to go on.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"


KJ

Two ants are discussing politics and the first one says, "Once those idiotic humans manage to annihilate each other we ants can take over and rule the world."

The second ant looks at his buddy and says, "The Red Ants, or the Black Ants?"


KJ

HAHAHA

That is a good one!!

Italians might find this suitably tasteless....

What happens when an Italian car gets a flat?

Dago wop wop wop wop