Not So PC Blonde Jokes

Odahh

4 years ago

Well you know why jokes about red heads aren't so popular. Most people are not that good at ducking .

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Kay King

4 years ago

What do you find that is black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?

A brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

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Princess Balestra 4 years ago

Originally Posted by Kay King

What do you find that is black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?

A brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

Gotta stick up for broon doons here.

Anythin' ain't prommernahnce is pure cleavage.

Anways, here is muh blahnd joke.

2 blahnds walk into a bar.

Bar guy turns the lights down.

"With you gals around, who needs illumination ...?"

Chaos ensooz till'n the broono steps in.

"Why walk into a bar? Dontcha know what height it oughhta ain't?"

Chaos ensooz till'n how many them frickin' schmucks decide the odds.

Blahndes vs 'loomination is evah a quandury for broons.

Natchrlly, nowan laid alla our songs out in toons.

Hey, plus there is also sum stoopid HORSE once ran the place.

"Listen, guys -- I'm your touchpoint in a world of jokesy sensibility!"

So ... eithah you sit down with the blahnds, or you gonna only run into horses.

Evrythin' else jus' glam-powahed medieval smut.

"With you gals around, who needs illumination ...?"

Likely stuffs went that way.

Till'n evrythin' got dark.

"Two of us, one of you," say the blahnds. "May we glow till we blow?"

"Tellya, shoes you gaht, prolly you fall ovah easiah'n Moi. No prahblem you wanna make a FEACHER outta nuthin'."

It is at this point the guys step in an' decide what bitches we are.

Blahndes to braids.

"Blonde? Brunette? Where's the tickbox?"

Tellya, how great it would be for 23 blahndes, 29 broonettes, 24 redheads, an' 150 miscellaneously yummoscalped whatevah -- incloodin' the gal shave her own ear off whooshyin' out an ultimate spiky hairdo -- to walk onto a bar sumtime an' say to the guys,

"Plz get laahst so we can jus' dance."
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DWolfe

4 years ago

Saw this in one in an Auto Shop awhile back.

"The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and said
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten.
"No" she said "it's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?," we asked.
"I don't know, but it's always been there." she said
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Here's a link to the picture - https://carhumor.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/710.jpg

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Ken Leatherman

4 years ago

Originally Posted by DWolfe

Saw this in one in an Auto Shop awhile back.

"The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and said
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten.
"No" she said "it's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?," we asked.
"I don't know, but it's always been there." she said
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Here's a link to the picture - https://carhumor.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/710.jpg

Freaking Hilarious! I love it.

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Odahh

4 years ago

One funny story about my mom. She used to go into kitchen supply stores asking for knives that where sharpened for left handed people.

She honestly believed that the reason the knives she used went dull was because she was left handed. Then one day I went and bought a sharpening rod

My memorable funny is I take people literally when they ask me for something so when I was told to go buy a couple dollars worth of gasoline I went and bought 2$ worth of gas and came back with a mostly empty gas can

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Kay King

4 years ago

The blonde knocked on the door of a very upscale home and asked if the owner had any work she could do to earn some money. He said 'well, I was going to paint the porch - can you do that for $50'? - she said that would be great. A couple hours later she knocked again and said "I'm all done - in fact I had so much paint I gave it two coats."
"By the way", she said - "that's a ferrari, not a porch...."

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Kay King

4 years ago

She honestly believed that the reason the knives she used went dull was because she was left handed. Then one day I went and bought a sharpening rod

My memorable funny is I take people literally when they ask me for something so when I was told to go buy a couple dollars worth of gasoline I went and bought 2$ worth of gas and came back with a mostly empty gas can

So - you and your mom are both blonde?

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Odahh

4 years ago

A blonde was visiting her friends homestead. After showing her the system he was using to raise chickens fo meat and eggs.

The blonde turned to the guys wife and asked. "That s really cool. Where do you raise the boneless chickens"

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Odahh

4 years ago

A man was married to a very beautiful blonde. She was an unfaithful wife who slept with well connected men. Over the years he had used what he learned from what these men told her. To build a very nice stock portfolio.

Eventually he started to get invested and his wife heard about it . Burst into the room he was in and with people around yelled. "Hunny if you're really guilty of inside her trading . I want a divorce "

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cpaweeds

4 years ago

I love it

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Kay King

4 years ago

I think I just found a 'blondes only' recipe online.

It is one of those ultra simple recipes you see on Twitter - chicken pieces covered with cream of chicken soup and baked in the oven.

The comment section was full of new cooks saying what a great meal this was - and bragging of adding a 'pinch' of one seasoning or another.

Then there was this one:

I didn't like the recipe AT ALL. I put my own personal spin on this and instead of condensed soup I cooked the chicken in a smooth vanilla pudding. It was not very good.

I guarandamntee you - that person did not pass chemistry at any level AND that he/she is blonde.

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Princess Balestra

4 years ago

Two blondes walk into a bar.

What are the odds they say ain't it weird how we zackly the same hair color? before they hit on whoevah is behind the bar?

imho, likely Zero.

Least broonettes acknowledge one anothah outta respect before we claw one anothah's tits off.

An' that, my friends, is frickin' class.

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Ken Leatherman

4 years ago

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

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Ian Jackson

4 years ago

Years ago at work, I sent the blonde (male) apprentice to the stores for a bag of sparks for the grinder.

Thing is, he fell for the same thing the following week, and went for a long weight

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lanfear63

4 years ago

Originally Posted by Ian Jackson

Years ago at work, I sent the blonde (male) apprentice to the stores for a bag of sparks for the grinder.

Thing is, he fell for the same thing the following week, and went for a long weight

Did you remember to ask him to get some sky hooks and greased nuts.

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Princess Balestra

4 years ago

10, 000 Blondes show up for SRS Actschwaahn.

Sadly, there no BROONETTE hollahs *Evrywan here?*

So they kinda disperse at randahm.

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Ken Leatherman

4 years ago

A blonde was driving home one night and got caught in a severe hailstorm. Her car was badly dented, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello!
"You need to roll up the windows first."

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Ken Leatherman

4 years ago

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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Odahh

4 years ago

Man was about to go deer hunting with his friends and his blonde wife demanded to be taken along. After putting her in what they believes to be a safe place. The man told his wife to fire the gun in the air if she saw a deer. A few minutes after they walk away they here a gunshot.

Quickly running back they hear another man responding to the woman." Ok lady I'll move away from the deer but can I at least grab my saddle.

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Princess Balestra

4 years ago

75,963 blondes walk into a bar.

First screams, "HEEEEY!!! YAAAAAH!!!! WE ARE SUCH CATALYSTS FOR EXCITEMENT!!!!"

Then nuthin' else happens for like 27k frickin' light years.

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Ken Leatherman

4 years ago

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

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dennicka

4 years ago

oops, it was a discovery for me that there are computer blondes)))))))))

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios-

Oh, look, doughnut seeds!

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

Two blondes discovah a genie in a bottle.

As per the trope, the genie grants three wishes.

You figure the Mobius Strip is the ultimate conundrum, jus' you wait till these two assholes get gowin' on the frickin' math.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A Blonde and a Redhead Have a Ranch

Their bull has just died.

The women need to buy a new one but only have $500.

The Redhead tells the Blonde I will go to the market and
see if I can find a bull for under $500. And I find one I will
send you a telegram.

She goes to the market and finds a bull for $499.

Having only $1 left she goes to the telegram office and finds
out that it cost $1 per word for the telegram.

She is stumped how to tell the Blonde she needs her to bring the
truck and trailer.

Finally she tells the telegraph operator to send one word to the
Blonde.

Comfortable.

Skeptical the operator ask how will she know to bring
the truck and trailer with the word comfortable?

The Redhead said the blonde reads slow.

"Come for ta bull"

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE.........
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

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lanfear63

3 years ago

A man had three blonde girlfriends and could not decide which one to marry, so, he gave them each $5000.00 to see what they would do with it.

The first one spent it on an extreme makeover and told him she wanted to look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.

The second spent it all on gifts for him, buying a set of golf clubs, stereo gear and a large smart tv. She said I used the money to treat you because I love you so much.

The third one invested it into the stock market and doubled the money and gave him the $5000.00 back and told him she will invest the profit back for their future together because she loved him so much.

The man spent a long time considering the results of his experiment and married the one with the biggest Hooters.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Originally Posted by lanfear63

A man had three blonde girlfriends and could not decide which one to marry, so, he gave them each $5000.00 to see what they would do with it.

The first one spent it on an extreme makeover and told him she wanted to look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.

The second spent it all on gifts for him, buying a set of golf clubs, stereo gear and a large smart tv. She said I used the money to treat you because I love you so much.

The third one invested it into the stock market and doubled the money and gave him the $5000.00 back and told him she will invest the profit back for their future together because she loved him so much.

The man spent a long time considering the results of his experiment and married the one with the biggest Hooters.

GROANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Claude Whitacre

3 years ago

Originally Posted by lanfear63

A man had three blonde girlfriends and could not decide which one to marry, so, he gave them each $5000.00 to see what they would do with it.

The first one spent it on an extreme makeover and told him she wanted to look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.

The second spent it all on gifts for him, buying a set of golf clubs, stereo gear and a large smart tv. She said I used the money to treat you because I love you so much.

The third one invested it into the stock market and doubled the money and gave him the $5000.00 back and told him she will invest the profit back for their future together because she loved him so much.

The man spent a long time considering the results of his experiment and married the one with the biggest Hooters.

This is not a joke. It really happened.

When Cheryl and I first got married, we were walking around a mall. Cheryl sat in the middle of a bench, while I went to use the restroom.

When I came out, there were two other young women sitting on each side of Cheryl..

I walked up in front of them, and said "Um....I'll take this one". And pointed to Cheryl.

She didn't say a word, she just got up and walked away with me. The two other ladies were laughing.

And...

When Cheryl and I got on a plane, we knew that they put us in separate rows. I said to the man sitting next to her "Excuse me, would you mind trading seats with me? This girl's cute, and I really think I've got a shot with her"..

He was very nice about changing seats, and it got a laugh.

Cheryl never...never laughs at my nonsense in public. It make it all so much funnier.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

One day, 3 Female astronauts, a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead,
had a few in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments.

The brunette said, "We should be proud that were the first female astronauts to land on the moon."

The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astonauts to walk on Mars."

The blonda added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun."

"Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die!"

The blonde replied, " That's why we'll go at night, after the sun goes down."

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lanfear63

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

One day, 3 Female astronauts, a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead,
had a few in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments.

The brunette said, "We should be proud that were the first female astronauts to land on the moon."

The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astonauts to walk on Mars."

The blonda added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun."

"Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die!"

The blonde replied, " That's why we'll go at night, after the sun goes down."

Your visiting the antique joke repository again I see. :-)

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A blonde phones the police to report that thieves had been in her car.

She cries out, "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator!"

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rings a second time and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," she said.

"I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A Blonde and a Brunette worked in a factory. Tired of working continuously the Brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!"
"How?" asks the Blonde.
"Watch this," says the Brunette.
She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down.
Just then the Boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm a lightbulb," she answers.
Hearing this, the Boss is shocked and says, "I think you need some time off," so she jumps down and walks out. The Blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going!??" says the boss.
The Blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

17 blondes walk into a bar.

Prime numbah? Or simply a cool gatherin'?

Anyways, moments aftah they counted on up, the Cosmos imploded outta impatience.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory

Wait for it...

Because she kept throwing out the W's

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tagiscom 3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory

Wait for it...

Because she kept throwing out the W's

Thanks Ken, l have had my share of stupid blond jokes today!
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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day.

"My pilot has has had a heart attack and is dead
and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud
and clear. I will talk you through this and back
on the ground. Everthing will be fine! What is your
height and position?"

The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

(After a long pause)

"O.K." says the voice on the radio..

"Now, repeat after me."

"Our Father Who art in Heaven.. .."

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

On A Bittely cold winter morning, A husband and his blonde wife, were listenint to the radio during breakfast..

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 of snow today.."

"You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inces of snow today."

"You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again have breakfast, when the radio announcedr said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.."

"You must park.."

Suddenly the electric power went out.

The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.."

"Which side of the stree do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied..
"Hon why don't you just the the car in garage this time."

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

One day there was an Irishman,
A Mexican and a Blonde Guy,
who were construction workers
on top of a building.

It was lunch time and the
Irishman opened his lunch pail,
finding cabbage and beef.

"If I get one more beef and cabbage
for lunch I'm gonna jump off of
this building," He says.

Then the mexican opens his lunch
pail and finds a taco.

"If I get one more taco for lunch
I'm gonna jump off this building,"
He says.

The blonde man opens his lunch pail
and finds a peanut butter sandwinch.
"If I get one more peanut butter sandwinch
for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building,"
He says.

The next day the Irishman opened his
lunch pail and found cabbace and beef,
so he jumped off the to his death.

Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail,
and upon finding a taco he jumped off
as well.

Finally the blonde guy opened his lunch pail
and found a peanut butter sandwich. He too
jumped off the building.

The next day at their funeral the Irishman's
wife said, "If only I that he didn't like
cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed
him something else."

The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he
didn't like tacos, I would have packed some-
thing else."

Finally the blonde man's wife spoke up.

"I don't know what his problem was."

"He packed his own lunch."

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tagiscom

3 years ago

Guy travels to Europe for a vacation... it's his first time, he sees the sights, has a real good time... after a while he decides to call home... gets his brother on the phone and says 'so how are things back home?'

... and the brother says 'your cat died!'... the guy says 'you shouldn't break bad news like that, you should...

.. break it to me gently... like, you should say, 'the cat crawled out on the roof... chasing a squirrel... and got stuck...

: we had to call the fire department... the fireman climbed up and got the cat, but on the way down he slipped... the cat fell to the ground...

. we had to take the cat to the vet... they tried to save the cat, they even operated... on the cat... but it was too late... they couldn't save the cat'... that's how you should break bad news like that'... so the guys says to his brother, 'anyway, how's mom?'... and the brother says

'SHE'S ON THE ROOF!'...

This is from a popular movie and his Mother may have been blonde?

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

Two blondes walk inta a bar.

First says: Hey, your hair my kinda my color!

Second says: Wow! Yeah! Hey!

This happens so often throughout the night you cain't count how many times on the fingahs of both hands -- speshly if'n you blonde.

So the blondes walk outta the bar.

An' next day, one goes in the store an' the othah goes in a diffrent store.

Anywan who undahstands the powah of exponential forces now sees zackly what gonna happen next.

But the blondes don't.

The blonde in the store remarks to sum noo blonde: Hey, your hair my kinda my color!

Then the noo blonde says: Wow! Yeah! Hey!

Same happens in the dfiffrent store.

So now we gaht 4 frickin' airheads manifestin' the same kinda dimbotronics.

Next it is 8.

Then 16.

Then 32.

Then 64.

Blondes in bars, blondes togethah, blondes wherevah.

An' always, all they do is say: Hey, your hair my kinda my color!

An' reply: Wow! Yeah! Hey!

Tellya, it is like gazin' into an Abyss of barely existent sentience married to the replicatorial powah of the most noxious venereal diseases.

Natchrlly, you would wish for there to be a punchline, but there ain't one.

In the best blonde jokes, you are always subsumed into a world of hair an' vapor.

You become one of the 2 ... or the 4 ... or the 8 ... or the 16+ ... till'n you scream an' you scream an' you scream.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow five thousand dollars. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral against a five thousand dollar loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns to repay the five thousand dollars and fifteen dollars interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found out that you're a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow five thousand dollars?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only fifteen dollars and expect it to be there when I return?"

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

Two more blondes walk into a bar.

There: that is my joke for tonite.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Princess Balestra

Two more blondes walk into a bar.

There: that is my joke for tonite.

You won tonight's Shortest Joke:

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Claude Whitacre

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

You won tonight's Shortest Joke:

This isn't a joke, but I thought it was funny.
My wife Cheryl comes from a very religious, proper, and kind family.

After we had been on several dates, she invited me to join her family for Christmas dinner at her parent's home.
There were maybe a dozen middle aged adults at the table. All were very kind, well behaved, educated, and genuinely great people.

And then there was me.

I was pretty quiet at first, trying to figure out who was there and how they thought. I soon found out that Cheryl's older brother thought I was hilarious....so...I tested the waters.

Cheryl (and I'm sure a few others) had just had their hair done, looking their best for such a get together. Cheryl always colored her hair blonde, and of course it looked great.

A few complimented her hair. I.....couldn't help myself...it just came out.

I said "Doesn't Cheryl's hair look beautiful?"...of course they all nodded in agreement.

Than then I said "You know, it wasn't until our second date that I found out that's not her natural hair color".

Silence. for several very long seconds.

And then, at the end of the table, her older brother started laughing...a deep resonate laugh that grew in tempo and volume over several seconds. I had found my friend.

It's the one story my wife won't let me tell in public.

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tagiscom

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

It's the one story my wife won't let me tell in public.

What l thought that this was one of many from your up and coming Autobiography,....

Whitacre, Life in The Supermarket Fast Lane!

Forward, - by the Guy up the Street Who got my cat out of his tree

Special Thanks To,-

My beloved wife Cheryl
Crispy Creme
Big Fatty's Pizza Deliveries
Stop Waffling Restaurants
A Chicken Wing and a Prayer Restaurants
Beaver Hardware
and Soft Cone and Hard LIcker franchises

Here is an exerpt:

I woke up this morning hearing the birds chirping the sun shining in through the stained glass windows hearing the distant melody of Mr Whippy in the distance and thought "can this day get any better"?

Then l realized that this was the last day of my Vacuum cleaning store being open, or a lifetime of helping the masses keeping their floors clean, teaching them how to suck it up, empty everything before a session and the swimming pool is the first place to look if your attachment goes missing.

But l knew that l had to get up one last time to forfill my mythic destiny regardless of both my cats sitting on top of me with claws at the ready.

And after my hunts breakfast three pushups and Milk of Magnesia set out for my epic last day of service for the dirty masses.

Cheryl kissed me on the cheek, gave me my lunch paling pushed me out the door, slammed the door and put on Helen Reddy with the volume maxed out, but nothing new there.

I got to the store removed the usual yellow tape and infringement notices, and set about making my last day memorable,....and legal.

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discrat

3 years ago

What do blondes use as earrings to attract men ??

Their ankles.

( I know that is bad. But the thread said not so PC

)

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Odahh 3 years ago

Originally Posted by discrat

What do blondes use as earrings to attract men ??

Their ankles.

( I know that is bad. But the thread said not so PC )

What is only 3.4 inches long but still makes any blonde happy every time.

A credit card with a high limit

My older brother is a blonde and one of my favorite blonde moments from him was about 11 years ago when I was making dinner for my parents and everyone in the house.

My brother asked what I was making. My answer " I'm making pasta.

His response " but I don't want pasta I want ziti "
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Frank Donovan 3 years ago

Interviewer: "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Blonde Applicant: "The living one."
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Ken Leatherman 3 years ago

Diego Hernando,

Who's there?
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- Diego Hernando 3 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman
  
  Diego Hernando,
  
  Who's there?
  
  Just me, saying hi to old friends
  
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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Fifteen minutes into a flight from Los Angeles to New York, the captain announces...

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed."

"However, there is nothing to worry about... "

"Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announces...

"One more engine has failed, and the flight will take an additional two hours... "

"But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announces...

"One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours... "

"But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

At this point, a young blonde passenger turns to the man in the next seat and remarks...

"If we lose one more engine... "

"We're going to be up here all day!"

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Claude Whitacre

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

"But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announces...

"One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours... "

"But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

At this point, a young blonde passenger turns to the man in the next seat and remarks...

"If we lose one more engine... "

"We're going to be up here all day!"

This really happened.

I was flying to Baltimore about 25 years ago. At 40,000 feet, the lights all went out, the cabin dropped enough for us to think we were going to crash, and the Oxygen masks dropped.

I was sitting in the seats furthest to the rear of the plane. A guy was sitting across from me, and I could tell he was scared....like everyone else.

I couldn't help myself. I smiled and said "Look on the bright side, if we crash, we'll die last".

Of course, we didn't crash...the pilot told us that both air compressors had failed, and the plane dropped to an altitude we could breath in.

When we got to the hotel, It was all over the TV.

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Kay King

3 years ago

It's odd the things you remember - and the ones you forget. I was on a plane that crash landed in West Virginia many years ago. The old lady in the seat in front of me had insisted on keeping a potted plant on her lap during the flight. Her son had given it to her and she was going to protect that plant. The pot was good size - about a 10". (Wouldn't get by with the plant these days but this was before the world went totally nuts.)

We were given instructions on what to do and the plane was descending rapidly...the cabin attendant told us to put our heads down and brace ourselves...the plant lady had a pillow and she wrapped it around the plant and held on.

I don't remember what was wrong with the plane or whether other passengers panicked or not....I remember a very bumpy landing and watching that lady holding on to her plant for dear life. The plant survived...as did we all.

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Claude Whitacre

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Kay King

It's odd the things you remember - and the ones you forget. I was on a plane that crash landed in West Virginia many years ago. The old lady in the seat in front of me had insisted on keeping a potted plant on her lap during the flight. Her son had given it to her and she was going to protect that plant. The pot was good size - about a 10". (Wouldn't get by with the plant these days but this was before the world went totally nuts.)

We were given instructions on what to do and the plane was descending rapidly...the cabin attendant told us to put our heads down and brace ourselves...the plant lady had a pillow and she wrapped it around the plant and held on.

I don't remember what was wrong with the plane or whether other passengers panicked or not....I remember a very bumpy landing and watching that lady holding on to her plant for dear life. The plant survived...as did we all.

It's weird. I've told that story so many times that I remember the story more than the actual incident.

I remember the cabin pressure dropping, the guy looking at me with real fear...and I remember what I said to him.

I don't remember the actual year it happened, or exactly where I was. I do remember the TV in the hotel lobby was telling the story, and several people there were on that flight.

On my first flight on a jet, there was turbulence...and the plane was shaking sideways.

The guy next to me saw that I was turning white, and said "You know, the plane is only moving a few inches. We're fine". For some reason, it struck me as funny that I was panicking over nothing.

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lanfear63

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

It's weird. I've told that story so many times that I remember the story more than the actual incident.

I remember the cabin pressure dropping, the guy looking at me with real fear...and I remember what I said to him.

I don't remember the actual year it happened, or exactly where I was. I do remember the TV in the hotel lobby was telling the story, and several people there were on that flight.

On my first flight on a jet, there was turbulence...and the plane was shaking sideways.

The guy next to me saw that I was turning white, and said "You know, the plane is only moving a few inches. We're fine". For some reason, it struck me as funny that I was panicking over nothing.

"I remember the cabin pressure dropping, the guy looking at me with real fear...and I remember what I said to him."

You said: " I have nothing to fear, vampires like me dont need oxygen"

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Ken Leatherman 3 years ago

Two blonde girls are working for the city public works department...

One digs a hole, then the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They work up one side of the street, then down the other...

Then move onto the next street, working furiously all day without a rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker is amazed at their hard work, but can't understand what they are doing...

So, he asks the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it... "

"Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wipes her brow and sighs, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd, because we're normally a three-person team... "

"But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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Ken Leatherman 3 years ago

A plane had four people in it: a lawyer, a teenage boy, a priest and a young blonde girl.

The pilot told them that the plane was going to crash, but there were only three parachutes.

The four passengers began discussing their predicament.

The blonde said, "I look beautiful so I should get one," so she jumped off with one.

The lawyer said "I help people solve their problems so I should get one," so he jumped off with one too.

Now there were only two people left: the priest and the teenage boy.

The priest said to the boy, "Here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life than me."

However, the young boy said, "No, it's all right because there are still two parachutes left... "

"The blonde just took my backpack!"
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lanfear63 3 years ago

Hearing the sounds of barrel bottom scraping.

Why do women find Dan Riffle so attractive?

He sprays on Pherognomes
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tagiscom

3 years ago

"Blondes are up with the latest tech, advances although they cannot figure out what the letter "A" has to do with Sailors"?

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Originally Posted by tagiscom

"Blondes are up with the latest tech, advances although they cannot figure out what the letter "A" has to do with Sailors"?

What does the A have to do with Sailors?

I'm very Gray/Grey

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tagiscom

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

What does the A have to do with Sailors?

I'm very Gray/Grey

Ok, it was referring to "AI" so "A" then "I" as in "I, I, sir", l knew that l shouldn't have tried to write my own jokes, but truth be told l only come here to laugh!

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

Originally Posted by tagiscom

Ok, it was referring to "AI" so "A" then "I" as in "I, I, sir", l knew that l shouldn't have tried to write my own jokes, but truth be told l only come here to laugh!

If you say so. Must be getting blonder by the minute as I, sir still don't get it.

Pun intended.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A blonde rents a stadium for $1,000,000 and fills it with 80,000 other blondes...

She calls one up, to prove on live TV, that blondes are smart.

She starts with a simple math question...

"What's 25 + 3?" She asks the young volunteer.

The blonde thinks, and timidly whispers into the microphone, "9?"

Soon, a chorus of 80,000 blondes yell out...

"Give her another chance, Give her another chance!"

The lead blonde agrees and calms the crowd down.

She decides to go easy this time, and asks the blonde volunteer, "Ok dear, what's 2 + 2?"

The blonde thinks for about thirty seconds, and hesitatingly whispers, "4?"

In unison, 80,000 blondes scream out...

"Give her another chance, Give her another chance!"

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

Two blahndes don't walk inta a bar.

They don't interact prsnlly in any way.

tbh they gaht nuthin' in common but thuhblahndeness.

& yet sumplace in their DNA they wanna kill oneanotha.

My view?

Typicality requires least'n two modifiers before nowan can commit to eithah genocide, oblivion, or a plain ole gal-on-gal bitchfest.

So I would wishta know always whethah them blahnde gals packin' squidos or samples, or 'easily sloosed' v 'maxo joosed', or prolly even jus' capable of WALKIN'.

TOTAL TEST SCENARIO IMMINENT!!!

So, yeah ...

You fell offa cliff!

An' yet sumhow you still clung on!

Fingertips!

So you hollah an' you hollah an' you hollah!

For HELP!!!

Till'n you dry in the throat an' all hope is DEAD.

*** Check yr lifechoiceometah now. ***

You wanna blahnde gal showin' up, so clooless all she can do is SELFIE YOUR PLIGHT TO HER TRIBE?

AS you PLUNGE onta THE STORM-LASHED ROCKS?

Broonettes kinda mosey the planit up sweet without shoutin' about it.

An' if that ain't a shoutout for broonettes, dunno what is.

Uh oh -- now anothah blahnde don't supposed to wandah inta the one bar the two othah blahndes ain't wandahs inta a diffrent bar neithah anya the blahndes actshwlly are.

It is at this point you gotta leave 'em to get on with their lives, despite yr consoomate capability to save the fkrs from ummselves ... beforeya even figyoore what they perceive as their valyoo to hoomanity.

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RMRC

3 years ago

What did the blonde do when her laptop froze?

Stuck it in the microwave.

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Odahh

3 years ago

Two blondes walked into a bar . The third blonde was a little behind and pulled out her cell phone and started taking selfie's with her friends knocked out on the ground.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road, when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit...

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit lying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde, and says, "omg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?"

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend that's frantically crying about the rabbit...

She sprays the rabbit up and down with the spray can.

The rabbit miraculously gets up, runs 10 feet off the road and into a field...

The rabbit turns to look back at the blonde and waves at her.

The rabbit continues to run another 10 feet and again, turns back to wave at the blonde.

This continues for another 5 minutes, before the blonde's friend turns and asks the blonde, "What is in that can?... "

"I can't believe what I'm seeing!"

The blonde replies, "I don't know, but it says... "

"Hair restorer with permanent wave!"

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Odahh

3 years ago

I was having a conversation with a blonde. Most of my jokes are about myself but she was giggling.

Eventually said"you should not be so mean to yourself."

I said " but self deprecation is a big part of my humor.

Stunned she stepped back then leaned back towards me and sniffed the air. " oh my gawd are you really crapping your pants while we are talking "

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

One day a man, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon...

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit...

looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs...

"Don't tell me you've got a set of clubs in there too!"

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Diego Hernando

3 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

One day a man, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon...

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit...

looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs...

"Don't tell me you've got a set of clubs in there too!"

Knock Knock

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Odahh 3 years ago

Originally Posted by Diego Hernando

Knock Knock

Unfortunately the blonde isn't knocking ona door it's a clear glass window she just walked into and thinks it's a door she is trying to push open
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RMRC

3 years ago

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She couldn't find the eleven.

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Odahh 3 years ago

Originally Posted by RMRC

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She couldn't find the eleven.

No I heard it myself the other day the blonde lady kept ask her cellphone. "Hey google what is the number for 911"

But I guess google has blonde moments to because it kept giving her the address and phone number for 7-11
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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

tbh I been on so many planes I almost died of Yadda Yadda or You Look So Kyewt You Mebbe The Ansa To My Fyootyoore Ancestry Story or * I jus' died, an' puked blood onya skoit ... natchrly I decent, an' I would now apologise profusely were I naht dead, which'n I ain't" * ...

I cannot imagine the dismay regardin' MERE EXISTENCE them haplessly bleeched fkrs encountah from day to day.

Must be 10x my *sob* diligently broono suffrin' -- but with mebbe more shunts uppa the blastpipe from outta the Sootbly Turgid Wherevah.

So, anyways ... 357 blondes walk into a bar.

An' they spot MOI.

An they think NAH.

An' I say THANK ****.

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Ken Leatherman

3 years ago

There was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Robinson, who showed no fear when facing his enemies...

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Robinson bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored garment...

the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck, recounting the triumph of earlier.

One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood... "

"Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching!

The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain, and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted...

"Bring me my brown pants!"

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Princess Balestra

3 years ago

Two blahndes walk into a bar.

One is natchrl ... othah is dyin' her hayer!

tbh this is the ultimate bitch scenario before the guys even show.

"FFS, I figured we agreed on all things shallow an' impractical! Why, we had so many heart to hearts we could have moved on to lungs, maybe bladders."

"Sorry to shit you, Janey. But I just needed a hotline to the hottest guys out there -- and dying my hair was easier (not to mention less of an arrestable offence) than spreading my muff upon pronouncement of a pick up line."

"Yeah, then that makes you a FRAUD, sister."

"You're ... you're my sister?"

"Did I say that?"

"For sures. Yeah. So how we never even knew?"

"Because I got blue eyes and you got brown? Because you easily five nine and I am like a human turtle?"

"It's the hair ain't it?"

"Blonde. Yeah ... blonde sisters. Blonde sisters who never even knew."

This is when the SLEAZY GUY shows.

"You gals wanna be in a movie ... ?"

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