Critique of Sales Page

Kyle Tully

17 years ago

What's the link?

Thanks

Signature

Consulting Tycoon

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1018127].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 17 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1018559].message }}
- teamtanna 17 years ago
  
  I hope I'm doing this correctly -- I've attached a pdf version of the sales page here.
  
  Please keep in mind, this is for a different demographic -- my ideal participants likely have no interest in internet marketing, per se. Also, they're more likely to be women than men.
  
  Thank you in advance :-)
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1018984].message }}

carlocab123

17 years ago

I think the headline could be improved.

You can use the top headlines that worked since the dawn of copywriting. It'll still work on your market since, as you said, they're not in to internet marketing.

Headlines like...

Discover How...
Who Else Wants....
They Laughed When...

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1021577].message }}

teamtanna 17 years ago

Thank you!

Any other comments -- anything work particularly well, particularly badly?

Tanna
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1021903].message }}

Daniel Scott

17 years ago

Tanna,

There are a LOT of problems with your page... so much so that any pointers would kind of be pointless.

My advice is to either get some books on copywriting, study hard... or just pay a copywriter to do it for you, depending on if you want to spend a couple of years or thousands of dollars.

-Dan

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1022723].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Hi Dan,

Thanks for the feedback. Can you tell me ONE thing that should be changed? I have to pick someplace to start.

Tanna

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1022772].message }}

Rezbi

17 years ago

Originally Posted by teamtanna

Hi Dan,

Thanks for the feedback. Can you tell me ONE thing that should be changed? I have to pick someplace to start.

Tanna

Start with the headline.

If your reader doesn't go past that the rest is useless.

Is what you've written really what and how you would say it?

You lost me immediately.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026478].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Thanks, Rezbi. I'm torn, because this is what's on my business cards and many women have told me, "That's what caught my attention" and "As soon as I saw that, I knew I had to call you/work with you/find out more," etc. So I'll have to play around with that in my head. Thanks for the feedback.

Originally Posted by Rezbi

Start with the headline.

If your reader doesn't go past that the rest is useless.

Is what you've written really what and how you would say it?

You lost me immediately.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026633].message }}

Daniel Scott

17 years ago

Tanna,

The obvious answer would be "everything"... but the biggest of many problems I think is the fact that you simply don't have any subtlety.

A salesletter is like hitting on a girl... if you ask "will you sleep with me" straigh off the bat you get nowhere. You've gotta chat her up... make her feel comfortable... make her like you... THEN ask for "the sale".

A rough analogy perhaps, but it serves it's purpose.

Ease the reader into your sales letter... you don't want to talk about the product until they're already heavily invested in it.

-Dan

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1022794].message }}

Chris Hunt

17 years ago

** Please note, I've only just started writing copy and this is only my opinion **

"Are You Ready for the Love of Your Life?"

You shouldn't use yes or no questions because if it doesn't hit the mark and they think 'no' and they won't read on.

What's your clients biggest fear? Not finding love for the rest of their life?

How about something like:

Imagine going though the rest of YOUR LIFE and NEVER finding LOVE.

YOU deserve LOVE and I can show YOU how to create LOVE in under ONE HOUR.

(This is giving them instant gratification)

(You should put some quotes from past clients in)

"I can't believe how much better my life has become since taking the workshop. I now wake up every day happier then I could have even imagined."

(for example - but real obviously. And a photo would be good, audio would be better and video better again)

Learn from life coach, author and relationship expert Tanna Boran through his tele-workshop how to stir up love in yourself, and those around you. The tele-workshop is JAM-PACKED with advice, tips and concepts that allow you to manifest love instantly and maintain the love forever.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1024850].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Hi Chris,

Referring to what I wrote to Rezbi as well, I'm not sure what to make of the feedback on the headline, as probably 30-40% of people who contact me tell me it's because of that line on my business cards, etc. Most women who come to me are definitely good and ready and tell me so.

This is the first time I'm giving this workshop, so I don't yet have testimonials on it specifically.

Your suggestions are great, though, many thanks!

Tanna

Originally Posted by Chris Hunt

You shouldn't use yes or no questions because if it doesn't hit the mark and they think 'no' and they won't read on.

What's your clients biggest fear? Not finding love for the rest of their life?

How about something like:

Imagine going though the rest of YOUR LIFE and NEVER finding LOVE.

YOU deserve LOVE and I can show YOU how to create LOVE in under ONE HOUR.

(This is giving them instant gratification)

(You should put some quotes from past clients in)

"I can't believe how much better my life has become since taking the workshop. I now wake up every day happier then I could have even imagined."

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026664].message }}

Rezbi

17 years ago

Originally Posted by teamtanna

Hi Chris,

Referring to what I wrote to Rezbi as well, I'm not sure what to make of the feedback on the headline, as probably 30-40% of people who contact me tell me it's because of that line on my business cards, etc. Most women who come to me are definitely good and ready and tell me so.

This is the first time I'm giving this workshop, so I don't yet have testimonials on it specifically.

Your suggestions are great, though, many thanks!

Tanna

Well, if your tests tell you your headline works, who am I to argue with that.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026871].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Dan,

I've been thinking about this, and since the majority of the people who work with me are women, I have to figure out the deal with that. Women definitely buy differently from men than they do from women. And they definitely buy self-help differently and for different reasons than they "buy" sex from a particular guy, LOL. Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero had a recent class on this, I'm going to see what of her stuff I can get my hands on.

Thanks,
Tanna

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Tanna,

The obvious answer would be "everything"... but the biggest of many problems I think is the fact that you simply don't have any subtlety.

A salesletter is like hitting on a girl... if you ask "will you sleep with me" straigh off the bat you get nowhere. You've gotta chat her up... make her feel comfortable... make her like you... THEN ask for "the sale".

A rough analogy perhaps, but it serves it's purpose.

Ease the reader into your sales letter... you don't want to talk about the product until they're already heavily invested in it.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026690].message }}

Daniel Scott

17 years ago

Sure, they buy differently... but not to that extent.

You're scaring away the fish with your heavy-handed pitch. It's that simple.

Your post comes across as though you're pretty much ignoring what I'm saying. That's your prerogative... but remember that one of us is a copywriter who consistently writes sales letters that convert quite well.

Whether you sell to a guy or a girl, the point is the same... you have to get them thinking about themselves first... because that's all anyone cares about.

Your company, you, any of that stuff is all a moot point... unless you FIRST show the problem, then present your product as the solution.

That's selling 101.

If I've misinterpreted your post, I apologize... but it can be frustrating when people ask for insight from experienced copywriters... we give it... then they disregard it.

-Dan

Originally Posted by teamtanna

Dan,

I've been thinking about this, and since the majority of the people who work with me are women, I have to figure out the deal with that. Women definitely buy differently from men than they do from women. And they definitely buy self-help differently and for different reasons than they "buy" sex from a particular guy, LOL. Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero had a recent class on this, I'm going to see what of her stuff I can get my hands on.

Thanks,
Tanna

Thanks

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1029237].message }}

elliec

17 years ago

Is it me or is there something fishy in this thread?

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Resources For Restaurant Owners

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026285].message }}

Rezbi 17 years ago

Originally Posted by elliec

Is it me or is there something fishy in this thread?

Are you referring to the ping?

That does look strange to me.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026489].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Hi Ellie,

What do you mean?

Tanna

Originally Posted by elliec

Is it me or is there something fishy in this thread?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1026625].message }}

elliec

17 years ago

Originally Posted by teamtanna

Hi Ellie,

What do you mean?

Tanna

Call me cynical if you will. A seemingly helpless post from you. Out of the blue a lengthy, very descriptive reply in the form of a re-written sales page from someone who has never posted on the forum before (Chris Hunt, above). A disguised sales promo popped into my mind. Apologies if I am wrong.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Resources For Restaurant Owners

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1027486].message }}

teamtanna

17 years ago

Ummm...wow. Not sure how to respond.

Well, actually, in the same amount of time it took to post your suspicion, you could have searched my name or clicked on my websites. That would quickly tell you that (1) I'm for real, and (2) I'm still pretty clueless at marketing -- which is why I'm here.

Please, some benefit of the doubt. I just got here.

Originally Posted by elliec

Call me cynical if you will. A seemingly helpless post from you. Out of the blue a lengthy, very descriptive reply in the form of a re-written sales page from someone who has never posted on the forum before (Chris Hunt, above). A disguised sales promo popped into my mind. Apologies if I am wrong.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1027764].message }}

elliec

17 years ago

Originally Posted by teamtanna

Ummm...wow. Not sure how to respond.

Well, actually, in the same amount of time it took to post your suspicion, you could have searched my name or clicked on my websites. That would quickly tell you that (1) I'm for real, and (2) I'm still pretty clueless at marketing -- which is why I'm here.

Please, some benefit of the doubt. I just got here.

I never doubted that you were for real and that you were looking for copy writing help. The reply post noted previously was the fishy thing...

Some people do think they are very clever and try to disguise a sales pitch in all sorts of ways. I am sure you are not one of them.

Thanks

Signature

Resources For Restaurant Owners

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1029348].message }}

elliec 17 years ago

Originally Posted by Onslaught

Cynical...........

Si senor...one of my more charming traits..
- Thanks
Signature
Resources For Restaurant Owners
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1029336].message }}

fancyrae

17 years ago

Hi Tanna,

How are you getting your sales letter out there?

The reason I ask is because your approach will be different if you're blasting it to your list vs. establishing a salesletter site and driving traffic to it.

If your audience is already familiar with you, then your opening headline isn't too bad.

However, if the people reading it don't know you, then the other folks are correct: It needs some work.

You're using "solution-speak" rather than "problem-speak." You'll want to focus on the problem, bring up the pain, make it worse, then introduce your workshop as the solution.

Also, for a $197 teleseminar, I wouldn't mention this is the first time you've taught it. I might say first time in this format, or a compilation of other workshops, something like that.

Feel free to reach out to me for further help.

Nancy

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Convincing Copy and Marketing Magic

"Get your F.R.E.E. sales letter critique -- receive 3 points for instantly improving your letter's effectiveness. Send a PM to get started today!"

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1030061].message }}

Tom Vo 17 years ago

This is a mess of a salesletter.

There is no hook, no story, no flow - Nothing really connects.
I've read the complete sales page, and yet, I can't say what you're selling. You've failed a fundamental question right at the beginning:
What are you selling?
Can you say in one sentence what your offer is all about?

I'm not even asking for a USP, just one sentence that explains in clarity what you are offering your audience.
The bullets on page 2 are unspecific and weak. They lack the punch you'd expect a bullet to have. Writing bullets may be the most important skill a copywriter can possess - You can write a sales letter with nothing more than a list of bullets (take a look at Carlton's Sex Letter).

You were asking for a place to start - I just gave you an answer: Start with your bullets!
Sit down at your desk and write a list of bullets, a long list with enough bullets to out-gun Rambo in the jungle of Burma. Convert all the features of your seminar into hard-hitting benefits (=bullets) - you want your bullets to hurt. Your bullets hurt because your prospect doesn't have what you offer. Don't bore your prospects with dull bullets.

*Creating love in everything you do - SO WHAT? What's the benefit? What's in it for me? Why should I care? Picture yourself selling your seminar in the National Enquirer.

*How to create love with everything you do - The little known Secret to happy relationships, better sex... and a higher paycheck. (Gary Halbert first wrote about this in 1994 - it took the University of Bangkok $14,235,885 and 15 years of scientific research to finally prove the existence of this astonishing secret... guaranteed to change your life...literally... within minutes - scientifically proven!)

You don't know how to write bullets? I'm pretty sure that you have a list with facts and features about your seminar. You have that list? Good. Now, go through every single item on this list and think about the benefits for your prospects.
Wait, you don't know who your prospect is? And you don't know what your prospect is thinking about? Put your bullets to the side and do some brainstorming about your average prospect. Or grab the phone and call your prospects for interviews. In your mind you should have the image of a person you're talking to. After all, copywriting is nothing but salesmanship in print.

Now, get back to your list of features and facts. Think about the benefits for your prospects. Write down one or more bullets for each item on your list (a single feature often has several different benefits).
When you're finished, number your bullets. The strongest bullet is the first item on your new list. Ah, and while you're going through your list, kick all the weak bullets out. You don't want any weak bullets in your letter. You know, a chain is just as strong as the weakest link. What you want is a list of nothing but strong bullets.

Now you have in front of you a list following the hierachy of the bullets. Voila, half of your salesletter is already written. And the bullets should have given you enough ideas for better headlines than "Manifest Love Today". (That's my personal opinion. I think that you're excluding a huge percentage of potential customers with the word manifest. Some people don't care or know about the LOA, but they'd still be interested in what you have to offer. So: Test your headline! Always test!)

Some quick ideas for headlines:
*Do You Sincerely Want Love In Your Life?
*How To Find Love
(I like the fact that you kept your headline short. Super-long headlines belong to John Carlton, most amateurs just mess these up. I prefer short headlines with one major benefit and enough curiosity for the prospect to read the first line of the deck copy... which leads to the opening line...and keeps him reading straight through the whole letter with sharp bullets hitting him relentlessly with benefits after benefits... bullets that tease and seduce... promises of a wonderful life - heaven on earth... a place he's never been to, but suddenly feels the desire to go to... sudden pain - for he may never get there... he`s kept in a delirium between ecstasy and despair, unable to let go of the letter you grab him by the balls for a rollercoaster ride through your letter to your offer...leaving him breathless with no time to rest, all he can see is a single button: the order button on his computer screen - If you have chosen the best bullets you have, do you really think that he can resist your offer?)
*How I started a new life with love
*"Creating and receiving love inspired me
to transform my life like nothing before ever has!"
*Manifest Love Today...And Kids Tomorrow
*How I Found Love For Less than 200 bucks
*Love and Grow Rich

I just can't find anything to make better headlines. If you work hard on your bullets, you should have enough raw material to write the best headline of your early copywriting career.

To write your sales letter, follow John Carlton's instruction for a simple letter.

1.Tell your prospect who you are
2.Tell you prospect what you have to offer (your bullets!)
3.Tell your prospect what to do (order your product)

If you lack the skills to do this - or the time to write a decent sales letter - hire a copywriter to do the work. It shouldn't be too difficult to find a copywriter on the Warrior Forum.

Yours,

Tom Vo
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1040170].message }}

Critique of Sales Page

Trending Topics

;) Why Mystify Intelligence? It's Not Magic. It's Mechanics. :D

Agency level tools?

Do backlinks from old pages lose value if the page is never updated?

2026 NBA Playoffs....

Your pet peeves ...