In Your Face Crapping Headline

78 replies
Hi Warriors, I would really appreciate your advice!

Someone asked me to write a sales copy for his forex related product - he wants a pushy, in your face crapping headline... something that would shock.

Now, when push comes to shove I'm not really in my element, but here is what I came up with and would love to hear your honest opinion (don't be gentle...):

FOREX has never been that easy to crack...Until Now!
"If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The Beast Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time ... Right Into Your Wallet"

Is this headline usable? Your suggestions hugely appreciated!

Rich
#crapping #face #headline
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

    Hi Warriors, I would really appreciate your advice!

    Someone asked me to write a sales copy for his forex related product – he wants a pushy, in your face crapping headline... something that would shock.

    Now, when push comes to shove I'm not really in my element, but here is what I came up with and would love to hear your honest opinion (don't be gentle...):

    FOREX has never been that easy to crack...Until Now!
    "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The Beast Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time ... Right Into Your Wallet"

    Is this headline usable? Your suggestions hugely appreciated!

    Rich
    Hi Rich,

    You lost me.

    And by the way, if the Client wants this positioning, let HIM give you the headline.

    Imagine if you were a doctor and a patient who had cancer came to you and said "Doctor, please don't do surgery. I want you to rub my cancer away."

    This post just tells me you haven't done the research and you are letting the Client guide you because you are "out of your element."

    Bottomline: I urge you to do the homework. Find out what the market wants.

    No offense, I don't know you, but I believe you to be doing the Client as well as yourself a dis-service.

    - Rick Duris
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2197926].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
    Hi Rick,
    Thanks for the reply...you are absolutely correct. Only recently just started stretching my wings and the headline is only a favor for a friend and thought I would throw something together and ask for opinions on the forum.

    I really appreciate your input, and helpful advice.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198040].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author markpocock
      Your headline needs to enter the conversation
      your reader is having in his mind.

      cheers

      Mark
      Signature

      Get a FREE 20 minute consultation on your sales letter. Contact me today
      And have the secrets A-List Copywriters - David Garfinkel & Parris Lampropoulos
      use in their multimillion dollar promotions
      www.markpocock.com

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198261].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post


      ... and thought I would throw something together and ask for opinions on the forum.
      Rich2010,

      Where is the traffic coming from? How will it get to this Forex site?

      Will you be buying traffic? (Perhaps buyers of Viagra?)

      Because it is what the traffic "expects" to find...but that being said...

      I join the "dismayed" because you just "threw something together".

      Honestly don't know of any copywriter who gets paid who just throws something together. Why not WORK as hard on this as if you were being paid...so the forum could see what you could do?

      I'm sorry, I just don't understand this approach. You've gotten some good advice and a good butt whacking too...build off of that...but, for your own progress...DON'T ever just throw something up, unless you have a reason to do so.

      gjabiz
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2208735].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

        Rich2010,

        Where is the traffic coming from? How will it get to this Forex site?

        Will you be buying traffic? (Perhaps buyers of Viagra?)

        Because it is what the traffic "expects" to find...but that being said...

        I join the "dismayed" because you just "threw something together".

        Honestly don't know of any copywriter who gets paid who just throws something together. Why not WORK as hard on this as if you were being paid...so the forum could see what you could do?

        I'm sorry, I just don't understand this approach. You've gotten some good advice and a good butt whacking too...build off of that...but, for your own progress...DON'T ever just throw something up, unless you have a reason to do so.

        gjabiz
        Amen.

        Most of the good copywriters I know go through at least 50 headlines before they find "the one".

        Sometimes you get lucky and do it in less...

        ...but it's almost always at LEAST 20.

        Kind regards,

        -Dan
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2208753].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    If it's one of those newfangled Forex-Porn products I think you have a winner.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198276].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      If it's one of those newfangled Forex-Porn products I think you have a winner.
      You captured my sentiments exactly! It does indeed sound very porn oriented!

      Terra
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198331].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author perryny
        Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post

        You captured my sentiments exactly! It does indeed sound very porn oriented!

        Terra
        I think that's the In your face, shock he was going for.

        Hey, from what I hear, sex sells... so you may just have a winner.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198380].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
          Originally Posted by perryny View Post

          I think that's the In your face, shock he was going for.

          Hey, from what I hear, sex sells... so you may just have a winner.
          Well, my thinking was this: it's mostly males that get involved with forex and investments... and by using this sort of erotic metaphor I was trying to push on these buttons... and yes,that was my thinking - sex sells...
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198554].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
            Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

            Well, my thinking was this: it's mostly males that get involved with forex and investments... and by using this sort of erotic metaphor I was trying to push on these buttons... and yes,that was my thinking - sex sells...
            Only when it's used in the right context.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198561].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Oh...my...God. Are you serious?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198436].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

    Hi Warriors, I would really appreciate your advice!

    Someone asked me to write a sales copy for his forex related product - he wants a pushy, in your face crapping headline... something that would shock.

    Now, when push comes to shove I'm not really in my element, but here is what I came up with and would love to hear your honest opinion (don't be gentle...):

    FOREX has never been that easy to crack...Until Now!
    "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The Beast Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time ... Right Into Your Wallet"

    Is this headline usable? Your suggestions hugely appreciated!

    Rich
    Would you buy if you saw that headline?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198439].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      Would you buy if you saw that headline?
      Not me, honestly, I'd pass as I wouldn't be quite sure exactly what I'd be buying and the implications aren't something that I'd ever pay for.

      Terra
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198487].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      Would you buy if you saw that headline?
      Okay, I didn't mean that line to be an insult. Rather, a way of figuring out for himself whether or not it's a good headline.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198529].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Pandan
      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      Would you buy if you saw that headline?
      Well, of course I wouldn't buy....
      (... because I'm a woman, lol)

      BUT dunno, this is quite controversial... certain type of male audience may respond coz it may create a pleasant erotic vision in their minds... metaphors are powerful and are often used in hypnotic language. The small intro line does say it's about Forex...

      The headline is shocking, that's for sure.

      Jana
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198614].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
        Originally Posted by Pandan View Post

        Well, of course I wouldn't buy....
        (... because I'm a woman, lol)

        BUT dunno, this is quite controversial... certain type of male audience may respond coz it may create a pleasant erotic vision in their minds... metaphors are powerful and are often used in hypnotic language. The small intro line does say it's about Forex...

        The headline is shocking, that's for sure.

        Jana
        I don't know... I know of a few women who might get it for their men. Know what I mean?
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198625].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Pandan
          Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

          I don't know... I know of a few women who might get it for their men. Know what I mean?
          You mean if I stuck this on my forehead I might get something more out of this? :-D
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198662].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Kay King
            Well, my thinking was this: it's mostly males that get involved with forex and investments... and by using this sort of erotic metaphor I was trying to push on these buttons... and yes,that was my thinking - sex sells...
            What is that "thinking" based on? Do you have numbers to back it up?

            I wouldn't call that "erotic" - I'd call it suggestive and in poor taste. Scrap it and start over.

            Know the product and target the product with the headline.
            Signature
            Every child needs a pet because every family needs an optimist

            Saving one dog will not save the world....but will forever change the world for one dog.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198701].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author maximus242
              If your going to go for shock value, it has to be relevant. What your doing is the equivalent of the FREE BEER! headlines that say, now that I have your attention, bla bla bla. They dont work.
              Signature

              xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198801].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Iconik
    Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

    Hi Warriors, I would really appreciate your advice!

    Someone asked me to write a sales copy for his forex related product - he wants a pushy, in your face crapping headline... something that would shock.

    Now, when push comes to shove I'm not really in my element, but here is what I came up with and would love to hear your honest opinion (don't be gentle...):

    FOREX has never been that easy to crack...Until Now!
    "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The Beast Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time ... Right Into Your Wallet"

    Is this headline usable? Your suggestions hugely appreciated!

    Rich
    Hi Rich,

    No offense but your headline sounds
    like your offering sex advice as
    opposed to investment advice.

    I agree with Rick in that you need
    a better understanding of what the
    prospect wants.

    Another suggestion would be to
    read through his course and write
    down anything that can be turned
    into a benefit. This will help you
    write the headline as well as give
    you a list of bullets for your copy.

    Mike
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198571].message }}
  • I wouldn't want a headline to crap on my face.

    Even if it is one of those "kinky" headlines...

    I agree, you've lost me on this one completely. What exactly are you sticking where? And I don't even want to know how you got it wrong the first time...

    Go for clarity. Not to push my own content, but this blog post may help a bit... 3 Ways Twitter Can Help You Write Better Headlines | BCWebMedia

    Good luck!
    Signature
    Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198644].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Iconik
    Sex does sell, but not in every market.

    Car ads use models because there is
    an indirect implication that women
    date guys with nice cars.

    However, I have yet to see a mini-van
    commercial where a scantly clad coed
    is straddling the hood while hosing
    herself down.

    This is because mini-van buyers want
    an economical vehicle that gets the
    kids around and has all the creature
    comforts they've come to expect.
    They don't see their mini-van as a
    sex symbol.

    The forex market doesn't associate
    investment advice with getting laid.

    sorry.

    What they want is sound usable advice
    that can be implemented quickly for fast,
    huge profits.

    There's your market.

    Go fetch.

    Mike
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198656].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author perryny
      Originally Posted by Iconik View Post

      However, I have yet to see a mini-van
      commercial where a scantly clad coed
      is straddling the hood while hosing
      herself down.
      I want this mini-van.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198859].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
        Originally Posted by perryny View Post

        I want this mini-van.
        If it's an ad for a Honda Element (the ultimate surfer-mobile), they could hose down the inside too while they're at it.

        To stay kind of on topic, what if the beauty in the ad was a foreign exchange student?
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198877].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Iconik
        Originally Posted by perryny View Post

        I want this mini-van.
        Hi Perry,

        I'd be glad to sell one to you buddy.

        But, you'll have to figure out on your
        own "Where to stick it and get it
        right the first time..." that "Will keep
        the beast wet and dripping...":confused:

        ...

        ...man, there's just no way to use that
        appropriately...

        Mike
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198965].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

    Is this headline usable?
    Nothing is ever a complete failure...

    ...it can always serve as a bad example.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198671].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BCJason
    It has that in your face quality. I wouldn't bite though. It's too porno.
    I feel like I need to wipe my monitor off after viewing.
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198696].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    Rich, I join the chorus of the dismayed.

    The first line says that FOREX has not been easy to crack, until now.
    Therefore I expect the next line will explain that FOREX has now been cracked.
    The expectation is crack as in safecracking, or crack as in cracking an egg to cook breakfast, or crack as in a hidden code.

    Suddenly you change to sticking something somewhere so it stays wet and dripping.
    I don't understand how something wet and dripping can be used to crack a safe, an egg, or a code. And frankly, I really don't want to know. If there was an X rated movie about it, I'd stay as far away as possible!

    Now, what is kept wet and dripping (in order to crack something) is a beast.

    And the beast is supposed to go into my pocket, along with what's wet and dripping.
    It's not clear if remnants of what cracked will also go into my pocket. Will I have eggshells, code logbooks and shards of the combination lock in my pocket? Won't that make the beast uncomfortable? If something is wet and dripping, can't I keep it out of my wallet, please, where it won't soak my money?

    Now in addition to cracking something and dripping into my pocket, there's a risk the beast gets stuck in the wrong place.
    I really, really don't want to try to figure that one out.

    Even if sex sells, mixed metaphors only confuse people and turn them away.

    You have three problems here.
    First, you have writing that makes people say WTF. It's not clear just what you want people to imagine. When they try to imagine something, they get grossed out.
    Second, your weird vague imagery has nothing to do with forex.
    And third, its only connection with sex comes from rather unpleasant imagination.

    Now I need to get some bleach to disinfect my web browser after your bizarro headline.

    Frankly, I'd rather learn about how Darth Vader was gay. At least he had cool spaceships and magic and stuff.

    Chris
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198836].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      The headline just doesn't make instant sense on first reading.

      And if it doesn't make instant sense to people with an itchy trigger finger... count on them to quickly click away.

      --- Ross
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198895].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author perryny
        Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

        Suddenly you change to sticking something somewhere so it stays wet and dripping.
        I don't understand how something wet and dripping can be used to crack a safe, an egg, or a code. And frankly, I really don't want to know. If there was an X rated movie about it, I'd stay as far away as possible!

        Now, what is kept wet and dripping (in order to crack something) is a beast.

        And the beast is supposed to go into my pocket, along with what's wet and dripping.
        It's not clear if remnants of what cracked will also go into my pocket. Will I have eggshells, code logbooks and shards of the combination lock in my pocket? Won't that make the beast uncomfortable? If something is wet and dripping, can't I keep it out of my wallet, please, where it won't soak my money?

        Chris
        Originally Posted by Iconik View Post

        However, I have yet to see a mini-van
        commercial where a scantly clad coed
        is straddling the hood while hosing
        herself down.

        Mike
        What a great example (to me as a yet-to-be copy cub anyway) of the power of painting a visual picture.

        Chris has me seeing a wet, sloppy, confusing mess in my pocket (which go figure, matches the headline... sorry Rich, no offense.)

        And Mike, in one short sentence has painted for me a very vivid picture of a very appealing mini-van.

        I'm happily married and a driver-of-kids, but truth be dammed if this mini-van commercial wouldn't get my attention. I'll check the gas mileage when I'm at the showroom.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198952].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
          Originally Posted by perryny View Post

          Chris has me seeing a wet, sloppy, confusing mess in my pocket (which go figure, matches the headline... sorry Rich, no offense.)
          I'm so sorry about that.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199095].message }}
  • Mike - I think appropriate went out the window when the headline started with instructions on where to stick something... LOL
    Signature
    Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2198984].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Iconik
      Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse View Post

      Mike - I think appropriate went out the window when the headline started with instructions on where to stick something... LOL

      Agreed.

      I don't think this one will be winning
      a Caples Award anytime soon.

      However, I nominate it for the
      Warrior Forum Perv Award.

      To bad they don't make Listerine®
      for your thoughts.

      Mike
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199075].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author AustinLadyTam
    OK, now I know what the sex counterpart to "gratuitous violence" looks like...that was very gratuitous sex.
    Signature
    Find out how you can produce powerful, fist-pumping profits with a rock-em, sock-em sales system created by a former robotics engineer who rips apart winning sales copy to see what makes it tick so she make yours even better…PM me for details
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199311].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
      Originally Posted by AustinLadyTam View Post

      OK, now I know what the sex counterpart to "gratuitous violence" looks like...that was very gratuitous sex.
      Thanks, really it was just a metaphor...
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201150].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
        Wow, I am totally overwhelmed by all your responses. I have to admit I have learned a few things about getting a headline right and really appreciate your opinions.

        I guess when I wrote"Don't be gentle" in the original post I didn't realize what that really meant...but I do now. The critique was tough, but constructive and that's a good thing.

        As you can imagine this was my first attempt to write a headline that's a little edgy so please let me explain.

        For example; "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It and And Get It Right The First Time," addresses a question that investors typically ask when investing: "Where to stick my money?" The "Beast" or Forex in this case, is intimidating for many. "Wet" another way of saying, "Liquidity" or cash flowing anytime, every time.

        In a way, it was amazing what imaginations this headline inspired. Perhaps I was a bit too "creative" and accept the fact that sensibilities need to be taken into account.

        In any event I apologize if I have offended anyone.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201418].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
          Originally Posted by Rich2010 View Post

          For example; “If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It and And Get It Right The First Time,” addresses a question that investors typically ask when investing: “Where to stick my money?” The “Beast” or Forex in this case, is intimidating for many. “Wet” another way of saying, “Liquidity” or cash flowing anytime, every time.
          Well, that's what you should use as the basis for your next attempt.

          For example if you want to stay with the monster metaphor:

          GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THE BEAST WHO GIVES YOU BACK VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED CASH FLOWS ON DEMAND
          Finally there's a way to tame the forex monster

          Dear friend,

          Need to know where to stick your money. Need to get liquidity plus high returns. Forex is intimidating. Here's the answer. etc etc...

          Or if you want to stay with the sex metaphor:

          DISCOVER THE SECRET FINANCIAL G-SPOT THAT TURNS YOUR FINANCIAL INVESTMENT INTO VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED REPEAT ORGASMS OF PROFIT ON DEMAND
          Even Forex virgins can successfully turn financial trades into their personal wealth harem, dancing exotic cash flows into your account while you watch

          That might be even more controversial than your first one. At least it's an internally consistent image. The metaphor that makes the sex/investment link perfectly clear. Controversy might work, depending on the demographics and attitudes of the people who will see the ad. I would throw this ad in the trash as fast as possible. But I've met some guys who would eagerly read every word. (They tend to wind up as mediocre but politically well connected middle managers, for some reason.)

          Controversy plus unclarity, as in your original headline, gives you the worst of both worlds.

          Notice that I included "virtually" each time, so that the headline doesn't say these results happen every single time, guaranteed.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202901].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
            Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

            Well, that's what you should use as the basis for your next attempt.

            For example if you want to stay with the monster metaphor:

            GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THE BEAST WHO GIVES YOU BACK VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED CASH FLOWS ON DEMAND
            Finally there's a way to tame the forex monster

            Dear friend,

            Need to know where to stick your money. Need to get liquidity plus high returns. Forex is intimidating. Here's the answer. etc etc...

            Or if you want to stay with the sex metaphor:

            DISCOVER THE SECRET FINANCIAL G-SPOT THAT TURNS YOUR FINANCIAL INVESTMENT INTO VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED REPEAT ORGASMS OF PROFIT ON DEMAND
            Even Forex virgins can successfully turn financial trades into their personal wealth harem, dancing exotic cash flows into your account while you watch

            That might be even more controversial than your first one. At least it's an internally consistent image. The metaphor that makes the sex/investment link perfectly clear. Controversy might work, depending on the demographics and attitudes of the people who will see the ad. I would throw this ad in the trash as fast as possible. But I've met some guys who would eagerly read every word. (They tend to wind up as mediocre but politically well connected middle managers, for some reason.)

            Controversy plus unclarity, as in your original headline, gives you the worst of both worlds.

            Notice that I included "virtually" each time, so that the headline doesn't say these results happen every single time, guaranteed.
            Appreciate the detailed feed back. It's a nice piece you wrote. I can see the references especially associated with demographics. Certainly you've given me something to work with. Many thanks.

            Rich
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2206658].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author colinjoss
        It reminds me of the ads that appear once in a blue moon with the headline 'Sex!'

        Then the body copy starts 'Now I've got your attention let's talk about insurance.'

        It gets attention but pisses off the reader.

        It makes me wonder if your client really has the goods if he's wanting that kinda headline. If he had the goods he'd want to shout it from the rooftops (or in this case your headline).

        Colin
        Signature

        "You're exactly the kind of professional any business owner would be lucky to have writing his copy."

        John Carlton, the most ripped off, respected, and referred-to copywriter alive.

        Colin Joss, Direct Response Copywriter

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2206964].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Artisor
        “I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.”

        - George W. Bush, 43rd American President.

        When headlines are all that even the most important person in the country looks at, you've gotta ensure that you have a really good one. After all, you don't know if the one's who are supposed to be reading beyond the headline are doing their job either!

        Since your communication is forex related, try and get the essence out there in the headline instead of titillating (confusing?) the reader.

        Use these 4 U's to come up with some great headlines:
        The headline's got to be
        Unique
        - You're not the only one offering forex products, are you?
        Useful - What's in it for the reader. Focus on benefits, not features.
        Ultraspecific - Go one step further and make them visualize the benefits
        Urgent
        - Make them act. NOW.


        An 'in your face' headline for a forex product could be:

        "Make your forex work for you, while you unwind in the south of France this winter - get the Forex Pro edge"
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2213333].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    This one is really bad...

    In your face...

    That's a loose term.

    It's about emotion...

    What emotion did it create?

    What image did it create?

    Where did my mind wonder?

    Not on making money that's for sure...

    No emotion you are looking for is curious or amazed or anything besides:

    Grossed out!

    Dripping? Really?

    Unless your market is directed to porn addicts, that headline is going to gross most people out.
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199426].message }}
  • Rich,

    If your client wants a sexy headline, why not try something like this:

    Some people think being rich will make hot women beg to make love to you.
    I don't know if that's true, but what I DO know is...
    "Your Forex Domination System is
    the Easiest Way for You to Get Rich"

    The hot women are up to you.

    It's not nearly as offensive and still slides sex in a penetrating way into the headline.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199471].message }}
  • Perryny - I thanked you for that. Why? Because you said what I was thinking, before I even knew it.

    Thanks.
    Signature
    Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199714].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author perryny
      I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em...

      Actually, I'm hoping to soon be able to contribute more than the occasional wise-crack. Lots to learn first...

      Thanks for the thanks.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199743].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by perryny View Post

        I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em...

        Actually, I'm hoping to soon be able to contribute more than the occasional wise-crack. Lots to learn first...

        Thanks for the thanks.
        Your contributions are great.

        ESPECIALLY the wise-cracks.

        Regarding the OP... your "client" wants shock value.

        He wants something that'll make people sit up... take notice... and stop what they're doing to read your letter.

        Metaphors are difficult to put into headlines due to space restrictions.

        Instead... arouse their curiosity and hammer what they want.

        Check out the best-sellers on CB and see how they do it.

        Kind regards,

        -Dan
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2200043].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    You lost me at "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It," which my brain immediately completed with "...I Can Tell You Where To Stick It" and I was instantly offended.

    Secuality doesn't have to be overt. Use a little euphemism in there.

    "Want Your Very Own Pot Of Forex Honey
    Begging For All The Action You Can Give It?"
    You can't tell me guys won't get the reference, but at the same time it's not crude and filthy and gross.
    Signature
    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2199749].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
      Originally Posted by CDarklock View Post

      You lost me at "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It," which my brain immediately completed with "...I Can Tell You Where To Stick It" and I was instantly offended.
      Now there's a headline for a New Yawkeh!
      The Original Rejection Line
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2200035].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author James Fried
    It is definitely edgy but I think a little too over tho top.

    However, why don't you split test it and see how it goes? Everybody here is just another person giving his/her opinion.
    Signature

    Lazy Entreprenuer Guaranteed to At Least Double His Money in 10 Days - $100 Guarantee

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2200254].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
      Originally Posted by James Fried View Post

      It is definitely edgy but I think a little too over tho top.

      However, why don't you split test it and see how it goes? Everybody here is just another person giving his/her opinion.
      Could be interesting to split test...the opinions here are really interesting.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201124].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author yianni
    interesting headline

    although i kinda wonder whether it was actually forex you were talking about?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201159].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
      Originally Posted by yianni View Post

      interesting headline

      although i kinda wonder whether it was actually forex you were talking about?
      Yeah, does kind of tug on the old g-string doesn't it...
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2206680].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Good rule of thumb: Headlines are like jokes.

    If you have to explain them... they don't work.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201682].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author perryny
      Just one more "sex sells" observation...

      There's very few threads on this first page that have garnered a level of response equal to this one (and "Darth Vader is Gay is one of them).

      If this was a request for a critique on an ineffective, but not sexually offensive headline, I bet the OP would have gotten several suggestions on what was missing or needed and he no doubt would've gotten several free creative re-writes.

      But I doubt there would be nearly this level of participation (granted, I think I'm probably the high poster in this one).

      Let's face it though. We're attracted to the subject. And I'm going to make sure to keep this in mind whenever I'm working on future advertising. If there's a way to penetrate it into my work, I'm going to give it a shot.

      Makes me view Halbert a little differently now. I've only recently discovered his work, but a lot of where I thought he might have had a "could-care-less... if the sh*tweasles don't like it, let them read something else" attitude, now I think he might have very intentionally been pulling more readers in by using what he knows attracts us all... like it or not.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2201917].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    he wants a pushy, in your face crapping headline... something that would shock.
    Here's where you can stick
    your Forex Bot
    - you scammer you!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202180].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CoachEric
    Hi folks:

    I have a doc with almost 100 of the most successful headlines of all times. Email me if you want a copy or if I can figure out how to attach it I can do that. thecoachescoach@gmail.com

    Eric
    Signature

    EricD

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202197].message }}
  • "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The G-Spot Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time"

    If I was a virgin and was looking for how to put it on a chick, I would give you my email for that headline. You had some enticing parts for a sex related niche, but not forex. At least you are showing effort and getting feedback. Never give up.
    Signature
    Go Get Your FREE $3,000 bonus over at my website Marketing Test Monkey
    Go Check Out the $500 in 15 days Challenge
    Get Instant Access Here
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202650].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rich2010
      Originally Posted by MarketingTestMonkey View Post

      "If You Have Ever Wondered Where To Stick It And Get It Right The First Time, Give Me Just 5 Minutes And I Will Show You My Secret Trick That Will Keep The G-Spot Wet And Dripping Anytime And Every Time"

      If I was a virgin and was looking for how to put it on a chick, I would give you my email for that headline. You had some enticing parts for a sex related niche, but not forex. At least you are showing effort and getting feedback. Never give up.
      Thanks, I like the "G-Spot Wet And Dripping" part, but maybe the F-Spot might work too.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2206666].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Could be worse...

    We could have been talking about "yellow matter custard"...

    ...dripping from a flaming pie...

    Just watch and see how they snide.

    I'm cryin'
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202819].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      Could be worse...

      We could have been talking about "yellow matter custard"...

      ...dripping from a flaming pie...


      Just watch and see how they snide.

      I'm cryin'
      We weren't already?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2202833].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ina696
    A 45-word headline is straining on the eye and can be difficult to "get." I'm no copywriter but I read a lot of headlines (and buy a lot of products online). As another Warrior so aptly put it, cut the fat. Also, as has been recommended, think about the frustration of the customer and write the headline promising a solution to his (or her) problem. I don't know a thing about Forex but (please don't take offense at this), based on the headline you have, I would get at least a basic concept of what a Forex investor needs to succeed. Then do a tighter, more clever, solution-oriented (and far less sexual) headline.

    Thanks to the Warrior who recommended Copyblogger.com. I think I'll check that site out, myself.

    Ina
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2206741].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Harvey
    To be fair Rich2010, I think the client meant he wanted a really bold headline that would shock people. Your headline is so sinful *grins* that it brings other images to the front and I don't think he intended that.

    I am just laughing now, imagining what someone will think when they read that. Definitely a shocker!
    Signature
    "Find the problem and provide the solution."
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2211500].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author DCromwell
    After reading through all the responses (and I did, because I need an extremely good chuckle and I got that in spades) I've picked up a few good things to take away from this as well. I particularly like the comment about a headline being like a joke from Daniel Scott. Makes perfect sense.

    I'm a fan of brevity but with the right copy I know you can lead anyone through a long headline. Especially copy like that. Pity it wasn't specific to Forex. I read it right through. I'm not interested in Forex after reading it but it does elicit a "bowchicawowow".

    Would certainly make for some interest split testing.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2211656].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Hesaidblissfully
      Does he want a headline that's "in your face" or a headline that "actually sells stuff"?

      Not that the two are mutually exclusive, but since his prospects are the ones who will be buying his products, you should be crafting your headlines around what they want, not strictly what he wants. Now once you understand what they want, you can weave their desires into something edgy, if that's how your client wants to brand himself. But you have to start with the prospects' desires. And don't be afraid to tell your client as much (in a professional way, of course) because understanding where his prospects are coming from and writing for them will be the difference between an ad that pulls and an ad that just sounds cool.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2213001].message }}
  • Part of me loves it .... but it;s not the part of me that is allowed sharp objects ;-)
    Signature

    Please read the sig file rules

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2481022].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author InitialEffort
    From someone who actively trades. I would bypass the main headline and think that person has no clue what they are talking about.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2500652].message }}

Trending Topics