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Sales Page - 20+ hrs of Writes and Rewrites - Now Looking For a Critique!

by JoshuaG
19 replies
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Here is a link to the sales page:
www.advancedadsense.com

Note: If you are an inexperienced copywriter, I respectfully ask that you not comment. I'd like to avoid misleading information, thank you!
#critique #hrs #page #rewrites #sales #writes
  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Hey Josh,

    I took a quick look at your sales page. Honestly, it just doesn't have enough information. Why should I trust you? Why should I buy your product instead of every other PPC product out there? Where are the names on the testimonials?

    I highly recommend you target people who are seeking more traffic in general, rather than just people who use adsense.

    Also, the "Dear Unsuccessful Entreprenuer" intro just isn't a great way to start a sales letter. Just your average "Fellow Marketer", or "Dear Friend" will work fine. There is much more to expand on which I don't currently have time for.

    I didn't check out the video, but I recommend you have all the info in text anyway - perhaps we can give some more feedback that way

    - Dean
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    • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
      Did this take 20 hours? There is not much wording and it's not
      very specific. Was that including the video production?

      The layout in some areas of the page is a little off

      If you are going to be this pithy, it needs a LOT more specifics. I
      would bring the video and testimonials to the top. (I would stagger
      the testimonials rather than drop them in a row)...

      of course since there are no names attached to the testimonials,
      they are useless without them.

      The headline sounds like the other million of your competitors- weak.

      Pop it up as a WSO and see what the results/responses are. If you
      get a lot of questions you'll know what needs to be added. If you
      get nothing, toss it in the trash and start over. $20 is a cheap test.

      Hope that helps a little
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    • Profile picture of the author Robert Boduch
      Hi Joshua...

      Just had a quick glance and I think there are several things you can do to improve response - right from the outset.

      Here are a few to get you started... but please keep in mind this is only one opinion...

      Your headline -- "Generate More Adsense Wealth Than Ever Before Without More Sites Or Traffic!" -- could be MUCH stronger. Think about your target market and ask yourself... what is it they really want? What is the one thing you could promise that would get these folks to sit up and take notice? That's what you need to lead with to cause advertising-weary eyes to suddenly perk up and pay attention.

      "Wealth" might not be the right word to use here. My guess is that MOST people using this method are only getting a trickle of results. They sense the potential, but "wealth" is too much of a disconnect because they're at the opposite end at the moment.

      A few lines later... you suggest "Could Easily DOUBLE Adsense Earnings With Only 10 Minutes of Work (per site)?" BINGO! Now that would sound appealing to me as someone struggling to make Adsense pay off on a larger scale.

      Think about human nature for a moment.

      Who wouldn't want maximum return/results for a minimum investment in time/effort? Even if our logical minds tells us it's not likely to happen that way... the strong emotional pull of the promise bypasses any skepticism.

      Also... you've got too much bold text showing. Save this for headlines and special elements you want to draw the reader's attention to. Too many colors too. Again, this is something that should be used sparingly.

      As Steven suggested "Dear (Un)Successful Adsense Earner" isn't the most effective way to get started with your copy. You want people to read on rather than move on. Nobody likes being reminded of their shortfalls or to be labeled as "unsuccessful". I suggest you'd be better off with an alternate -- or no salutation at all.

      Your testimonials lack credibility. Without a name, it looks somewhat artificial. I'm sure these are genuine testimonials from your customers, but you need to make people feel that way about any feedback you decide to use in your copy.

      Once you've got their attention and interest, you need to build on this foundation in a way that leads prospects the down the greased chute straight towards the "Buy Now" button.

      Hope this helps!

      Robert
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Hi Joshua,


    I took a very brief look and here are 4 suggestions to make immediate improvements:

    1. The formatting needs to be improved
    2. The color combinations (red/navy/black) are not ideal - confuses eyeballs
    3. You need to add more meat to the content of the copy
    4. Reconsider making your opening *positive* instead of negative i.e.
      Dear (Un)Successful Adsense Earner
    Best of Luck,

    Justin
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  • Profile picture of the author copycashvalve
    here is a quick tip:

    next to your guarantee, put a video up of your face, (Since you already have video) . Now if you're not camera shy, offer them the guarantee this way.. This adds credibility to your offer/guarantee.

    Hope this helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author Topgunb
    Hey Josh

    Had a quick look....

    #1 Remove 1 your below problem ....
    Drastically increasing your your Adsense earnings doesn’t


    #2 Use the word Cash instead of Money
    #3 Try to put in exact amount if available
    #4 User comments lack credibility since no name or locations available

    20 hours, hey, I know it gets rough... Hang in there

    Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author DJL
    Just a few quick notes:
    I agree with others that your top headline is weak. The one beginning "What If I Told You" would make a stronger impression.
    Typographical errors:
    1. Google spells it "AdSense" not "Adsense"
    2. "Its The Honest Truth" should be "It's The Honest Truth"
    3. "newbie's" should be "newbies"
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    • Profile picture of the author JoshuaG
      Thanks for the help so far guys.
      I'll consider your suggestions and make changes appropriately.
      If anyone has anything else to add I''m happy to hear it.
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  • Profile picture of the author JoshuaG
    All of my testimonials come from other warriors so I don't know their real names.
    Would it be acceptable to use their usernames from warrior forum on the testimonials?
    Or does that do nothing to improve trust? Would you guys just make up names?
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    • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
      Originally Posted by JoshuaG View Post

      All of my testimonials come from other warriors so I don't know their real names.
      Would it be acceptable to use their usernames from warrior forum on the testimonials?
      Or does that do nothing to improve trust? Would you guys just make up names?
      If you're making this a WSO, screen names would be better.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi JoshuaG,

    I agree with what others have said above.

    In addition, what you might want to consider is coming up with a hook. Something that invokes curiousity or intrigue. Like a personal story, or a metaphor, or how you discovered these strategies.

    I find your copy benefit-laden (which is good,) but it's not quite enough to cut through everything else that's out there.

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author Obelisk
      PM Me....u dont want this in a public forum......

      I get at least 50% visitor to optin, and at least 40% from optin to conversion. what you have wont cut it.

      Chris

      P.S. Sound Crappy? I have been there and done that. Now I know the ways....heee heee hee
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      • Profile picture of the author JoshuaG
        I've taken your suggestions into consideration and have updated the copy immensely. Take a look and tell me what you think!

        The one thing I didn't do was add names to the copy.
        Again because I only know the user names of these people. They all reviewed my WSO.
        Should I just make up names?
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        • Profile picture of the author Robert Boduch
          Originally Posted by JoshuaG View Post

          The one thing I didn't do was add names to the copy. Again because I only know the user names of these people. They all reviewed my WSO. Should I just make up names?

          NEVER ever use made-up names! In fact... don't even think about it.

          Credibility is crucial in marketing. Don't risk your reputation with fake names.

          The whole point of testimonials is to provide proof of your claims from actual product users. The more details - the better because details like names, home town's and web sites contribute to the credibility of the claim. Some kind of name is necessary. A forum user name is better than nothing. Best of all is a full name, company, position, photograph, video snippet, email and telephone number. But nobody will give you all this -- unless your customer is your mother. LOL

          If you're willing to fake the names on testimonials, why should prospects trust that the comments attributed to others are not fake as well. Better to not use a testimonial than to assign it a fake name, in my opinion.

          Robert
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        • Profile picture of the author Kevin Williams
          Originally Posted by JoshuaG View Post

          I've taken your suggestions into consideration and have updated the copy immensely. Take a look and tell me what you think!

          The one thing I didn't do was add names to the copy.
          Again because I only know the user names of these people. They all reviewed my WSO.
          Should I just make up names?
          No, no, no. No. Don't make up names - just don't do it.

          As for the sales page - it has definitely improved. Still though, is English your first language? I'm sure it is, but there are still a lot of typos and just bad grammar. I recommend you get someone fluent in English to proofread it, or if you have money you can hire a good copywriter to go over your sales letter and help you improve it.

          Also, for the love of God, stop capitalizing every word!

          P.S. I wouldn't even respond to this guy:
          PM Me....u dont want this in a public forum......

          I get at least 50% visitor to optin, and at least 40% from optin to conversion. what you have wont cut it.

          Chris

          P.S. Sound Crappy? I have been there and done that. Now I know the ways....heee heee hee
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          • Profile picture of the author JoshuaG
            Originally Posted by Kevin Williams View Post

            No, no, no. No. Don't make up names - just don't do it.

            As for the sales page - it has definitely improved. Still though, is English your first language? I'm sure it is, but there are still a lot of typos and just bad grammar. I recommend you get someone fluent in English to proofread it, or if you have money you can hire a good copywriter to go over your sales letter and help you improve it.

            Also, for the love of God, stop capitalizing every word!

            P.S. I wouldn't even respond to this guy:
            "Is english you first language? Im sure it is..."
            Is this constructive? I'm sure its not.

            And I've been told that you don't need to worry about bad grammer. You want to use a more conversational approach. I mean sure, if people can't follow what their reading then that is a problem. But this isn't an english class, this is trying to connect with people and explain something to them in a meaningful way.

            Thanks for the suggestions though.
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            • Profile picture of the author Kevin Williams
              Originally Posted by JoshuaG View Post

              "Is english you first language? Im sure it is..."
              Is this constructive? I'm sure its not.

              And I've been told that you don't need to worry about bad grammer. You want to use a more conversational approach. I mean sure, if people can't follow what their reading then that is a problem. But this isn't an english class, this is trying to connect with people and explain something to them in a meaningful way.

              Thanks for the suggestions though.
              I'm sorry you took that the wrong way but I was honestly asking if it was your first language. My first glance made the grammar look worse than it actually was.

              Yes you're right that a conversational approach is good, but spelling mistakes and bad grammar can still take away from the sales letter and break the flow of it. Overall though you only have a few mistakes on there - a couple more revisions and you would be fine.
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  • Profile picture of the author docsulo
    I didn't get very far in glancing at your sales letter when this hit me:

    "Would you believe me if I said:"

    Bad way to start a sales pitch unless you've got full attention and are doing it to gain curiosity for dramatic effect immediately after.

    For example, "Would you believe me if I told you I can smash this car with a sledge hammer and fix it within ten seconds using just this q-tip sized suction cup? Let me show you (smashes car with sledge hammer)"

    Even then I'm not sure I'd use it.

    Anyway...

    Get rid of that.
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