Critique Request-Squeeze Page currently converting less than 1%!

29 replies
Hello Marketers!

it's a pleasure to introduce myself :-) my name is Ken and I just joined the forum.

Let me just come out and say I am LOST.

I am looking for a qualified guidance from you with my squeeze page. I just started out a couple months ago with NO List.

On my squeeze page, all I am selling is "Opt-In". Since I've created many many free cool stuff to give out, I was confident that my landing page would work.

Well, let's just say I was WRONG! Conversion is NOT so great (less than 1%). I've been trying to tweak it many times but each time seems to get worse.

My market is in weight loss and my market is mostly 28+ Women. I am here to sincerely ask for your help. I've wasted so much time and dollars and can only blame myself for not seeking out help from forums like this sooner.

Here is my current squeeze page:

http://revolution.kenparkfitness.com/funnels/9516

Please let me know. Thank you in advance.

Ken
#converting #critique #page #requestsqueeze
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Your page isn't perfect...

    But if you're converting at 1% for that page, you've got serious traffic problems... or your math is off.

    Where's your traffic coming from?

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by kyungsam3 View Post

    Please let me know. Thank you in advance.

    Ken
    Well, having done some successful ad campaigns for a couple weight loss companies, here's a couple things I can pass along.

    Women in this market are very visual - your page needs to pop and jump - you need some visual candy - some before and after photos - some quick and powerful testimonials.

    You need to add some color.

    The video should be fast moving - featuring women giving brief testimonials - with before and after shots - it needs to be full of promises and able to paint visual images.

    Right now you pretty much have a dry, all text page.

    If you follow my suggestions, and you get the right traffic - you'll have no problem whatsoever getting women to sign up.
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    • Profile picture of the author kenboss
      I agree that the page is visually unappealing, but I respectfully disagree with Daniel Scott - I don't think it's just down to traffic or your math. I'm sorry if this is going to be harsh, but to me there are a great many clear reasons why you are not getting sign-ups. Others may disagree with me, but here are a few personal observations:

      What you seem to intend as your attention-getting headline ("yes, you can lose half of you", etc) is tiny and hard to read.

      But frankly, it is also an uninspired headline - "you can lose half of you in half the time" just sounds like word gimmickry. Think about it - except in extreme cases, most women are not actually aiming to lose half their body weight! "Half the time" is pretty vague, but actually for marketing purposes it's pretty ok.

      Why not make it much bigger and something more like: "SECRET FORMULA HELPS YOU REACH YOUR WEIGHT GOAL IN HALF THE TIME!"

      There is no such word as "lubber". I believe the word you are thinking of is "blubber". :p

      But even if you were to change it, the image you are presenting here, "lumps of blubber", "old muffin top", "lose your lard" is actually pretty insulting - it seems to be attempting to address an extremely negative self image that a lot of overweight people simply don't have, especially women - a great many know they need to lose weight, but they would NEVER describe themselves they way you are describing them, and it could be very off-putting. Max5ty's suggestions about POSITIVE eye candy are the way to go here.

      "We’re going to guide you through your weight loss revolution. " is coming across here as kind of presumptuous - it is not offering the reader any choice, or even an illusion of choice - especially as you have done little or nothing at this point, to woo the readers trust so there is nothing to stop the reader thinking "well who the hell are you? and why should I read any further?"

      Even if they do read further, the next sentence is a disaster: "We will crawl before we walk and walk before we run." Although I know it isn't your intention, this wording almost presents an image of the teachers themselves crawling, etc. - as if they were novices as teaching this sort of thing.

      Suggested improvement: "Why not let me guide you through YOUR weightloss revolution RIGHT NOW, step by careful step!! As with every worthwhile achievement, you crawl before you walk and walk before you run."

      In a squeeze page like this, everything should be "above the fold" - absolutely no scrolling should be required of the reader.

      And unfortunately in this case, as they do scroll through your four-week promise, it's unappealing- you are threatening to bore them for three whole weeks with inspirational stuff and nutritional tidbits all of which they are going to suspect they've heard before, and make them wait until the fourth week before you reveal "the secret formula", I think that's waaayyy too long to be enticing, and if they have a pretty good suspicion by this time that this formula will probably take the form of a sales pitch, you definitely confirm that for them with this unnecessary giveaway of your intention:

      " with a view to a longer term relationship through your engagement of our services. Please note that the value of our workshop is over $1,000 and in no way obligates you to conduct business with our company :-)"

      SUGGESTION: CUT all the stuff about engagement of services and no-obligation, it's not necessary, and make this a four day workshop, NOT four weeks. If they think you will get to the meat in four days, a LOT more would sign up.

      Observations about the video:
      Your opening statement needs to be more than a confirmation that you exist. The fact that they can see you exist is neither reassuring or surprising - of course you exist, no one is actually thinking this advert has been written by an alien or robot. But so what? What they DO need to know here, before you go into your content, is how are you qualified, or in other words, why should they listen to you at all?

      SUGGESTION: this is something you will have to think about, because, like the viewer, I too have no idea how or why you are qualified to give weightloss advice

      And I am sorry to say, but the rest of the video has an amateur feel - is poorly edited, and is frankly way too technical & complicated to be inspiring - it's pretty hard to follow, and does nothing to reinforce the image of a workshop that is supposed to be of $1000 value. It even cuts off in mid-sentence at the end, leaving an impression of poor quality material.

      Finally, the video is so small, that you cannot easily read what is written there - which means that a huge number of viewers will click on the Vimeo logo so they can view it on the Vimeo site, which has two big drawbacks - number one, they are leaving your squeeze page - never a good idea to make them do that, and number two, on the vimeo site it becomes clear that you have named your video with the unappealing title "squeeze 7 teaser content"!

      I hope this is helpful feedback- I know it is hugely critical, but a lack of conversions is equally critical, and I'm just trying to suggest some possible reasons for it.

      thanks for reading
      Ken
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      • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
        Originally Posted by kenboss View Post

        I agree that the page is visually unappealing, but I respectfully disagree with Daniel Scott - I don't think it's just down to traffic or your math. I'm sorry if this is going to be harsh, but to me there are a great many clear reasons why you are not getting sign-ups. Others may disagree with me, but here are a few personal observations:

        What you seem to intend as your attention-getting headline ("yes, you can lose half of you", etc) is tiny and hard to read.

        But frankly, it is also an uninspired headline - "you can lose half of you in half the time" just sounds like word gimmickry. Think about it - except in extreme cases, most women are not actually aiming to lose half their body weight! "Half the time" is pretty vague, but actually for marketing purposes it's pretty ok.

        Why not make it much bigger and something more like: "SECRET FORMULA HELPS YOU REACH YOUR WEIGHT GOAL IN HALF THE TIME!"

        There is no such word as "lubber". I believe the word you are thinking of is "blubber". :p

        But even if you were to change it, the image you are presenting here, "lumps of blubber", "old muffin top", "lose your lard" is actually pretty insulting - it seems to be attempting to address an extremely negative self image that a lot of overweight people simply don't have, especially women - a great many know they need to lose weight, but they would NEVER describe themselves they way you are describing them, and it could be very off-putting. Max5ty's suggestions about POSITIVE eye candy are the way to go here.

        "We're going to guide you through your weight loss revolution. " is coming across here as kind of presumptuous - it is not offering the reader any choice, or even an illusion of choice - especially as you have done little or nothing at this point, to woo the readers trust so there is nothing to stop the reader thinking "well who the hell are you? and why should I read any further?"

        Even if they do read further, the next sentence is a disaster: "We will crawl before we walk and walk before we run." Although I know it isn't your intention, this wording almost presents an image of the teachers themselves crawling, etc. - as if they were novices as teaching this sort of thing.

        Suggested improvement: "Why not let me guide you through YOUR weightloss revolution RIGHT NOW, step by careful step!! As with every worthwhile achievement, you crawl before you walk and walk before you run."

        In a squeeze page like this, everything should be "above the fold" - absolutely no scrolling should be required of the reader.

        And unfortunately in this case, as they do scroll through your four-week promise, it's unappealing- you are threatening to bore them for three whole weeks with inspirational stuff and nutritional tidbits all of which they are going to suspect they've heard before, and make them wait until the fourth week before you reveal "the secret formula", I think that's waaayyy too long to be enticing, and if they have a pretty good suspicion by this time that this formula will probably take the form of a sales pitch, you definitely confirm that for them with this unnecessary giveaway of your intention:

        " with a view to a longer term relationship through your engagement of our services. Please note that the value of our workshop is over $1,000 and in no way obligates you to conduct business with our company :-)"

        SUGGESTION: CUT all the stuff about engagement of services and no-obligation, it's not necessary, and make this a four day workshop, NOT four weeks. If they think you will get to the meat in four days, a LOT more would sign up.

        Observations about the video:
        Your opening statement needs to be more than a confirmation that you exist. The fact that they can see you exist is neither reassuring or surprising - of course you exist, no one is actually thinking this advert has been written by an alien or robot. But so what? What they DO need to know here, before you go into your content, is how are you qualified, or in other words, why should they listen to you at all?

        SUGGESTION: this is something you will have to think about, because, like the viewer, I too have no idea how or why you are qualified to give weightloss advice

        And I am sorry to say, but the rest of the video has an amateur feel - is poorly edited, and is frankly way too technical & complicated to be inspiring - it's pretty hard to follow, and does nothing to reinforce the image of a workshop that is supposed to be of $1000 value. It even cuts off in mid-sentence at the end, leaving an impression of poor quality material.

        Finally, the video is so small, that you cannot easily read what is written there - which means that a huge number of viewers will click on the Vimeo logo so they can view it on the Vimeo site, which has two big drawbacks - number one, they are leaving your squeeze page - never a good idea to make them do that, and number two, on the vimeo site it becomes clear that you have named your video with the unappealing title "squeeze 7 teaser content"!

        I hope this is helpful feedback- I know it is hugely critical, but a lack of conversions is equally critical, and I'm just trying to suggest some possible reasons for it.

        thanks for reading
        Ken
        Thanks Ken, for taking time to address issues in that much of depth. That was great.

        will take each of your point to consideration for sure.

        cheers,

        Ken
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          If you have no testimonials, you can restructure the way you're advertising the program.

          Make sure you build enough proof as to why they should listen to you - something you came up with based on x,y,z testing, etc. You get the point.

          Years ago Bill Phillips did a similar thing with his first "Body For Life" challenge. It was a program he put together, and in order to promote it he had a contest.

          You can advertise the program as though you're looking for volunteers to do the program - taking before and after pictures, etc., people love a challenge. Probably wouldn't hurt to also sell supplements or exercise bands, or mats, or water bottles, blah, blah, to the people who signed up - great way to make loads of back end money in the weight loss area (you've already got their trust).

          Build enough excitement, and the people trying the program will be more than happy to start sending in progress pictures.

          As far as pictures, you could get some to review it, and give their thoughts. You could still show some women exercising etc. - still a lot of ways you can do it. Whatever they have to do in the program, show action pictures of it.

          If that's you in the video, you could also talk about the program with someone else - there's a million ways to do it.

          The weight loss market is an easy market to sell to if you build a lot of excitement-

          -it's all about building a lot of excitement and action.

          Just some quick thoughts.
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          • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
            Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

            If you have no testimonials, you can restructure the way you're advertising the program.

            Years ago Bill Phillips did a similar thing with his first "Body For Life" challenge. It was a program he put together, and in order to promote it he had a contest.

            You can advertise the program as though you're looking for volunteers to do the program - taking before and after pictures, etc., people love a challenge. Probably wouldn't hurt to also sell supplements or exercise bands, or mats, or water bottles, blah, blah, to the people who signed up - great way to make loads of back end money in the weight loss area (you've already got their trust).

            Build enough excitement, and the people trying the program will be more than happy to start sending in progress pictures.

            As far as pictures, you could get some to review it, and give their thoughts. You could still show some women exercising etc. - still a lot of ways you can do it. Whatever they have to do in the program, show action pictures of it.

            If that's you in the video, you could also talk about the program with someone else - there's a million ways to do it.

            The weight loss market is an easy market to sell to if you build a lot of excitement-

            -it's all about building a lot of excitement and action.

            Just some quick thoughts.
            Thanks Max5ty,

            that's a great idea...! I'm gonna have to give some thoughts how I would implement it now.

            Ken
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by kenboss View Post

        I agree that the page is visually unappealing, but I respectfully disagree with Daniel Scott - I don't think it's just down to traffic or your math. I'm sorry if this is going to be harsh, but to me there are a great many clear reasons why you are not getting sign-ups.
        I never said the copy was perfect - or even strong - because it isn't.

        But as I said... 1% with a page like that means a SERIOUS traffic issue.

        At a guess I'd say the OP's keywords are poorly targeted.

        I've re-written these kinds of pages and tripled client response rates... but based on what I'm seeing here, while the copy can certainly be improved, it's far from the biggest problem he has.

        -Daniel
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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        • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
          Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

          I never said the copy was perfect - or even strong - because it isn't.

          But as I said... 1% with a page like that means a SERIOUS traffic issue.

          At a guess I'd say the OP's keywords are poorly targeted.

          I've re-written these kinds of pages and tripled client response rates... but based on what I'm seeing here, while the copy can certainly be improved, it's far from the biggest problem he has.

          -Daniel
          Hi Daniel,

          thanks for leaving a comment man. I just want to clarify what you said. How do you mean by SERIOUS traffic issue? What would be more acceptable percentage? What are you saying my biggest problem is?

          thanks again Daniel.

          ken
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    • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      Well, having done some successful ad campaigns for a couple weight loss companies, here's a couple things I can pass along.

      Women in this market are very visual - your page needs to pop and jump - you need some visual candy - some before and after photos - some quick and powerful testimonials.

      You need to add some color.

      The video should be fast moving - featuring women giving brief testimonials - with before and after shots - it needs to be full of promises and able to paint visual images.

      Right now you pretty much have a dry, all text page.

      If you follow my suggestions, and you get the right traffic - you'll have no problem whatsoever getting women to sign up.
      Hi max5ty,

      thanks a lot for your valuable feedback. Just have one question in the back of my mind. I am starting out in this market and don't really have REAL testimonials. Have you done any "borrow-proof" testimonials? any advice on how I would go about doing it? Thank again.

      Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    First of all. You've done many things right, that most people do way wrong.
    So congrats on that.

    Anyways onward to making it convert.

    The prehead and headline are too wordy and confusing.

    How many people don't know what a muffin top is?
    Probably more than you think.

    I also had to read your headline and prehead multiple times to make sure it totally clicked.

    Your headline is targeted towards women, but your video has a picture of a man looking right at them. There could be some damaging incongruity there. Because pictures often act like signs for the human brain. And a picture of a man is a sign that says "this is about men". Where a picture of a woman would say "this is about women." Thus naturally attracting the attention of the same sex as the displayed model.



    Also the first line of copy is really weak.
    "We’re going to guide you through your weight loss revolution. We will crawl before we walk and walk before we run."

    That's almost the exact opposite of what you want to say. You want to get straight to the point.
    In an old weight loss ad written by Joe Karbo (might have been Suarez, do not remember). The opening line was something like this. (do not remember exactly)

    "If you have a belly. And want to flatten it like a board, fast. Then read this message very carefully"

    See that is straight to the point, and goes straight for the benefit jugular.

    Also the url might be doing more damage than good.
    "http://revolution.kenparkfitness.com/sq/6398-discipline-dedication-perseverence"
    "discipline-dedication-perseverence" is not what you want to be selling.
    Come up with a cool name for your method. And have the words "lose weight" or "slim down" or something along those lines in the name of the method.
    Similar to Montello ads about the "Fat Burning Furnace."

    your bullets are pretty weak.

    and your call to action is confusing and also weak.
    "Just use your valid email as you password – then click the “Get Instant Access” button to enter (Use the same password when returning. All information kept 100% confidential). Click play and allow the video a few seconds to load, as it has a longer video on it."

    as your password? use same password? What password? click play on what? the video in the corner? longer video? What? Where?

    Also it is weird to put a sentence about password and returning. And confidentiality in the same ( ).

    and your p.s. is absolutely horrible (and terribly confusing), and probably not even needed here.
    I'd just lose it all together for now at least.
    Signature

    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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    • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      First of all. You've done many things right, that most people do way wrong.
      So congrats on that.

      Anyways onward to making it convert.

      The prehead and headline are too wordy and confusing.

      How many people don't know what a muffin top is?
      Probably more than you think.

      I also had to read your headline and prehead multiple times to make sure it totally clicked.

      Your headline is targeted towards women, but your video has a picture of a man looking right at them. There could be some damaging incongruity there. Because pictures often act like signs for the human brain. And a picture of a man is a sign that says "this is about men". Where a picture of a woman would say "this is about women." Thus naturally attracting the attention of the same sex as the displayed model.



      Also the first line of copy is really weak.
      "We're going to guide you through your weight loss revolution. We will crawl before we walk and walk before we run."

      That's almost the exact opposite of what you want to say. You want to get straight to the point.
      In an old weight loss ad written by Joe Karbo (might have been Suarez, do not remember). The opening line was something like this. (do not remember exactly)

      "If you have a belly. And want to flatten it like a board, fast. Then read this message very carefully"

      See that is straight to the point, and goes straight for the benefit jugular.

      Also the url might be doing more damage than good.
      "http://revolution.kenparkfitness.com/sq/6398-discipline-dedication-perseverence"
      "discipline-dedication-perseverence" is not what you want to be selling.
      Come up with a cool name for your method. And have the words "lose weight" or "slim down" or something along those lines in the name of the method.
      Similar to Montello ads about the "Fat Burning Furnace."

      your bullets are pretty weak.

      and your call to action is confusing and also weak.
      "Just use your valid email as you password - then click the "Get Instant Access" button to enter (Use the same password when returning. All information kept 100% confidential). Click play and allow the video a few seconds to load, as it has a longer video on it."

      as your password? use same password? What password? click play on what? the video in the corner? longer video? What? Where?

      Also it is weird to put a sentence about password and returning. And confidentiality in the same ( ).

      and your p.s. is absolutely horrible (and terribly confusing), and probably not even needed here.
      I'd just lose it all together for now at least.
      Hello ASCW,

      thanks man, for your feedback. It's nice to hear things I never thought of!

      Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Ken, are you referring to 1% of landing page visitors signing up to your list?

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author erniev42
      Ken, If page layout and graphic design is not your thing, that is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. There are millions of squeeze page templates that are there for the downloading. I would choose a simple design that is straight to the point. And for sure check that traffic, appears to lack some relevancy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mel White
    Ken's got some very good suggestions.

    Now... I'm (in real life) your target market (a woman in the age range you're trying to reach) -- here's what I saw.

    * page didn't load instantly
    * Title "Discipline dedication perseverance" didn't appeal to me (it doesn't suggest it addresses weight.)
    * "Half Of You In Half Of The Time For Free" doesn't make sense in English. It sounds like you're suggesting chopping me in half.
    * As Ken said, "lubber" and "muffin top" aren't good words to use (and we have weight problems in OTHER areas... heavy hips, etc.)
    * the video won't work for me. It shows you (kind of scruffy) in your kitchen. No offense, but you're not a woman and you're not in my age cohort. Many of us who have lost or are trying to lose weight (I have lost 40 lbs on Nutrisystem) are very tired of men and women who have NO weight problems telling us how to lose weight. It's VERY easy for a 20-something with a higher metabolism to lose weight. It's very HARD for a 49 year old office worker hitting menopause to lose weight.
    * Guy in kitchen doesn't imply weight loss or weight loss success. You, nicely dressed, with your mom at a nice restaurant setting does a lot more for the idea of "look nice"... and yeah, even "taking mom out to dinner to celebrate her weight loss" would work better. Better still would be to have your mom do the video or introduce it. And please -- if you're trying to appeal to us and are NOT using your mom, use a model who's in the upper age range of the market you're trying to target. No young chicks. After having "cute skinny young woman" thrown in our faces on every weight loss site, we're darn tired of it.
    * Even after a 40 lb loss, my body (at my age) isn't ready for a bikini and at my age the idea of wandering around in a bikini is NOT appealing (the mental picture I have is of my real face with some wrinkles and a sagging chin and cellulite ... but thin... in a bikini. All the tabloids publish photos of movie and tv star women in bikinis with their cellulite and wrinkles showing -- AND MAKE FUN OF THEM. Don't tell me about bikinis. Tell me about smaller size clothing instead. Wardrobe makeover and wearing fun clothes again instead of the wide sizes.
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    • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
      Originally Posted by Mel White View Post

      Ken's got some very good suggestions.

      Now... I'm (in real life) your target market (a woman in the age range you're trying to reach) -- here's what I saw.

      * page didn't load instantly
      * Title "Discipline dedication perseverance" didn't appeal to me (it doesn't suggest it addresses weight.)
      * "Half Of You In Half Of The Time For Free" doesn't make sense in English. It sounds like you're suggesting chopping me in half.
      * As Ken said, "lubber" and "muffin top" aren't good words to use (and we have weight problems in OTHER areas... heavy hips, etc.)
      * the video won't work for me. It shows you (kind of scruffy) in your kitchen. No offense, but you're not a woman and you're not in my age cohort. Many of us who have lost or are trying to lose weight (I have lost 40 lbs on Nutrisystem) are very tired of men and women who have NO weight problems telling us how to lose weight. It's VERY easy for a 20-something with a higher metabolism to lose weight. It's very HARD for a 49 year old office worker hitting menopause to lose weight.
      * Guy in kitchen doesn't imply weight loss or weight loss success. You, nicely dressed, with your mom at a nice restaurant setting does a lot more for the idea of "look nice"... and yeah, even "taking mom out to dinner to celebrate her weight loss" would work better. Better still would be to have your mom do the video or introduce it. And please -- if you're trying to appeal to us and are NOT using your mom, use a model who's in the upper age range of the market you're trying to target. No young chicks. After having "cute skinny young woman" thrown in our faces on every weight loss site, we're darn tired of it.
      * Even after a 40 lb loss, my body (at my age) isn't ready for a bikini and at my age the idea of wandering around in a bikini is NOT appealing (the mental picture I have is of my real face with some wrinkles and a sagging chin and cellulite ... but thin... in a bikini. All the tabloids publish photos of movie and tv star women in bikinis with their cellulite and wrinkles showing -- AND MAKE FUN OF THEM. Don't tell me about bikinis. Tell me about smaller size clothing instead. Wardrobe makeover and wearing fun clothes again instead of the wide sizes.
      Hi Mel (if I may call you that),

      it's great to get input from you. I am stoked to know how my market actually feels when they see my squeeze page.

      Definitely, I'll definitely address the issues you suggested.

      Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author happykate
    Hi Ken,

    I am not a copy writer but I am a 31 yr old woman who could be in your target market

    I would just agree with a couple of points from above:

    1. Very few women want to lose 'half of them'.....many want to lose half a stone, 10lb, 20lb. And those that do have a great deal of weight to lose are unlikely to believe they can do it via a 4 week series.
    2. When I read about losing lumps of lubber and muffin tops, it reminds me how I hate those bits of my body and doesn't put me in a good frame of mind - which would make me less likely to buy. (Again this is just me personally, but I work with many woman and think they would be similar) I would prefer to be 'made' to think of what I could look like.

    Like Mel though, it would bve good to see someone realistic - no 19 year old skinnies!!

    I think the last 2 paragraphs could be simpler.

    I like the description of the 4 weeks.

    Good luck Would be interested to hear what changes your conversions.

    Kate.
    Signature

    Kate Irwin

    I'm hosting a free webinar on 19th October - creating changes easily and confidently. If you have ever felt stuck or overwhelmed, this is for you! Register at http://www.improvedconfidence.com/th...eating-change/ to attend or get a recording.

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    • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
      Originally Posted by happykate View Post

      Hi Ken,

      I am not a copy writer but I am a 31 yr old woman who could be in your target market

      Kate.
      Hi Kate,

      thank you for your feedback. We will keep you posted! :-)

      Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Ken,

    I haven't done a TON of work in this niche... but the last squeeze page I did converted at about 65% for a client.

    Given your page, I would expect 10 - 15% of people to sign up - though that could be way off.

    I'm not saying your copy doesn't need a lot of work - it does.

    But what I'm saying is fixing the copy is not going to be a magical cure for your poor conversion rates. It's only one part of the solution.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi ken

      A pro copywriter who really knows his/her stuff...

      and has your best interests at heart

      will tell you the copy is 3rd in importance of your success.

      Audience first

      Offer second

      and copy third.

      As Daniel pointed out, looking at your source of traffic and what it
      is you are using to attract them to your sign up page is the first
      place to look at.

      Squeeze page can certainly be improved upon.

      Until an outsider gets under the hood of your engine,
      he/she has little to go on.

      Only broad pointers.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Hi ken

        A pro copywriter who really knows his/her stuff...

        and has your best interests at heart

        will tell you the copy is 3rd in importance of your success.

        Audience first

        Offer second

        and copy third.

        As Daniel pointed out, looking at your source of traffic and what it
        is you are using to attract them to your sign up page is the first
        place to look at.

        Squeeze page can certainly be improved upon.

        Until an outsider gets under the hood of your engine,
        he/she has little to go on.

        Only broad pointers.

        Best,
        Ewen
        I agree that nothing happens until someone reads the Damn squeeze page. I definitely think I have issues driving traffics to the squeeze page. I know there are tons of information on traffic generations on this forum. May I ask you for any particular suggestion if you got any? Thanks again.

        Ken
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    • Profile picture of the author kyungsam3
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Ken,

      I haven't done a TON of work in this niche... but the last squeeze page I did converted at about 65% for a client.

      Given your page, I would expect 10 - 15% of people to sign up - though that could be way off.

      I'm not saying your copy doesn't need a lot of work - it does.

      But what I'm saying is fixing the copy is not going to be a magical cure for your poor conversion rates. It's only one part of the solution.

      -Daniel
      I'm definitely listening to what you are saying. Currently I was testing it very small with using Microsoft Advertising PPC and Facebook PPC. Do you suggest any alternatives/ recommendations?

      Much appreciated.

      Ken
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by kyungsam3 View Post

        I'm definitely listening to what you are saying. Currently I was testing it very small with using Microsoft Advertising PPC and Facebook PPC. Do you suggest any alternatives/ recommendations?

        Much appreciated.

        Ken
        I'm not a traffic expert... I'm a copywritng expert...

        So I may not be the best person to answer this particular question.

        But if I were you... I'd take another look at your keywords... make sure they're buying keywords... and make sure the ad is matched to your offer.

        There's a disconnect somewhere, I think. Can't be sure without looking under the hood... but that's my professional opinion based on the info I have.

        -Daniel
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Ken it's time to go back to basics here.

          You haven't described a reachable market.

          28+ year old women isn't a market...they are a mass of people.

          Your website isn't attractive to women because you talk
          about a guy losing weight and you use foul language.

          An example of a reachable market is women who want to lose their baby weight.

          A searchable term for those women is easily reached through seo.

          They have their own discussion forums.

          Adwords shows they are looking for help.

          Now you have found a market in need and reachable,
          you have to study them and find out what the real reason
          why they want to lose their baby weight.

          Dig very, very deep to find out the language they use
          to describe their frustrations and reasons why they want to shed their weight.

          Now you have the right message to match them.

          Now you can get your message in front of them.

          That's how one should approach the whole thing.

          I used mothers who want to lose their baby weight as an example.

          You have to find your ready made market.

          As you can see, it's not about some fancy wordsmith
          coming along and pen magic phrases to capture hearts.

          It's about the research.

          Deep research that goes way beyond what most are prepared to do.

          An example of deep research for selling shoes.

          Did you know there are 1400 nerve endings in the bottom of your feet?

          Each one is connected to internal organs.

          By activating those nerve endings in your feet,
          Chinese doctors have found that you can rid your body of many diseases.

          Therefore, having the right shoes is extremely important.

          And science and technology have found a way to bring these 1400 nerve endings alive.

          This in turn activates your internal organs into a state of peak performance.

          This new discovery has been used to make a shoe that heals the body
          while you carry out your daily routine
          End

          See how research can turn shoes into a functional health product
          where it wasn't before?

          That's the best I can help you for now.

          Best,
          Ewen
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          • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
            Damn you Ewen. You stole my thunder.

            But you're right. THINK MUMS.
            Signature

            Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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            • Profile picture of the author TigerRaging
              thanks for all the free value in this thread from the experienced copy writers
              Signature

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            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer View Post

              Damn you Ewen. You stole my thunder.

              But you're right. THINK MUMS.
              Too late matey, I own the domain!

              Best,
              Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author lotsofsnow
    I do not see a sign-up form on that page...
    Did you remove that in the mean time?
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    Call Center Fuel - High Volume Data
    Delivering the highest quality leads in virtually all consumer verticals.

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