Critique needed (Need expert advice)

The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Detangled

Do you think there is something wrong with the copy?

Could be dude, could be. You serious? It's a crock. "From the comfort of your own home".

Thanks
3 replies

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

A dead duck. The most boringgg introduction imaginable. More exciting watching paint dry.

F*** me man. If I see one more of these pieces of crap I swear I'm going to slit my wrists.

Where's the bloody story?

Where's the friggin' excitement?

Where's the fire behind this piece?

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

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1 reply

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Detangled

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

A dead duck. The most boringgg introduction imaginable. More exciting watching paint dry.

F*** me man. If I see one more of these pieces of crap I swear I'm going to slit my wrists.

Where's the bloody story?

Where's the friggin' excitement?

Where's the fire behind this piece?

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

Show me something that's good then plz.

Thanks
1 reply

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Mark Andrews Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Detangled

Show me something that's good then plz.

$75 per hour and I'm all yours.

Mark Andrews
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NickN

13 years ago

Luckily I dug around the internet and after NIGHTS AND NIGHTS of research I finally found out that it really IS possible to make money online, and from the comfort of your own home!

That's creepy, man. Make money in YOUR home, and stay out of mine.

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1 reply

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Detangled 13 years ago

Originally Posted by NickN

That's creepy, man. Make money in YOUR home, and stay out of mine.

Of course it's creepy, no one ever stays up late to do research. :rolleyes:
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Detangled 13 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Could be dude, could be. You serious? It's a crock. "From the comfort of your own home".

Most people doing IM are working from home, so it's not really false.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Pusateri 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Detangled
  
  Most people doing IM are working from home, so it's not really false.
  
  You missed his point. That phrase is worn out like an old whore's banksides. Find a new, interesting, and most of all, relevant way to say the same thing. "from the comfort of your own home" is so trite it no longer creates a mental image for the reader.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  videolover7 13 years ago
  
  Danny,
  
  In the hyper-competitive marketplace we live in, differentiation is an absolute must. If there's nothing unique about you or your product, your promotion will be lost in an ocean of sameness.
  
  Unfortunately, your headline doesn't communicate any differentiation. People who read it have seen the same pitch time and time again.
  
  VL
  
  Thanks
  
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Detangled

13 years ago

LOL. Thanks, keep em coming. Back to the drawing board I guess.

Thanks

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Detangled

13 years ago

Damnit, I guess I should have used multi-quote lol.

Thanks

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schttrj

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Detangled

Ok I drove about a couple thousand of unique visitors (altho untargeted) to my squeeze page but so far the signups have been very minimal.

Do you think there is something wrong with the copy? Thanks.

www.listhabit.com

Okay, others here have not really been easy with your copy :p

Well they were not really wrong. Still, I will try to point out a few things myself.

Money making niche is extremely competitive.
Your copy is too salesy and too rehashed, not original at all!
Poor web design.
Poor English.

If you want to create a outstanding sales copy in "that" niche, you got to stand out!

- Ron.

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1 reply

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The Copy Nazi Banned 13 years ago
Originally Posted by schttrj

Poor English.

If you want to create a outstanding sales copy in "that" niche, you got to stand out!

- Ron.
Hilarious. "Poor English". I shake my head.
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- 1 reply
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- Detangled 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi
  
  Hilarious. "Poor English". I shake my head.
  
  No **** hey? I'm actually proud of my English! I'm probably the most WHITEWASHED asian ever.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  The Copy Nazi Banned 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Detangled
  
  No **** hey? I'm actually proud of my English! I'm probably the most WHITEWASHED asian ever.
  
  You're not getting it. Again. I'm not talking about your English.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Detangled 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi
  
  You're not getting it. Again. I'm not talking about your English.
  
  Actually, I AM getting it. You're not getting it. I was agreeing with you! Then stating how I was proud of my English. Jebus.
  
  Thanks
  
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OliviaHoang

13 years ago

I agree with the above poster that your sales page lacks uniqueness, which makes it REALLY hard for you to compete in the ultra competitive Make Money niche.

When your market is this saturated and they've heard all the claims before, you can take the approach of IDENTIFICATION with your audience.

In order to do this, do a lot of customer research to find out the hot buttons you need to hit. Then hit the bull's eye in your headline.

If you need more help with creating headlines, you can check out my blog. I have a post on just that.

HTH :-)

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RickDuris 13 years ago

Hi Detangled,

Here's the lesson: To test, use targeted traffic. Even if it has to be cold, paid traffic.

Currently, I'm working helping a Client improve the conversion rate of their software offer. Previously they were driving cold, untargeted traffic. Didn't get one signup in months.

I got the project, and I had them shut that traffic down and start driving targeted, cold, paid traffic. Suddenly EVERY visit who hit the page signed up. Didn't change anything else.

Start driving targeted, cold traffic next. Then come back here and post the results.

- Rick Duris

PS: Also, set up split testing software, the second you start collecting optins.
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Detangled

13 years ago

Thanks for the input everyone! It's been a lesson for me. FREE too =P

Just picked up, THE ULTIMATE SALES LETTER and Ca$hvertising.

After I'm done reading.. I'll implement its methods along with all your suggestions. It should work wonders.

I got about 30 signups today so I guess 'improving' my copy should at least TRIPLE it since its SO BAD lofl. (what do you expect ****ers? first squeeze page i've ever written).

Anyways, thanks again people. Loving WF, and loving life.

Thanks

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Azarna

13 years ago

Another anoymous person promising me the secret to getting rich quick in return for my email address *yawn*

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