Critique please

Hi guys, I'm not a copy writer but am a persuasion trainer and so have added some persuasion stuff to this script. This is the sales script for a sales video. I'd really appreciate any guidance, assistance or help anyone can offer that will help.

I have personal views on where this needs work, but will keep them out of here so that you can have more of an objective look at the thing:

--- Sales Video Script --- (Price point $1497-$1997)

Hi there, this is Kennedy and congratulations you made it.

Today is the day that you can register for the class that i'm holding on how to master ethically persuading other people, and defend yourself against anyone who might try be trying to manipulate you.

If you're watching this it's because you were able to get access to the webinar series that we did about psychological selling strategies, and throughout the series you have seen how these techniques can quickly improve your sales. Because let's face it - they're nowhere near where they should be.

So going in to this you should have a sense of why you personally want to possess these skills, and you can imagine how they are going to impact your life when you start applying them.

Let me briefly tell you how I got started in all of this, because there are some really interesting lessons you can take and use.

This is a photograph of me, I must have been 9 years old. And it was at this age that I stumbled across something that would change the rest of my life.

You see I was at school, just a normal public school. My parents couldn't afford to give me private schooling or anything like that, and in fact they had really normal jobs. My dad was a garage laborer, and my mum a secretary for a small local business. So we didn't have a great deal of money.

Well when I was at school I didn't have all the trendy clothes, or the walkman or any of that stuff, and because of that I could so easily have been bullied or picked on.

But I wasn't. I somehow managed to get along with everyone. I somehow learned to hang out with the quiet, studious kids, whilst keeping the big guys on my side. Which is useful is any trouble ever started, they'd step in and say "hey, Kennedy's cool leave him out of this".

As I grew older and went to high-school I did something I'm not so proud of. I started my own business. For a 14 year-old I had very adult-looking handwriting so, and I'm not proud of how dishonest this was back then, but I used to get paid by the other kids to write them excuse notes.

50p to get out of sports, and a pound for an absence letter.

Well, word gets around and soon the teachers cottoned on to what I was doing, and put a stop to it. However I still had the respect and friendship of a lot of the school.

In addition to that, I'd learned how to make friends with many types of people, how to have influence over them so that they will stand up for me, and then how to get people to pay you for what they what. And yes, that dishonesty doesn't pay.

I take life's lessons really hard and use all of these skills right up to this day. You do succeed more quickly if you're able to get people to like you, you're able to make more money if you know how to communicate what you've got that's of value...and that you'll keep doing it for a lot longer if you're just honest about it.

If you have ever wondered why some people around you seem to be closing more sales and making more money than you - even though you're trying hard then you might be getting frustrated because SURELY you should be getting much better results by now?

Look, be honest with me, in fact I can't even see you so be honest with "you" - or have you been faking it till you make it so long that you're starting to fool yourself? It's time to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.

As you watch this entire video I want you to forget about what the people around you are might be thinking about you, what your friends and family, even think about your financial situation, and let's just talk about you for a minute.

Listen, I'm not going to suggest that when you've completed the program you'll be paying for your dream house in cash, I'm not saying you'll be able to spend double the hours you're currently spending with your family, and it would be ridiculous for me to say that you'll be closing every single sale. But can you imagine if it did? Ha!

Sometimes it's hard to remember that all those people who look like they're just 'naturals' at getting what they want, all learned somewhere. Whether that was from the school of hard-knocks, a training program or just their upbringing.

I've got a question for you; when was it you first began to get so interested in mastering persuasion skills as the thing that will ultimately get you ahead?

Maybe like me, it was something you've been interested in for a long time and like many of my students, you've already studied a lot of material already?

Or are you one of the types of people who likes to jump to the front of the cue, rather than having to 'work your way up' you want to start with advanced master skills - leaving all the other basic stuff behind for everyone else to fight over?

Before I show you how, let me tell you that you're in good company. You're on the podium alongside some great business people who also decided to get this information, including Mercedes Benz and the members of Mensa.

The reason my Persuasion Masters program has become one of the most celebrated psychological selling programs around is because not only is it broken down in to 8 digestible modules that you can study and re-visit at your own pace, but because the techniques you're learning on the program are so easy to start using straight away.

We are now re-opening doors for a new class for Persuasion Masters.

If you decide you want to join us, you'll receive a brand new Persuasion Masters video lesson each week. These lessons are crammed with cutting edge information so that I can download my entire mental warehouse in to your mind inside of just 8 weeks.

Hey, I could have strung this out with loads of filler information, but if you're anything like me, time is precious and you want to be using this stuff right away, right?

During the program we'll have 2 live Access All Areas Q&A calls where you can ask your questions and get clarification on everything that you're learning.

If you do enroll in the program today, and so long as there are some places left, you'll be able to plug yourself straight in to our previous program and get using that information, even before we start this new class.

I guarantee that Persuasion Masters is far more advanced and systematic in teaching you the complete persuasive process in a way that gets you results.

Since results are the only thing that matter, we are only opening up 40 spaces for the program. This means that I can personally deal with every question on our Q&A calls together.

If you would like to claim one of the 40 places in the new Persuasion Masters 3.0 class, and have access to the 2.0 program right now, please click the button below this video.

Due to the level of personal attention that I like to give every student, I do have to be strict on limiting it to 40 of you. The class sells out every time I re-open doors, so if you do want one of the places please reserve it now as I will be unable to give any 'back door' access later.

By the way, I want you to make sure this is a good decision for you and to be certain that you want to close more sales (and even make more influential friends) by mastering your ability to influence other people.

I understand that some people genuinely like to learn the 'old fashioned way' by trial and error themselves, because that's the way they were raised, and could I respectfully ask that those people please leave the spot open for those of you who prefer to take the accelerated route.