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Sales Copy Review: Please Grill My A**!!

by goindeep
22 replies
Hi folks,

I have a thread in the warriors for hire area and I was wondering if I could get some constructive criticism on the sales copy.

Here it is:
http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...guarantee.html

I know it's not the best, I have changed the fonts, headlines and many things since first writing it.

I have read and used Chris Ramsey's checklist thread here: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

Thank you Chris. I took what I could and made as many changes as possible.

Any advice, feedback, criticism is very much appreciated guys.

Thank you.

-Andrei
#copy #grill #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesTechnician
    Hi Andrei.

    I would suggest working on your hook.

    Before you say "REVEALED: How funny content is used by the worlds most successful and powerful people to make lots of money."

    Im more interested In why the heck funny stuff sales in the first place.

    Your headline just doesnt seem interesting to me, and neither does your opening.

    You say funny stuff sales but does it really?

    Instead of giving away WHAT you are selling in your headline and your opening..

    How about starting OFF with something I can understand and then surprise me.

    First lets talk about something everyone in your market can identify with THEN we will get to the funny stuff.

    First lets talk about sales..

    What can you do for my sales that nothing else can? Because my sales are horrible and they suck!

    Dont tell me your secret (which is making people laugh) just yet... Make a bold promise first and make me CURIOUS..

    Then as I read.. tell me a story and make me LAUGH MY *** Off!

    Then after I read a little while reward me with the first part of the secret which is...

    Creating copy that people actually READ...

    Then the big secret...

    Creating copy that makes them LAUGH..

    Then ask the reader this question...

    You dont think my product works? Well are you laughing?

    Then CONCLUDE with your product!

    Surprise!

    First Identify with your market and make them curious then... Deliver proof that your product works - Establish credibility - conclude with your product.

    Do this and I promise you will sell the MESS out of your service!!!

    Success!
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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      Thank you.

      Reading your reply thoroughly now.

      Anyone have any other suggestions?
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      • Profile picture of the author goindeep
        OK got it, but doesnt the title of the thread and my sig give it all away anyway? Or does that mean I need to change those too?

        Originally I had something quite simple which just said "hey listen I write funny content if you want something funny written hire me". That worked well, however I am now trying to capture a larger market and hence went with the "Funny increases eyeballs and eyeballs increase sales".

        Seems like I need to do a hell of a lot more tweaking.
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        • Profile picture of the author TheSalesTechnician
          Originally Posted by Andrei Rotariu View Post

          OK got it, but doesnt the title of the thread and my sig give it all away anyway? Or does that mean I need to change those too?

          Originally I had something quite simple which just said "hey listen I write funny content if you want something funny written hire me". That worked well, however I am now trying to capture a larger market and hence went with the "Funny increases eyeballs and eyeballs increase sales".

          Seems like I need to do a hell of a lot more tweaking.
          Yes this is quite a huge jump from how you are doing things now but just think about it.

          If you want to position yourself as a funny expert go to the comedian forums..

          If you want to position yourself as a SALES expert do that... THEN move on to being funny and how that can produce more sales.

          Just think about how it would effect your sales if first they EXPERIENCE your product before they even buy it!

          It would be a huge surprise to realize that while they have been laughing this whole time THAT was the result of your product!

          They would already be sold BEFORE they even bought or knew what your product was!

          Im not saying this will be easy to pull of at first. Yes, it will require some big changes, and Im sure even lots of tweaking after you make those changes, but it would be worth it.

          PS you can always just stick with what you have and tweak that. Im sure many of the pros here can help you with that (feel free to jump in guys)...

          But I personally believe this new hook would work much better.

          Granted It would be a heck of a lot more work but the results would be awesome.

          But no matter what I or anyone else says the proof is in the testing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Matt Ausin
    Thing is...

    If your angle is "funny content" - why oh why are you selling it using a sales letter that is NOT funny at all? It's boring to be honest.

    After reading your salesletter... I don't believe you can write funny. (And this is no way a reflection on your actual skills. I'm sure you can, it's just that the sales letter doesn't give me that impression.) "I'm so stupid" and "zombie" shticks jump out and feel pressed.

    That's not what you want your prospects to feel.

    If you want them to believe you can write funny... you have to do it. Yes, on your sales page.

    And yes. It's hard. (that's what she said. BADUM-TSSSS!)

    Now...

    Take that unique skill you have (to write funny stuff) and use it! Like REALLY use it! Don't HOLD BACK - even a little! Let it rip! I believe that's what TheSalesTechnician is saying too.
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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      Originally Posted by Matt Ausin View Post

      Thing is...

      If your angle is "funny content" - why oh why are you selling it using a sales letter that is NOT funny at all? It's boring to be honest.

      After reading your salesletter... I don't believe you can write funny. (And this is no way a reflection on your actual skills. I'm sure you can, it's just that the sales letter doesn't give me that impression.) "I'm so stupid" and "zombie" shticks jump out and feel pressed.

      That's not what you want your prospects to feel.

      If you want them to believe you can write funny... you have to do it. Yes, on your sales page.

      And yes. It's hard. (that's what she said. BADUM-TSSSS!)

      Now...

      Take that unique skill you have (to write funny stuff) and use it! Like REALLY use it! Don't HOLD BACK - even a little! Let it rip! I believe that's what TheSalesTechnician is saying too.
      Yeah cool, I see what you are saying.

      When I said I tweaked it a bit I meant a lot.

      The original stuff I had was about 75% different to what it is now.

      I actually got applauded for the first copy by 1 or 2 people in the beginning.

      OK, got it. I think i'll switch back to a funnier style of copy at least in the first 20% - 30% area.
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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      Originally Posted by Matt Ausin View Post

      Thing is...

      If your angle is "funny content" - why oh why are you selling it using a sales letter that is NOT funny at all? It's boring to be honest.

      After reading your salesletter... I don't believe you can write funny. (And this is no way a reflection on your actual skills. I'm sure you can, it's just that the sales letter doesn't give me that impression.) "I'm so stupid" and "zombie" shticks jump out and feel pressed.

      That's not what you want your prospects to feel.

      If you want them to believe you can write funny... you have to do it. Yes, on your sales page.

      And yes. It's hard. (that's what she said. BADUM-TSSSS!)

      Now...

      Take that unique skill you have (to write funny stuff) and use it! Like REALLY use it! Don't HOLD BACK - even a little! Let it rip! I believe that's what TheSalesTechnician is saying too.
      Wow! I cant believe I missed your reply...

      Yeah look humor and entertainment are tough niches. It's not for everyone to get into, you need thick skin. Fortunately for me Ive worked in roles such as customer service, security, tele sales, bouncer etc. So any critique like yours just goes over my head. The punches and bottles usually hurt the most.

      People have different senses of humor.

      My dad for example loves comedy greats like Chaplin and Monty Python.

      I however am more of a fan of Homer Simpson getting beaten up by a cartoon version of Mike Tyson and then collapsing into a coma. I also like all the Mother F'ing that comes with Black Comedians. I love it!

      The fact is that my customers love my service. I know this.

      The other fact is that I write for people not search engines.

      Unfortunately for all those people that dont yet seem to understand that Google doesn't buy their products but customers do, there will come a time where writing for search engine's will become the niche and writing entertaining content will become the norm.

      -Andrei
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesTechnician
    After looking over Chris Ramsey's checklist thread I think #4 suites this well.

    "Don't ever sell a product - sell a solution to a problem"

    And what better way to sell a solution than... to allow the solution to sell itself throughout your copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author JamieCW777
    Your first line contains the word "worlds". This needs a possessive apostrophe! If I was hiring a copywriter for any reason, I would be concerned if their punctuation was incorrect. It might seem like I'm being picky, but there are loads of copywriters out there and one mistake can cost you a good writing gig.
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    Engaging, exciting and unique copy at Lime Copywriting

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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    The first one has been at IM for several months, and he is now DESPERATE, can't afford a cold brew, so he eats the free peanuts on the bar.

    The second one asks the bartender if he has a WSO going on? Has the money for a special offer, but not enough for a cold brew.

    Third one, a copywriter, scribbles a note on the back of a napkin...hands it to the bartender who laughs out loud and pours 3 chilled brewskies On the House.

    What did the napkin say?

    Before I tell you, it is important you understand how humor and being FUNNY can help you to become a master persuader.

    Did you know these following websites, all funny and with great humor are making their owners rich...while laughing all the way to the bank...

    Cracked.com
    etc. com
    et al.com
    et al .com

    and so on.

    gjabiz
    Originally Posted by Andrei Rotariu View Post

    Hi folks,

    I have a thread in the warriors for hire area and I was wondering if I could get some constructive criticism on the sales copy.

    Here it is:
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...guarantee.html

    I know it's not the best, I have changed the fonts, headlines and many things since first writing it.

    I have read and used Chris Ramsey's checklist thread here: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

    Thank you Chris. I took what I could and made as many changes as possible.

    Any advice, feedback, criticism is very much appreciated guys.

    Thank you.

    -Andrei
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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      Yeah I see what you are saying...

      I'm taking my time.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
        Hi Andrei,

        You might well have found a good but select writing "niche"

        A lot of sites need lightening up - and readers do need to be entertained - not bored senseless.

        I get the "pitch" - humor makes you feel good, makes people like you...

        So far so good.

        But...if you use humor...

        Will it actually sell anything?

        You've got to explain in much more detail why it does.

        Do this and you may well persuade a lot of people to buy.

        Make sure they'll be laughing all the way to the bank.


        Steve
        Signature
        http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    what gjabiz wrote is great. Take his advice.

    The problem with 'funny content' is that it's a very small niche. People on here hire writers mostly for cheap high quality content they can use to make google happy and rank keywords. So what is it exactly you are trying to do with your writing services to solve a problem?

    You're prices are too high to fit the first need (cheap quality writing to rank keywords) and it's too low to be considered quality humor sales copy. After all isn't that what your basically pushing? Humor content that sells? Problem with that is I don't think anyone wants sales content based on humor (unless your product isn't on the serious side). Humor is subjective and your style of humor could alienate people. Anyone trying to sell something doesn't want that.

    So basically your left with a small niche market of people who buy from you to create blog posts or articles like cracked. I think you need to stick with that niche.

    The whole humor sells approach doesn't work very well when you yourself are struggling to sell your own content. I think you need to change your approach. Target humor site owners looking for quality content and start writing for them and lock down that niche. What your doing right now isn't appealing to anyone who takes their sales copy seriously.
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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      What the?

      Firstly, its not sales copy I'm selling. Its content.

      Secondly, I know it's a small niche, that's the whole reason I got into it.

      My prices are not high, they are reasonable.

      I am not struggling to get sales. Don't assume.

      Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

      what gjabiz wrote is great. Take his advice.

      The problem with 'funny content' is that it's a very small niche. People on here hire writers mostly for cheap high quality content they can use to make google happy and rank keywords. So what is it exactly you are trying to do with your writing services to solve a problem?

      You're prices are too high to fit the first need (cheap quality writing to rank keywords) and it's too low to be considered quality humor sales copy. After all isn't that what your basically pushing? Humor content that sells? Problem with that is I don't think anyone wants sales content based on humor (unless your product isn't on the serious side). Humor is subjective and your style of humor could alienate people. Anyone trying to sell something doesn't want that.

      So basically your left with a small niche market of people who buy from you to create blog posts or articles like cracked. I think you need to stick with that niche.

      The whole humor sells approach doesn't work very well when you yourself are struggling to sell your own content. I think you need to change your approach. Target humor site owners looking for quality content and start writing for them and lock down that niche. What your doing right now isn't appealing to anyone who takes their sales copy seriously.
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      • Profile picture of the author goindeep
        Thanks copyassasin & steve, good points.
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      • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
        Originally Posted by Andrei Rotariu View Post

        What the?

        Firstly, its not sales copy I'm selling. Its content.

        Secondly, I know it's a small niche, that's the whole reason I got into it.

        My prices are not high, they are reasonable.

        I am not struggling to get sales. Don't assume.

        Ah ok, I didn't see your updated thread. I remember coming across it a while back and I think you were pushing the whole "humor sells" approach back then. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    Andrei,

    This is a very interesting concept.

    I have an idea I think you can use. And make money from.

    Ready?

    (I'm assuming you said yes)

    WHAT does EVERY speech start with at a sales event start?

    With a joke, right?

    To lightening the mood.

    And if copywriting is salesmanship in print, then a joke should work, right.

    (BTW, I have no clue if that is true)

    But, leverage that concept.

    And how you can increase your value is clearing stating that a humor at the RIGHT PLACE at THE RIGHT TIME will increase sales.

    Conversely, if you screw it up, you'll lower conversion.

    And you know just how to do it. Thread the needle.

    Good luck and please update this thread with how your changes improve your conversions.

    Adam
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    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      Great point Adam - "right place at the right time" nailed it.

      And if it turns out nobody wants "humor" in copy - then all Andrei has to do is become a speech writer.

      I've seen Ads running for decades selling "speech writing" services - bet it's a very lucrative market.


      Steve
      Signature
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        I just thought of a funny WSO headline and deck.


        "Finally! A WSO Your Wife Won't
        Be Pissed At You For Buying!"

        Dear Frustrated Warrior,

        Have you finally had enough of your wife saying, "Why did you buy another WSO you'll never read, let alone actually implement. Heck, buy a lotto ticket. At least you have a REAL chance of making money there".

        Because if you are truly at sick & ticked of wasting your money on WSOs collecting cyber dust (and probably recycled PLR bulls#i! anyway), we have solution for you.

        In fact, after quickly and easily implementing "X" your wife will be so proud to finally say to her friends, "Adam actually took me out to a fancy dinner from the profits of this weird online business he has"
        Signature

        The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Warriors
    The offer just seems like a little bit gimmicky to be honest.

    Yeah, humor works.

    But the thing is, it's a fairly "secondary" benefit.

    People can understand the value in high converting sales copy that's funny. People can see the value in informative articles that are funny. People can see the value in brand-building advertisements that are funny.

    But just funny content, alone?

    It just kind of seems like a generic content service that you're marketing with a schtick.

    My advice would be to re-write it to convey some primarily benefit other than humor, and use the humor as a supplementary selling point.

    That, I think, could be very effective.
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  • Profile picture of the author 1robert
    The Onion news network is an awesome show, and if you're trying to create that type of humor for your customer, than I would try a headline like...

    Need a script for your youtube video that'll attract thousands of views?


    I just think humor is something that people would rather see than read, so if you can create scripts for people's youtube videos, than you'll probably have an easier time getting customers.

    The service you're selling is cool, but I think you should think of all the ways you can help people get more traffic or page views instead of focusing on how humor can get more sales etc.
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