Sales Copy needs work?

I'm only at the beginning of my copywriting training but here are my reactions to your letter.

"mechanics" is off-putting somehow. The Master part of the headline draws me in though.

You definitely lose me after the sub-heading of "is this program right for you". I was expecting something about me and you go back to talking about you. Maybe a bulleted list instead of burying those benefits in a paragraph like that?

Considering your market you might want to make the privacy assured statement larger and more fleshed out. I know you start out your letter assuming they have been trying some of these other programs, but you might get prospects that are even closer to newbies and will be reluctant to provide their email address.

The once inside you'll learn section has the same pitfall. Why do I care if I can learn this stuff? Even if I've been taking these other classes am I going to remember why this jargon is a good thing for me, if I understood it in the first place? Maybe if you just added a so you can or a because to each of these?

Simplify "renew upon your anniversary"

Words mixed up in the offer right before your signature

Overall, there seems to be an awful lot about you and not much about me. You tell a great story about why this product is happening, but I can happily enough read the story and pass over the offer.

Again, I'm saying this from reading only and not from experience, but it seems you need to connect to the pain better. Also, you might benefit from mentioning the costs of some of the advanced technique courses as a lead in to your cost being a basic intro and also a continuing supplement to taking those classes.

It's a little hard to tell which of those you're really aiming for, although I'm leaning towards believing its the latter. In which case maybe during your story instead of saying - these are the types of questions I was hearing - you could ask as a sub-heading - Do you ever think this when you're listening to a class? Engage the prospect's mind.

Just some ideas,
Beth

Great points!
Thank you for looking it over I do appreciate your response.

I think you are right that it doesn't touch on the "pain" factor enough, feels like it may be lacking the umph to make that click in the prospects mind that "This is going to solve my problems and help me succeed where I was failing before"

As far as headline maybe I need to better state the benifit as in:
"Stop Failing at making money, everyone tells you why and we will show you how to make it all work"

^not great but a switch like that may help...

Hey Blaine,

first of all, the headline could be better.
something like... Finally, Your Very Own Computer Geek On Call 24/7 To Fix Your Computer and Get Your Online Business Back On Track...

Your opening is very vague too. "I want to ask you a question. Have you decided to reach for the goal of having an online business only to become frustrated by figuring out all of the online tools you need to and because of this are spending more time on THAT than building your business?"

Something more like: Is your computer driving you bonkers? Do you feel like throwing it out the window sometimes?

Do any of the following sound familiar?
talk about specific problems..

People who come to your site will most likely have a very specific problem they want to solve... so it's a good idea to get a list of every single video inside and what each video will teach you step by step... no one wants to buy a product and not receive that little thing they wanted to know how to do..

People read pages very quickly and they skim.. your page needs to be readable by skimming give them all the info they want easy to find on the page.. especially the list of videos they'll get inside..

Hi Blaine,

There's a lot that can be tweaked here.

First of all, your headline doesn't give
the reader enough information to make
them want to read further. Master the
computer? What does that have to do
with online business? The link isn't
clear, so you're going to lose people
right there.

Also, your subhead needs rewording.
People are going to wonder what
computer "Mechanics" are - is it the
internal workings of your PC? Or is
it like a mechanic guy who fixes
computers but is somehow holding
you back? Again, this will lose people.

Next up, a lot of your sentences
are way too long. This makes them
tough to read, and people will
usually hit the "back" button instead.

An easy test for sentence length
is to read them aloud - if you can't
get it all out easily in one breath,
chances are you should cut it down.

Overall the layout of the page is
pretty good. If you go through it
and make those changes, you'll
see higher conversions.

Good luck

-David Raybould

Hey I'm not a good writer by any stretch, but when I got to the "It's Not" bullets, my initial thought was It's Not for me. A suggestion reword to tell them what it is, how it will make their lives easier, and simplified.

I'm still working and learning, so please use this as constructive, not negative.

GL
BigO

Your headline is not benefit driven.

If you cannot get that right people won't be staying too long to see what your product is all about.

Tell them HOW they can benefit from using your product to get them interested enough to stay on your page so they will want to find out more.

Make them curious about how your product can help them.

Thank you Everyone for your help! Its great to see that so many people are willing to critique.
...Now I have to sit down and fix some things

~Blaine

Ok everyone, I have a new draft going. Feel free to rip it to shreds because the only way to improve is to get real feedback, even if its rough.


New Sales Letter Draft

I Tried to make it a bit more "you" focused and tried to play of some emotions... hopefully you can feel it.

Any input is always very welcome! Thank you everyone!

PS, the bullets are still very weak, I'm writing those today.

Blaine,
The greatest flaw is no so much the copy, rather THERE'S NO FOLLOW UP.
Testing by Corey Rudle/Derek Gehl indicates that many people don't buy on their first visit. You need a Free e-book or audio, Hover Ad (NOT pop-up!) for opt in and auto responder follow up on days 1, 3,5, 7 & 10. THAT alone will about double to quadruple your sales.

Oh yes - Use the MS Word facility for readability statistics. BETTER: you can download TextStat to keep your writing readable.

Try and take out 'mechanics' and substitute: "The How". See if it reads out loud better.

Hi Blaine,

Your new headline is a tad clunky. But ... your subhead is a goodie! I'd use that as the headline.

If The Hardest Part About Building Your Business is The 'Technical Stuff' You Must Read On!

Chris's headline ... Finally, Your Very Own Computer Geek On Call 24/7 is also very good!