Please critique my sales page

11 years ago

Your basic problem is that your page lacks information. The copy
is far too short. This may work with an in-house list--your
warm market, people who already are exposed to what
you do, but you need to tell a lot more if you are going to
convince cold traffic.

Who are you? Why should I trust you? What has been
the experience of those who used your services? (Testimonials)
What of your portfolio to show off? What will the cost of
a typical SITE. Tell more and you'll sell more.

Also I think that your website should be more "showy" since
that is what you are selling. This page is too simple. Note
that simple is NORMALLY good for a sales page except
when you are selling web design services.

-Ray Edwards

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389338].message }}

TheSalesBooster

11 years ago

Well that's gotta be one of the shortest sales pages I've ever seen asking for $94.

Since this is the first sales page I'm sure everyone will try to have a little mercy on you. Now with that being said...

Are you serious? Do you honestly think this would convince anyone to buy?

This is a stand alone sales page right? This isn't something that you're mailing out to previous customers?

If it is a stand alone... all I gotta say is... COME ON MAN! If you were your target customer, someone looking for web design services, would you buy your offer based on what you have on that website right now?

Ignoring the terrible wording in the sales pitch, you don't even have any past work to show to your potential customers! You're a designer, this is the most important part of the sales pitch for a designer! How are people going to judge whether you are any good or not?

Do you really think it's as easy as what you got up there right now? It's basically saying. "Hey do you even lift? (most of your customers probably won't even get this stupid joke) do you need a website designed? Cool I do website design and even though I don't have anything to show you. It's ok because I have some independence day sale. Can I have $94 now?"

It's terrible. Scrap it and start over.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389356].message }}

Demographically Speaking

11 years ago

Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster

Well that's gotta be one of the shortest sales pages I've ever seen asking for $94.

Since this is the first sales page I'm sure everyone will try to have a little mercy on you. Now with that being said...

Are you serious? Do you honestly think this would convince anyone to buy?

This is a stand alone sales page right? This isn't something that you're mailing out to previous customers?

If it is a stand alone... all I gotta say is... COME ON MAN! If you were your target customer, someone looking for web design services, would you buy your offer based on what you have on that website right now?

Ignoring the terrible wording in the sales pitch, you don't even have any past work to show to your potential customers! You're a designer, this is the most important part of the sales pitch for a designer! How are people going to judge whether you are any good or not?

Do you really think it's as easy as what you got up there right now? It's basically saying. "Hey do you even lift? (most of your customers probably won't even get this stupid joke) do you need a website designed? Cool I do website design and even though I don't have anything to show you. It's ok because I have some independence day sale. Can I have $94 now?"

It's terrible. Scrap it and start over.

Thanks, I appreciate the blunt honesty. I didn't spend long on it as I had to put it up quickly. It was a last-minute idea. I'm not responsible for the design of the page.

A lot to think about, but that should help get me going in a better direction.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389402].message }}

Raydal

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Demographically Speaking

Thanks, I appreciate the blunt honesty. I didn't spend long on it as I had to put it up quickly. It was a last-minute idea. I'm not responsible for the design of the page.

A lot to think about, but that should help get me going in a better direction.

LOL. Human nature. I love it!

I told you the same basic message that thesalesbooster told you but
you responded to his post and not mines? Know why? He spoke
to from a personal level (he used YOU) and I gave you the professional
approach. I didn't challenge YOU as an individual but spoke about your
website instead.

This of course has nothing to do with the thread, except it's a lesson
in what gets people attention (and this is the copywriting forum).

The same personality fights that people complain about are the
same threads that seem to keep this section alive.

-Ray Edwards

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389433].message }}

Demographically Speaking

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

LOL. Human nature. I love it!

I told you the same basic message that thesalesbooster told you but
you responded to his post and not mines? Know why? He spoke
to from a personal level (he used YOU) and I gave you the professional
approach. I didn't challenge YOU as an individual but spoke about your
website instead.

This of course has nothing to do with the thread, except it's a lesson
in what gets people attention (and this is the copywriting forum).

The same personality fights that people complain about are the
same threads that seem to keep this section alive.

-Ray Edwards

That is an excellent point, actually. I didn't even consider that.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389513].message }}

sethczerepak 11 years ago

Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster

Well that's gotta be one of the shortest sales pages I've ever seen asking for $94.

I agree. You've got a lot of personality in the letter. That's good, but you need to work harder on building value and credibility. Otherwise, the fun personality driven stuff just makes you look like a circus sideshow. Plus, some of the grammar makes me wonder if this is an English speaking writer. For example:

"DO YOU EVEN LIFT?"

...makes no sense.

Not only that, the site...it doesn't exactly have me jumping up and down about your "magic." Sorry, but if you look at it, you'll see what I mean. I could do better myself, and I'm a horrible designer. Not only that, while the unique personality is interesting, "magic" tells me nothing about why I should hire you. It just leaves me shaking my head.

I know you're not really using magic, so while it's cute, it's just not valuable. A USP needs to be unique and interesting, but in a way that's valuable AND relevant to the target market and to their needs. Claiming to have magical powers just doesn't do that. Without building credibility and value, it keeps me from taking you seriously.

You really ought to save yourself the time and just hire someone. Pay a few thousand to get a good page done. The way I see it, at $94 a page, you could make the investment back quickly.

Or, just use your "magic" to drum up a winning sales page
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8390329].message }}
- Cool Hand Luke 11 years ago
  
  I laughed out loud when I came across "DO YOU EVEN LIFT?" on your site.
  
  For anyone who doesn't know (99% of people) that's a jokey-phrase from the bodybuilding community used to mock others, i.e. "Your legs are looking small bro, do you even lift?"
  
  I have no idea why you'd think this phrase has any place on a sales page for a website design service, but unless you're marketing exclusively to weightlifters, take it out.
  
  I won't even get into the fact that your sales page has no information about what you're actually providing, no samples, no testimonials, no price justification, etc, etc, etc.
  
  The page is worthless as is. Either hire a copywriter or start learning how to write copy yourself.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8390465].message }}

BenePark

11 years ago

I agree with Ray that it would work much better with a portfolio.

Whom are you targeted to? For those who have no any website? Then why do you say: "Is Your Website Living Up to Its Potential?"?

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389362].message }}

Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

Alright - here's your copy with my comments in brackets. The good news is there is a lot you can easily improve which will boost your sales.

Is Your Website Living Up to Its Potential? (Give some figures on the potential a great website can create)

Do you even have a website? (What would the benefits be if they didn't and decided to have one?)

DO YOU EVEN LIFT? (What does that mean?)

Well, if the answer to any of these questions is “no,” you have most certainly come to the right place (You have to tell them why. Tell them who you are. Give stacks of credibility. And a portfolio of stunning websites - you need lots of evidence and testimonials)

Because we, the Wordpress Wizards, will build YOU a new website! It will be snazzy! It will be fancy! (Do people want "snazzy and fancy?" They'll prefer a website that brings them a response. And you must design your website it so it demonstrates the quality of your work)

It will be professionally designed and magically called into existence by our expert team of wizards! (You have to explain all this - How expert are you? How good are your team? How experienced are you? How much do you care? Do you understand their business? - tell them why. How much effort will you make? How do you reduce any "risk" the client takes? What if the client isn't happy? Do you offer a guarantee?)

And the best part: you get to…

Take advantage of our Independence Day Special! (This has long gone - you need another reason for an offer)

For only $99 per page, we will use our ancient, black internet magic to summon you a website straight from the depths of the underworld (Tell them what you know about design. And how you make sure it attracts people. So the clients site looks great, people enjoy seeing it. The entire aim is to continuously produce a response. If you can, tell them the level of sales and profits you have helped produce for other clients)

With all the Zazz you would expect from any other website, except more, because we use magic (Do you need to mention "other" websites? If so, is it fair to say most are dreadful and explain why. Position yourself as much better. And give lots of reasons to justify this. What exactly is this "zazz" and this "magic"? Can you give some real specifics on how you ensure every site is enticing and a money maker?)

Oh, wait. Did we say $99? Well, we changed our minds. We’re wizards. We do that (Don't suggest you keep changing your mind. People may feel the the price will keep dropping)

How does $94 per page sound? (A price drop from $99 to $94 isn't exactly the most magical offer in the history of wizardness is it? But put a time limit on it to try and get people to act quickly)

Good, right? Yeah, we thought so, too. What are you waiting for? (Well, they'll be waiting for some compelling copy, proving beyond doubt that you will build a spectacular website. Again, you can really help do this if they see that your site looks brilliant with great copy)

Send us an e-scroll today to get started! (That's OK. But until you improve the copy and your website design it's unlikely many will - you just haven't convinced them)

Forget, or at least cutback on the "wizards", "sorcerers" and "magic." "Snazzy", "fancy", "ancient black internet magic" and "zazz."

And just concentrate on giving people what they want. In the way that they can't fail to "get."

A superbly designed website, entertaining, brimming with empathy and easy to read. With outstanding copy. All precisely geared at getting sales and making money. Where the "customer" never feels sold to - instead they want to press the "buy" button.

Try doing this - it will help get you a response.

Steve

[ 2 ] Thanks

Signature

http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8389414].message }}

ThomasOMalley

11 years ago

Count yourself as lucky you received such insightful comments about your site.

This is a message to everyone asking for a critique: why should we spend anytime reviewing your copy when you "just threw it together" ?

I highly recommend that you should just "throw out" your copy if you "just threw it together."

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8390513].message }}

Demographically Speaking

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Cool Hand Luke

I laughed out loud when I came across "DO YOU EVEN LIFT?" on your site.

For anyone who doesn't know (99% of people) that's a jokey-phrase from the bodybuilding community used to mock others, i.e. "Your legs are looking small bro, do you even lift?"

I have no idea why you'd think this phrase has any place on a sales page for a website design service, but unless you're marketing exclusively to weightlifters, take it out.

My partner and I wanted to go for humor, and we are wanting to start marketing offline mainly to musicians and bands, who probably would get the joke. But, no, in retrospect it really doesn't have a place.

I won't even get into the fact that your sales page has no information about what you're actually providing, no samples, no testimonials, no price justification, etc, etc, etc.

There was no real need for the incredibly small promotion we were running targeted at very few people within my own general geographic area. Things like this are being worked into the next version. However, you're correct.

Lets get off the design of the page. I'm not responsible for it and I already plan on changing it.

Either hire a copywriter or start learning how to write copy yourself.

The latter is my objective.

I know I requested bluntness, but there is a line past which it becomes unproductive and unhelpful.

Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley

I highly recommend that you should just "throw out" your copy if you "just threw it together."

I planned on it. The objective here is to find out if anything was salvageable, or if I have the right idea for any part of it.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8390693].message }}

Cool Hand Luke 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Demographically Speaking

Lets get off the design of the page. I'm not responsible for it and I already plan on changing it.

I didn't mention the design at all. I was talking about the copy... or rather the complete lack thereof.

Originally Posted by Demographically Speaking

I know I requested bluntness, but there is a line past which it becomes unproductive and unhelpful.

Maybe, but no one who responded crossed that line. You asked for a critique and received honest answers. If those answers upset you, that's really on you.

Originally Posted by Demographically Speaking

The objective here is to find out if anything was salvageable,

Nope.

Originally Posted by Demographically Speaking

or if I have the right idea for any part of it.

Nope.
- [ 2 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8390992].message }}
- Demographically Speaking 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Cool Hand Luke
  
  I didn't mention the design at all. I was talking about the copy... or rather the complete lack thereof.
  
  You're correct. That wasn't meant to be part of the reply to your quote. I didn't format that properly.
  
  Maybe, but no one who responded crossed that line. You asked for a critique and received honest answers. If those answers upset you, that's really on you.
  
  They don't upset me. "Hire a copywriter or learn copywriting yourself" is akin to telling someone to "google it." Its rather obvious and not exactly helpful. If I wanted to spend money on a copywriter, I would have done that, and the fact that I am here shows I am trying to learn copywriting. Am I wrong in that assessment? Either way, its not important, so I'll drop it.
  
  Nope.
  Nope.
  
  Excellent. Thank you.
  
  Let me be clear about something: I in no way, shape or form think this page is any good. I realized that about a week after putting it up. I very much want to learn how to make it not-crappy. I have been coming back to this page between my other projects and I honestly just don't know what to do with it. This thread is my attempt to get perspectives I would not have otherwise considered, and so far its very successful in that regard. My business partner in this and I are both presently working on other projects and plan on coming back to this eventually, so I'm not in a rush.
  
  Thanks to everyone who has replied.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8391020].message }}

1on1business

11 years ago

Well, the background is dull grey. The words are pixelated. There is no contact us. The list goes on and on with what is wrong with this page. If I were you I would look up www.AllProWebTools.com. It can build pages easily that are visually appealing and easy to create. You are on the right track, I just think there are a few changes that would make a major improvement.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8415107].message }}

Please critique my sales page

Trending Topics

Boat and Jet Ski Rentals...... Door Hangers Effective?

Are billboards still effective in driving customers?

Let's dissect the genius behind Nike's 'Just Do It' slogan. What makes it so powerful and timeless?

A Very Strange Internet Problem

4 underutilised SEO research approaches to explore