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Offline sales letter- need some pointers

by dean mcevoy
4 replies
Hey there everyone


im getting ready to start my own offline efforts but need some help with the sales letter, the start is reallt bugging me.

thanks a lot

Mcevoy Marketing







#letter #offline #pointers #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    If you were a business owner would any aspect of this
    letter persuade you to pick up the phone and pay
    the guy who sent it to you $1500 (I'm guessing at
    the exchange rate) ?

    Business owners get solicited all the time. This one
    will go in the trash. There's a lot to fixing it. I would
    say you should hire a copywriter or write at least 3 more
    drafts, starting from scratch each time and using a
    different approach.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      Hey Dean

      Its hard to put my finger on exactly what's wrong with it, but it really misses the mark. I didnt like your headline. I'm not sure it will connect. Grab a list of great headlines. Modelling this one "The Amazing Cash-Flow Secret Of A Desperate Nerd From Ohio".

      If you know of other businesses who have made a dramatic difference using email then weave your sales letter around that. I have heard of a fish and chip shop that collected email addresses of customers, then emailed them the afternoon of the slowest day of the week with a great special and it became the busiest night of the week. Look for an unusual story, but one that makes the prospect think "If THEY can do it, so can I!".

      Don't worry about your figures to prove the point. I got bogged down in them. Far better to PROVE your case, because without proof your numbers dont really mean anything because there's no reason to assume they're real.

      Put a grabber on it too. For example, a teabag. To see how to structure the opening just google "As you can see I have attached" and you'll find heaps of examples of how to use it.

      Also, from a marketing funnel point of view, to ask them for 750 pounds straight up is too tough an ask. You need some sort of sequence. I'd suggest you offer a free audit to show them at least 3 ways that email can help them grow their business.
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      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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      • Profile picture of the author dean mcevoy
        Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer View Post

        Hey Dean

        Its hard to put my finger on exactly what's wrong with it, but it really misses the mark. I didnt like your headline. I'm not sure it will connect. Grab a list of great headlines. Modelling this one "The Amazing Cash-Flow Secret Of A Desperate Nerd From Ohio".

        If you know of other businesses who have made a dramatic difference using email then weave your sales letter around that. I have heard of a fish and chip shop that collected email addresses of customers, then emailed them the afternoon of the slowest day of the week with a great special and it became the busiest night of the week. Look for an unusual story, but one that makes the prospect think "If THEY can do it, so can I!".

        Don't worry about your figures to prove the point. I got bogged down in them. Far better to PROVE your case, because without proof your numbers dont really mean anything because there's no reason to assume they're real.

        Put a grabber on it too. For example, a teabag. To see how to structure the opening just google "As you can see I have attached" and you'll find heaps of examples of how to use it.

        Also, from a marketing funnel point of view, to ask them for 750 pounds straight up is too tough an ask. You need some sort of sequence. I'd suggest you offer a free audit to show them at least 3 ways that email can help them grow their business.
        Thanks mate, great advice iv already started to act on.
        by the way iv just signed up for your list.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by dean mcevoy View Post

    Hey there everyone


    im getting ready to start my own offline efforts but need some help with the sales letter, the start is reallt bugging me.

    thanks a lot

    Mcevoy Marketing
    Hey Dean,

    Ya, I agree with Hugh, you could use a grabber. Money is always a good one. When you make your mailing make sure you just use plain white envelopes, a real stamp, your name in the corner and your prospects name out front.

    You should "Z" fold your letter and make sure you put the letter facing the back of the envelope so your headline is the first thing that your prospect will see.

    If you don't want to use money use a good headline and a great story, something like this...


    Want to make more money?...




    How To Flood Your Business
    With More Customers Than
    You Cand Handle

    Top advertising expert reveals
    how you can make more money
    with your existing customers


    Dear friend

    Did that headline get your attention?. I bet it did. Don't laugh it could happen. So, how do you get more customers to patronize your business. You get the ones that have already been there to come back. That's where I come in.

    Hi my name is Dean Mcevoy and I've discovered something that will increase your customer value and put extra money in your bank account. What is this that I'm talking about?. It's your E-mail.

    Yes, your E-mail. You see when you have your customers E-mail address you get to build a reltationship with them. You just don't E-mail them and say "come and buy my stuff". No . You offer them useful information and tips related to your business, and when you do have something to offer, it's easier for you to get them to come back to your store. You get to know your customers on a personal basis and then your bank account will begin to sky rocket with more money.

    Why?. Because people like to do business with people they know and trust. Also, E-mail is very cost effective and you can keep in contact with hundreds or even thousands of your customers. There's only one catch.

    You have to know what to say in those E-mails.

    This is my specialty... Etc...Etc...Etc...

    Dean, then go into why your the man to do the job, what else is in it for them. Someone mentioned price justification. If you have to, you could offer them a free consultation.

    Hope that helps out.

    Bill Jeffels
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