Please critique my calling script

As the title says please let me know what you think.
Also a huge thanks to Jason Kanigan who I stole a couple of lines from.

If Gatekeeper:

"Hi I'm a little unsure on who I need to speak with, I wonder if you can help me, my name is ......... and I help <their business type> to generate more customers from online marketing [pause]"

If the gatekeeper puts you through great, if they are hesitant say

"It is usually someone who deals with marketing"


If Owner:

"Hi <client name>, am I calling at a bad time?"

If Yes - "No problem I'll try again later"

If No - "Great, Let me quickly tell you why I called and then I'll let you decide whether or not we should continue talking. Does that sound fair?"

If No - "Ok, Thank you for your time"

If Yes - "Thank you, I appreciate that. My name is .......... And I help local business in <location> to generate more customers through the internet. Many of our clients had a website but were getting very few customers from it, I done some quick research before calling you today and I found that XXXXXX amount of searches are being done a month for <business type> in <location>. We can help make sure that these people become your customers and don't go to your competitors instead. Is this something that would interest you?"

If No - "Ok that is fine but just to let you know we will be shortly contacting <name one of their competitors> and other <business type> in <location> to offer them this same service."

If Yes - "Good, How we tend to operate is that we build a website on your behalf and get it ranked on the first page of google for people who are searching for things such as <business type> in <location>. We then let business such as yours either rent the website as a whole or simply pay an agreed amount for each call that they receive, usually in the region of $xx"

Usually a load of question get asked here, I'll state some of the obvious ones and their answers later.

Once the questions have finished and they seem happy.

"As you can see you are only paying for results here, something that in our opinion is a lot fairer than the lengthy contracts that don't even guarantee success, which is how our competitors tend to operate. In order to get this set up as quickly as possible all we are asking for is a payment of $100 for our time to edit your information into the website. You can either send this by paypal if you already have an account set up or pay by credit or debit card at <website address>."

Whichever they choose say "I'll stay on the line with you while you do that just in case you run into any problems."