Please Critique my Video Sales Script. Willing to learn!

Hi Kelvin,

I'm short on time right now, so here's some big picture stuff for you:

There's no proof - why should I believe you?

Who's the "I" and have they been in the business for over 30 years or since 1991?

Why are they making the offer?

What exactly does the prospect get?

Who's the target market, at the moment this seems to be aimed at anyone (which means it'll hit almost no-one)?

And finally, if at all possible you want to quantify the promise rather than just saying they get "happiness and fulfillment" (e.g. get an extra $10,000 a year or an extra 10 hours a week).

Boring, bad grammar, off-target, no credibility, BS false scarcity.

Hi all, after much discussion with the team, we have come up with this sales pitch. We took all your suggestions to heart and thought through the whole sales pitch and revamped it. It should be a lot more targeted now and we eliminated the false scarcity. Please have a look. Thank you so much once again for all your time and effort I really appreciate it.
__________________________________________________ ___________

LOOK around us.

How many people that we know are living happy and fulfilled lives?
In this presentation, you will understand exactly, what is the key to living a happy and fulfilled life.

For over 20 years,
I have helped people find out "what are the missing pieces of our life" that are causing a void in us.

Case in Point: Her name is Maureen

This true story appeared in our local newspaper. Maureen was 50 yrs old when this happened. During her best times working with a European bank, she was making $12,000 a month.
But when the economy went downhill, so did her job.

And for 2 years, she tried selling properties, insurance and even became a taxi driver while she continued to search for a job. Finally, a small local multi-media company offered her a job but with a hefty 75% pay cut. When she was asked why she took the job, she said "I have no choice," "I have bills to pay."

Some have already experienced Maureen's nightmare or may even end up with the same fate one day. For the 'survivors', you may experience this:

Unable to get a job you want, you are forced to get into a totally unrelated field, just to pay your bills. At the start, it's still bearable, but you are feeling like a frog in a gradually boiling pot. As days goes by, work becomes increasingly difficult.

• At first, you were handling 1 job for 1 salary. Slowly, and sadly, you were handling 2 or even 3 jobs for the same 1 salary.
  
• You are tired every single day.
  
• You work so hard to prove your worth to avoid being the next in line to be laid off.
• Your work just seems endless.
  
• Sometimes, You have to work late nights and on weekends just to meet deadlines.
  
• Office politics is the norm and you have to tread the line carefully to avoid being blamed for the next mistake someone made.
  
• You are punished with more work when you do well. There seems to be no reason or motivation to work hard.
  
• Yet it seems like you are left with no choice.

Some days, you feel that the pot is already boiling and you are still in it. You wonder when are you ever going to jump out of the pot. Some nights, you have an intense and strong URGE to just leave. To leave all these behind.

BUT fears hold you back:

• Can you find a job with equal or higher income?
• Will you be happier there than you're here?
• What about the few good friends that you have made here?
• What about your mortgage, car, and credit card debt which you are struggling to pay?
• Do you have enough for your family if you quit now?
• What about your Children's education funds?

All these questions run through your mind every single day.
You may even have to look for a 2nd or even 3rd income. You have heard of Business opportunities, Stocks, Forex, Network Marketing, Investing and Affiliate Marketing. However, you soon discover that your attempts are not as easy as claimed by the so-called experts. You may start to read lots of motivational books or go for seminars after seminars. You are desperate for a way out but are not sure what to do...

How do I know all this?

Because this happened to me too. Having no choice, I took up a Sales and Marketing job in my early years. In order to save cost, the Co. fired my colleague that was under performing and I was ordered to fill in his role. I had to fulfill 2 sales quotas and they called it "muIti-tasking". I was blamed for "taking his job". I hated the job as it was really tough, going from door to door, office to office. Yet I couldn't quit because of my family which I had just formed, with kids to feed.

My first overseas experience was when I was an given an Export Executive position in Indonesia. It trained my business acumen and deepened my character. It was tough doing business in a strange land with no contact and a totally different business environment.

Afterwards, I came back and set up my own business. It was going well.But When the oil crisis in 1985 hit, no one was spared. I put my company on hold and went back to the job market.

Wanting to bounce back from the set back, I became an Encyclopedia Distributor. Again, I was back to selling door to door, house to house.That was not easy having to eat my "humble pie" .Eventually, I became the division manager in charge of a team of 75 salesmen. That was when I gained much experience being a trainer. I was also asked to speak on multiple public platforms.

In 1991, a tycoon from Indonesia personally called me to help with a "turn around" job. I became the internal consultant and director for the largest Spa and Health Club in the whole of Indonesia. It was bleeding about US$30K every single month for 3years straight. The Club had internal corruption and was also not able to get enough members to this exclusive club. That required drastic change on the human side of the company.

To save the company and the jobs, I sent out a message : "Change or be Changed" to all staffs. I was forced to fire 138 staffs who refused to change. In 10mths, the Club made a turnover from a loss of US$30K every month to become a profit making joint.

When that project finished, I was head hunted to take up 2 appointments at the same time.
1.HR Director of a group company
2.Marketing Director in one of the companies in that same group, dealing with security systems.

By now, you may think that I was going to have a good life holding to 2 high positions. I thought so too.

But...

Even though I was paid 4 times more than the local directors, it is based on performance. Like some of you, I had to rush for different meetings and deadlines. My position is always on the line. Doing that every day was very taxing and emotionally draining.

I decided I need to prepare myself to get out and have my own business in future as an External Consultant. So, everyday after work, I went to the library to read and research until it closes. That was the needed sacrifice I have to make-I didn't have time for my family for 3years, while working my heart out everyday abroad. Finally, in 1994, I made the decision to leave the well paid positions. It was a risky decision as I didn't know if I was able to make it out on my own as a business consultant. I was fortunate in my 1st year in business to get a US$60k 6 month contract. Before the finishing of the 1st project, I was given an additional 3year US$250k contract from the same company.

Since then, I've coached, and mentored top companies in Asia and spoke on platforms in Australia and US. Some of these top companies include Petronas from Malaysia, Siemens, Singapore Press Holdings, Singapore Institute of management and more. Should any executive require my coaching, my market rate is $250/hour.

Whether it's about striving for 15yrs in sales and marketing, or being in business, or being a top executive, or facing the recessions,
In short,I have been there, and done that.

I know how it's like, because I have been through the process.
And I am going to share with you so that you don't have to make the same mistakes as I did.
After 40years in various fields, I could have retired by now if I wanted to.
But I've asked myself a question "What must I do and if I don't the world will miss it". and I am paying it forward with my KASH:

K - Knowledge
A - Attitude
S - Skill
H - Habits

But if You Remain the Same... What will You Get?

Some of my friends were once successful, but they became complacent and did not change with time. When I saw that they were retrenched in the financial crisis, my heart goes out to them. Not only were they all hard working and experienced people, they were loyal, committed to the company and worked there all their life. Only to get laid off with a "sorry, we can't keep you." They all felt used. When the crisis comes, No one is safe from it.

Do you want to be like Maureen, working all her life only to get fired at 50 years old?

Of course not!

Then, let me show you a way out.

That is why I created this introductory program titled:
"What is Missing in my Life?"

This labor of love is for you if you want only the practical truth without the fluff or the bluff.
It consist of 4 modules in 9 videos:

In Module 1,
I will address the topic about your Authentic self.
Who is the real you? Without it, you'll be living someone else's life.

The problem with a lot of people is that they are not authentic with themselves. In the cold and competitive world, most people try to adapt and force fit themselves to blend in. They don't understand that, being themselves is the most charming, most beautiful. Some of them are afraid to get into their Authentic self.

Upon completing of this module, you will gain a deeper discovery of your Authentic Self, that will give you the courage to bring about the changes in your life.

In Module 2,
It's Challenging your Assumptions.
Unknowingly, we often make bad choices in life when we have wrong Assumptions There are 3 very common yet dangerous assumptions
that I will address. I also touch on 3 reasons why we Assume.
Upon completing this module, you will see the world in a different way.

In Module 3,
It is about our inner Awareness of your power within.
You'll come to realise that everyone has this power within. Once unleashed, it will bring about colossal changes in your life. However, most people suppress this powerful force inside.

This power is very good as a servant but very bad as our Master. I'll share with you how to harness this power for success, and avoid common pitfalls.

As for Module 4,
This is the important module titled Acting on your Values.

This is the solid foundation of our life. Without it, it is like a ship without an Anchor.

We all have things we value, like wealth and cash- these are the things we strive for. There is nothing wrong with it. However, the problem is that, when we strive for such values only, even when we get it, we are not happy! The reason is because we have confused with the Means values and the Ends values in our life.

At the end of this module, you will be conscious of the different types of life values.This is something that many people get mixed up at some point in their lives. Understanding this will steer your life, and focus your energy on the right goals.

I will also share the one key thing that guides your every decision and determine the kind of values you go for in life.

Each video is concise and straight to the point, told with interesting stories, and thought provoking questions. Just right for the busy executive who don't have much time and want to learn in a fun way.

I promise this incredible program will get you started on building a foundation which will be very useful in your life journey.

I would usually charge a coaching session of $250/hour to share what I am sharing with you in this program.

However, today, my special price to you is just $9!

That's it... just $9 to set the right foundation to begin re-creating the life you deserve.

Click on the button below to get started.

Here's what others have to say about me and my content:

"I have encountered problems in my business in which Mr Mike has helped me overcome and even predict other upcoming challenges. Mike showed me the power and importance of having a good mentor. One of the many valuable lessons I have learnt from him includes how to change my paradigm to solve problems. These precious lessons have helped me overcome the FEAR in me to face every obstacle and think ahead. =D Thanks for the opportunity to learn."
- Lim Jun Rong

"Mr Mike is very humorous and knowledgeable, he makes learning session interactive and very captivating. "
- Kee Lum

"It's mind changing... it's mind renewing... it's the paradigm shift of the mindset!"
- Roger

"It has been a real blessing to have met and known Mr Mike thru one of his seminar. I have been attending seminars after seminars and have not seen any lasting change in my life.
Mr Mike guided me in a very Practical way to see effective change in my life. Today, many have seen my life change, I no longer procrastinate, I live a life full of passion and driven to succeed and achieve more.
If you have been looking for lasting change, practical mentor, Mr Mike will be your best bet to get the right footing starting from your mindset change. Thank you!"
- Pauline

I will also give a 100% money back guarantee if you don't learn anything.


As a bonus, your investment gives you a lifetime access to my closed door resources and community.

The support from the community and the resources are worth more than this
program itself.

Click the button below and start a life of happiness and fulfillment NOW!

In case you are still not decided,
Think about this, do you want to be like Maureen, spending your life climbing the corporate ladder only to realize it is leaning on the wrong wall?

If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, then this is the time to start anew.

Don't just keep doing what you are doing and expect, for different results, it won't work;it is the definition of insanity.

So Start your preparation to create your fulfilling and successful life.

• 9 videos,
• Support Community,
• Premium Membership

All for the giveaway price of $9.

It's a simple deal. Either you get it or you don't get it.
Got it?

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Click on the button below to get a head start in life.

Thank you.

throw some real testimonials from people that have actually used/tried your product. dont use fake ones, people usually can spot them from a mile away. as someone stated before, you need to give people a reason to believe your credentials...as a lot of people claim to be experts. im not discounting your knowledge, but im just stating that, i could say that im an expert without having anything to back me. who would buy the product? not many, i think, but if i said i was an expert while also proving it (testimonials/reviews, etc), then i think the product would fare much better.

if potential customers see that other people have found success using this product, your chances of conversion are that much better.

edit* just saw that addition in your newest revision.

LOOK around us.


How many people do we know that are living happy and fulfilled lives?
In this presentation, you will understand exactly what is key to living a happy and fulfilled life.

For over 20 years,
I have helped people find out "what the missing pieces in our life's are" . The pieces that are causing a void in us.

Case in Point take this executive for example: Her name is Maureen


True story! this appeared in our local newspaper. Maureen was 50 yrs old. During her best times she was making $12,000 a month, holding a great position with a European bank,
But when the economy went downhill, so did her job.

And for 2 years, Maureen tried selling properties, insurance and even became a taxi driver while she continued to search for a job. Finally, a small local multi-media company offered her a 9 to 5 but with a hefty 75% pay cut. When asked why she took the job, she said "I have no choice," "I have bills to pay."

Many have experienced Maureen's nightmare or are closer to the same fate without ever knowing. For the 'survivors', you may experience this:

Unable to get a job you want, you are forced to get into a totally unrelated field only to scrape by at paying your bills. At the start,






You lost me after that... oh and I changed a few things in the first part for you.

My initial reaction when seeing a price tag of $9 = not worth anything.

now, that's just a gut reaction... having seen comparable programs
for that price.

you might have the best damn program on earth... but at $9,
people are going to think it's not very valuable.

how many people truly value a $9 program.

heck, i've got thousands of free to $20 ebooks
on my hard drive, and i never even look at them.

but the programs I've paid $5,000... i keep them
near and dear to me.

so i'm afraid the low price tag just might put that
low perceived value thought into your market's head.

if this is a warrior offer, i get that there's an implication
of lower prices don't mean lower value, but as a whole..
i don't think you'll ever get where you want to be, in terms
of money or sales, with a $9 price tag.

i've sold a HECK of a lot more ebooks at $39 and $47
than I've ever sold at $19 or $29

anyways, just my thought... i'd raise the price so you can
raise perception of value... and attract a different quality
of prospect.