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Critique my marketing email

by JonnyNonsense
44 replies
Hi, I just produced this for a client, I wanted to get some outside opinions on it. My only concern is that it is a bit too 'salesy' for the industry. This is a business to business email, enticing service providers to advertise their company on a listings site.

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Subject line: Get new image consulting clients, with Beauty Directory

Dear Claire,

Looking for an easy way to get new clients? Get featured on a site visited by 120,000 people seeking health and beauty services every month.

Advertising your services on our site costs only £19.99 a year, a portion of which goes to charity. As a special promotion, we are offering an exclusive six-week guarantee: if you haven’t gained new clients through our site within six weeks, we will refund 100% of your fee, no questions asked.

We take no commission, and you can charge the new clients your normal rate.

What’s more, services like yours are in demand – some of our image consultants are getting up to six new clients a week, so there is no better time to join! Click here to see a sample listing.

What is Beauty Directory?

Beauty Directory is a directory site for health, beauty, fitness and spiritual service providers.

We have been featured in mainstream media, such as ITV News, Children in Need, Endemol productions, and numerous health magazines. As the leader in our field, we are the first stop for people seeking services like yours.

Why join the site?
• Beauty directory has 120,000 visitors a month, who could potentially see your page.
• We are heavily supported by the media.
• We have a high volume of requests for image consultancy services.
• Search Engine Optimised – our site gets high Google ranking when people enter search terms relevant to your business. As a member of our site, there is more chance your information will come up in Google searches.
• We donate a portion of your fee to charity, so you are contributing to something positive.

Special offer – running for the next week only

If you do not get new clients or are unsatisfied for any reason after 6 weeks, we fully refund your fee. By the way - to date, no one has ever asked for a refund!

We are running this special offer for 1 more week only – join up now to avoid disappointment.

Click here to join our site risk-free, and get exposure to potential new clients

Still not sure? Why not visit our testimonials page, and see what other people have said about us. Here’s one example:

‘I'm really impressed with your website, I have only been signed up a day and I have already had enquiries; I'm amazed, thank you so much.’
- Stella Dinesh, Makeup artist

Warmest Regards,

Jane Smith, Beauty Directory

Ps. Join up today, and we’ll get your page set up within 24 hours. We’ll also put you at the top of the list - meaning your listing will be seen first.


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p.s - I know this forum gets a lot of critique requests. Are there any other newbies who would like to critique each other's work on a regular basis?
#critique #email #marketing
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    The subject line is way too long. Get it skinny with a benefit.

    And I tried to read your email, but could not, which isn't a good sign.
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

      The subject line is way too long. Get it skinny with a benefit.

      And I tried to read your email, but could not, which isn't a good sign.
      What do you mean you couldn't read it?
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  • Profile picture of the author RobHardie
    The subject line is not really attention grabbing. And will they understand what 'image consulting clients' are? You have to make it easy to understand and attention grabbing. Ask yourself what your clients really want? What would make them sit up and take notice?I would say don't jump in with the price too early. Build the desire. Use a testimonial to say how this helped a customer to do XYZ.
    'Potentially see your page...' so they might not? That's a bit of a weak word.
    Rather than say about SEO just say 'we are ranked no.1 on google' or 'we are easy to find on google'
    Remember to answer the question that any client will have - "what's in it for me?" The media stuff is great but you have to tell them why it will be good for them. Explain/demonstrate how using the media exposure will produce results for them.
    A bit more work required I think - I hope this helps - regards - Rob
    Signature

    Why was your signature file linking to a domain owned by someone else?

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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by RobHardie View Post

      And will they understand what 'image consulting clients' are?
      This email will be sent specifically to image consultants (among others), so yes.

      Originally Posted by RobHardie View Post

      'Potentially see your page...' so they might not? That's a bit of a weak word.
      Rather than say about SEO just say 'we are ranked no.1 on google' or 'we are easy to find on google'
      I don't want to lie or making guarantees like '120,000 people will definitely see your advert'. That's a big statement. My client won't want to get sued!

      Originally Posted by RobHardie View Post

      I would say don't jump in with the price too early. Build the desire. Use a testimonial to say how this helped a customer to do XYZ.
      That's helpful, thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    The depressed, prison inmates, and nursing home patrons may take the time to read this...and I want to stress MAY...it's a toss up that greatly depends on whether or not they're calling a therapist, involved in a riot, or staring at the wall.

    I would suggest you keep it short, simple and attention grabbing, then link to your website where they can click and be presented with a visual and stunning presentation.

    Why write a whole book talking about a website? Just send them to it.
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      The depressed, prison inmates, and nursing home patrons may take the time to read this...and I want to stress MAY...it's a toss up that greatly depends on whether or not they're calling a therapist, involved in a riot, or staring at the wall.

      I would suggest you keep it short, simple and attention grabbing, then link to your website where they can click and be presented with a visual and stunning presentation.

      Why write a whole book talking about a website? Just send them to it.
      Isn't the whole point of sales letters/emails that the recipient will probably take the time to read if it is something that appeals to them? That said, I understand the value in being concise (I actually shaved 100 words off the client's original email).

      Bear in mind that this email will be sent to people who are already advertising online in some capacity.

      Thanks for your reply anyway.
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      • Profile picture of the author max5ty
        Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post

        Isn't the whole point of sales letters/emails that the recipient will probably take the time to read if it is something that appeals to them? That said, I understand the value in being concise (I actually shaved 100 words off the client's original email).

        Bear in mind that this email will be sent to people who are already advertising online in some capacity.

        Thanks for your reply anyway.
        Did you by any chance catch the drift of my post where I said keep it short, simple, attention getting and send them to the website?

        Don't confuse effort with results.

        Also, let me ask you this: Do you seriously believe, since you have a link to the site early on in the email, that your reader will click to the site, then go back to finish reading your email?

        And another question: You say it's evident certain techniques work, but they make the client uncomfortable.

        Really?

        Did you ask the client how successful they were with their current comfort level?

        Did they hire you to change things...or are you someone who simply knows how to write with proper punctuation, etc.?

        Good luck with your endeavors.
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        • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
          Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

          Did you by any chance catch the drift of my post where I said keep it short, simple, attention getting and send them to the website?

          Don't confuse effort with results.

          Also, let me ask you this: Do you seriously believe, since you have a link to the site early on in the email, that your reader will click to the site, then go back to finish reading your email?

          First point - yes, I did read that part, I was responding to it directly. What I mean is, aren't there times when longer copy is appropriate? Isn't this one of those times?

          Originally Posted by max5ty View Post


          Also, let me ask you this: Do you seriously believe, since you have a link to the site early on in the email, that your reader will click to the site, then go back to finish reading your email?
          Is there an actual reason for the hostility I'm getting from you? I didn't come here saying 'look at my perfect email', I came asking for help from other copywriters - you don't need to give me a hard time over one mistake.

          I've read elsewhere on this forum that it's a good idea to put the link to the sales page more than once in the marketing email, which is why I put it twice. If they are on the site, surely at that point the email has done its job? On the other hand, if they didn't click through it makes sense to keep pitching and then give them the link again, surely?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Do you really think that's gonna get your Client's foot in the door?

    Think about it.

    You're an image consultant. Or at least you want to be.

    You don't know how to market. You don't know zip how to generate leads online for yourself. You can sell, but only once you've had a chance to meet or talk with the prospect one on one to find out about their situation.

    You're desperate for business, but you're cautious. You don't want to be scammed out of what little money you have left.

    And one more thing: You're worried about the competition. You're intimidated and afraid of the thought of putting your image consulting talents up against others online toe to toe.

    You've tried lots of things for free that failed to produce even one lead. Let alone one Client.

    You even tried one service where they charged you hundreds of pounds. Pounds you couldn't afford. But they were so convincing.

    Still... not one Client.

    Damn, if you could just get your phone to ring or at least a few emails every day you could answer, the world would be a far better place.

    Where do you go? What do you do? Who do you trust to help you?

    These are the things that keep you up at night. Up at night, staring at the ceiling.

    But you have a dream of being an professional in demand image consultant. Just like those in Hollywood dressing the stars.

    ----

    I don't think I'm too far off, but that's your market. They're struggling. Think you can help them decide in your Client's favor?

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author DanSharp
    I'll second Rick.

    As for your headline... You did great putting your benefit in the headline. Unfortunately, you didn't phrase it in a compelling way...

    "Get new image consulting clients, with Beauty Directory"

    Yes, this is simple and direct. Go ahead and test it, once you have some more ideas. But you'll find that almost anything will outperform it... like "Get up to six new clients a week (or more) with Beauty Directory" for example. Or "Get more clients with the Internet's biggest beauty directory." Or "Get in front of 120,000 clients a month with Beauty Directory."

    And those are really just for starters... you can do far, far, far better. Look at some old ads (put together a headline swipe file) and steal those.
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by DanSharp View Post

      As for your headline... You did great putting your benefit in the headline. Unfortunately, you didn't phrase it in a compelling way...

      "Get new image consulting clients, with Beauty Directory"

      Yes, this is simple and direct. Go ahead and test it, once you have some more ideas. But you'll find that almost anything will outperform it... like "Get up to six new clients a week (or more) with Beauty Directory" for example. Or "Get more clients with the Internet's biggest beauty directory." Or "Get in front of 120,000 clients a month with Beauty Directory."

      And those are really just for starters... you can do far, far, far better. Look at some old ads (put together a headline swipe file) and steal those.
      Thanks very much for some actual useable advice. I did think about doing a headline like that. The only problem is that I'm being wary of making the email too 'salesy' - yes we know that these techniques get results but it seems to make clients uncomfortable. I'm trying to go with the tone of voice of the industry, also.


      BTW, you said you 'second' Rick - on what exactly? Rick - thanks for taking the time to write that post but I'm a bit confused about what you're trying to convey. Are you saying the email should try and appeal to image consultants as if they are starving actresses or something?
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post

        BTW, you said you 'second' Rick - on what exactly? Rick - thanks for taking the time to write that post but I'm a bit confused about what you're trying to convey. Are you saying the email should try and appeal to image consultants as if they are starving actresses or something?
        I'm saying you don't understand your market yet.

        You wrote from the position of waving your Client's directory around, wanting to reach into some poor image consultant's pocket and take their money.

        Nothing wrong with that, except it won't get you sales.

        Go back and read what I wrote in my last post. Study it. It has a few of the keys the market will respond to.

        The second thing is your email fails to invoke and satisfy curiousity. Yours should be positioned as content.

        For instance, let's just take your headline:

        "Get new image consulting clients, with Beauty Directory"

        Out of gate, you're telegraphing you're selling your Beauty Directory. Nobody's gonna care. Nobody's gonna open.

        Nobody.

        Nobody wants to buy space in a beauty directory. Nobody's lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, thinking "Man, I wish there was a beauty directory I could advertise in!"

        However, if you offered interesting, useful advice to someone to help build their image consulting business, well now we have a shot at getting their attention.

        So let's try a few things:

        ----

        How Top Image Consultants Are Getting 3 New Clients Every 7 to 10 Days

        Attention Image Consultants: How to Dress Your Business for Success And Attract New Clients

        1 Weird Way to Grow Your New Image Consulting Business

        ----

        Those emails stand a better shot of getting opened by your target market.

        Need an example? Study this:

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...rking-now.html

        Third, one email isn't going to cut it. You need a 3 or 5 email campaign to do it justice.

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          I'm saying you don't understand your market yet.

          You wrote from the position of waving your Client's directory around, wanting to reach into some poor image consultant's pocket and take their money.

          Nothing wrong with that, except it won't get you sales.

          Go back and read what I wrote in my last post. Study it. It has a few of the keys the market will respond to.

          The second thing is your email fails to invoke and satisfy curiousity. Yours should be positioned as content.

          For instance, let's just take your headline:

          "Get new image consulting clients, with Beauty Directory"

          Out of gate, you're telegraphing you're selling your Beauty Directory. Nobody's gonna care. Nobody's gonna open.

          Nobody.

          Nobody wants to buy space in a beauty directory. Nobody's lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, thinking "Man, I wish there was a beauty directory I could advertise in!"

          However, if you offered interesting, useful advice to someone to help build their image consulting business, well now we have a shot at getting their attention.

          So let's try a few things:

          ----

          How Top Image Consultants Are Getting 3 New Clients Every 7 to 10 Days

          Attention Image Consultants: How to Dress Your Business for Success And Attract New Clients

          1 Weird Way to Grow Your New Image Consulting Business

          ----

          Those emails stand a better shot of getting opened by your target market.

          Need an example? Study this:

          http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...rking-now.html

          Third, one email isn't going to cut it. You need a 3 or 5 email campaign to do it justice.

          - Rick Duris
          Rick, I didn't understand your post the first time round, I still don't get what you mean now. You say I don't understand the market yet, can you humour me and just spell out for me what I'm missing here?

          Thanks for the advice on the subject line, that's helpful.

          Bear in mind the recipients of these emails are more open than you might expect. They are generally people who are actually already in business, but like many self employed people they do want new clients. I don't want to oversell to them.
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          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post

            Rick, I didn't understand your post the first time round, I still don't get what you mean now. You say I don't understand the market yet, can you humour me and just spell out for me what I'm missing here?

            Thanks for the advice on the subject line, that's helpful.

            Bear in mind the recipients of these emails are more open than you might expect. They are generally people who are actually already in business, but like many self employed people they do want new clients. I don't want to oversell to them.
            Did you study the link I gave you?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    And what did you get out of it as it applies to your project?
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Hello Jonny

      I'm a British copywriter based in Cornwall.

      American written psychology is a little different to what we're used to over on this side of the pond.

      Allow me to give you an analogy, a translation if you will. (Hope you don't mind Rick)?

      You're in the Fox and Hounds or the Dog and Duck Jonny.

      Some geezer, he's been knocking back one too many John Smith's. He sidles up to you and starts talking in garbled gibberish. You being somewhat more sober than he is, you dismiss his gibberish, needing your own space to think clearly.

      Why do you wave him away Jonny? Because he's not making any sense. He's not providing any good reason for you to engage with him in conversation. He is merely interrupting your otherwise good thought patterns.

      Do you see where I'm going with this?

      Your positioning with the wording you're choosing to use with this email will make little impact in the mind of your designated target market.

      Which fact is going to hurt your conversion rate.

      Ask yourself, what is the actual conversation going on inside your ideal prospects mind?

      What is, what are these individuals top frustration right now?

      What emotion are they going through in their mind individually and collectively?

      What is keeping them up at night worrying about the solution (which you claim to be their problem)?

      Identify yourself clearly and succinctly with this target market demonstrating you understand their dominant need for more exposure.

      Enter directly into this conversation going on inside their mind.

      Prove by way of clearly presented benefits that you are the answer to their prayers and then position your email/s / service to provide them with their ideal solution which moves them away from frustration and pain to pleasure upon finding out about what exactly you can do for them.

      Rick is saying your current positioning is skewed. I agree wholeheartedly. Your offer is garbled at the moment. Just like the drunk geezer in the pub in the metaphor provided above.

      You need to look at this market more carefully to prove as clear as crystal you understand inside out the current problems faced by the very people you're trying to reach and help.

      Now, before you do anything else, rewrite your main headline 25 times in the next 45 minutes. Keep it benefit driven stirring up just one core emotion.

      Use a timer, set it to 45 minutes (to put the pressure on your subconscious mind to deliver the best main headlines) and start writing out those main headlines at top speed. You may be amazed by your own results when you start doing this. A little useful practical tip for you.

      Then run the main headline/s past me or any one of us here and we might be able to help you pick a really good one out.

      From this main headline, you can then write out the rest of your offer following in the wake of this benefit driven new main headline you're going to be using.

      Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post


      Dude, I dunno. Is this a test now? I just asked for some advice on my letter and I seem to be getting homework from you.If I knew everything about copywriting I wouldn't be asking for help.

      I'm just getting people being condescending though, or wanting me to 'earn' their help. Guys, seriously if you don't wanna help me you don't have to. But if you are gonna help, why not just be straightforward. You're copywriters, you should be able to communicate better than anyone.
      You are getting homework yes. We're not going to do this for you unless you pay one of us to do this for you on your behalf. So in fact the guys above are trying to help you to the best of their ability.

      The onus is on you (not them) to get this right. You're the one here with everything to gain from this exercise. There's nothing in it for us. We're just trying to help you but at the moment unfortunately, you're not listening carefully enough Jonny.

      For your own good stick a sock in it for a second, take a deep breath and start reading and listening more to the free advice on offer.

      Many of us posting in this thread have got millions of dollars worth of conversions under our belts. Most of us in this thread also teach this subject.

      Now listen and apply the knowledge we're imparting to you or stop wasting our time.

      The choice is yours.

      Smoking hot,


      Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
    Dude, I dunno. Is this a test now? I just asked for some advice on my letter and I seem to be getting homework from you.If I knew everything about copywriting I wouldn't be asking for help.

    I'm just getting people being condescending though, or wanting me to 'earn' their help. Guys, seriously if you don't wanna help me you don't have to. But if you are gonna help, why not just be straightforward. You're copywriters, you should be able to communicate better than anyone.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Jonny,

    Rick is trying to tell you to climb inside the brain of a typical image consultant and speak the same thoughts/language that they speak to themselves.

    I'm guessing you're getting hung up on his use of the word "you" in his first post.

    Replace it with "they" if it helps you understand his point, which is right on target, btw.

    You may not like having to "earn" your help, but it's far better help.

    Brian
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    Brian McLeod
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    You've positioned the service... poorly.

    Position, position, position.

    You're using the wrong language.

    Listen to Rick.

    He's giving you gold on a silver platter.

    Mark
    Signature
    Why has my copy generated over 500 million in sales?
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Jonny subscribe to this, it's brilliant...

      How to Turn an Email Marketing Disaster Into Profit - Psychotactics
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        Is this the real Mark Andrews?

        I've missed you.

        The forum is boring without you.

        Adam

        p.s. are the dosages working now

        p.p.s. Have you missed the dumb replies by the op. Here Rick does a great reply and gets ripped by the OP for it. Are you ready to take on more clueless newbies ???

        Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

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        The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
          Banned
          Dosages? Watch it lad.

          I have never ever, ever taken one single pill in my life prescribed by a doctor. Never ever. Not that they've ever been prescribed to me in the first place in all my life. Unlike undoubtedly many here who do actually need them.

          Thanks for the welcome back Adam, I hope everything is good in your part of the world.

          Clueless newbies? Take them on?

          Perhaps. Perhaps not. We'll see.

          It depends. Not my call.

          Smoking hot,


          Mark Andrews
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          • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
            I'm only teasing u because I like u. Hopefully u take no offense.

            I hope u get to post more often.

            Mark Andrews.... the legend continues.

            Welcome back.

            Adam

            P.s. you notice the Boring posts these days? Maybe it's the summer so the vet warriors are on vacation. Not sure.

            P.p.s. without pills I could of never graduated college.



            Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

            Dosages? Watch it lad.

            I have never ever, ever taken one single pill in my life prescribed by a doctor. Never ever. Not that they've ever been prescribed to me in the first place in all my life. Unlike undoubtedly many here who do actually need them.

            Thanks for the welcome back Adam, I hope everything is good in your part of the world.

            Clueless newbies? Take them on?

            Perhaps. Perhaps not. We'll see.

            It depends. Not my call.

            Smoking hot,


            Mark Andrews
            Signature

            The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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            • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
              Banned
              No I don't mind, not in the slightest
              Adam. It's all good. I've actually got
              a much thicker skin than many give
              me credit for.

              Rib away.

              Smoking hot,


              Mark Andrews
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            • Profile picture of the author max5ty
              Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


              P.s. you notice the Boring posts these days? Maybe it's the summer so the vet warriors are on vacation. Not sure.
              Could it be you've just become so advanced in your knowledge, everything seems trivial?

              Do you no longer get a tear in your eye when you lay in bed and stare at the posters lining your bedroom walls of the great copywriters of days gone by?

              You might want to grab a copy of my latest book that will be out soon: "How To Squeeze A Landing Page Through A Sales Funnel While Sitting On The Toilet".

              Got the idea from that guy that sold a course on making money in your underwear.

              My book might just be what you need to get that spark back.
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              • Profile picture of the author ScottDudley
                The most important part of the email (the subject line) is not compelling enough, and reeks of a sales pitch. Not many people are going to bother opening up an email with a subject line like this.

                You need to get a bit more imaginative to get the persons attention.

                And the body of the email is focusing far too much on Beauty Directory, and not the prospect. When it comes down to it the person reading the email will be asking what is in it for me, and they don't care about Beauty Directory.

                The email is not personal enough, and is obviously a promotion.

                I would advise to start talking about the problems that the prospect might be experiencing, and then how Beauty Directory can solve these problems.
                Signature

                Scott Dudley is a direct response Copywriter from Perth, Australia, who also specializes in writing sales letters and emails for his clients. You can see samples of his portfolio at http://scottdudley.net/blog/portfolio/ or contact him on Skype by adding the username: Scott_Dudley

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              • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
                You are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

                since I don't sell copywriting services like a lot of the regular posters here, I don't have the desire to waste my time replying to a lot of these questions.

                What bothers me even more is when high quality people (like Rick Duris) reply and the OP blows them off.

                EFFF Me!

                Why ask for help and then blow off the people giving it?????

                Even if the OP doesn't like the advice, at least appreciate the fact somebody took their time to respond.

                Maybe I should offer a copy service and start posting more often.

                I just did a campaign that cost $974.39 and grossed around $50,000.

                Not too shabby.

                Plus, the LTCV is pretty high.

                I know this sounds lame, but I do really miss Mark.

                He was entertaining. And remember Paul Mccullian (or sometimes like that)??? The Irish guy. He was entertaining too.

                I truly believe an under-looked aspect of great copy is that it's entertaining.

                Some may call that "attention" or "interest".

                I call it entertainment.

                Look at all the trash mags. Or TMZ. Or the NFL. Or PGA.

                It's just entertainment.

                And they get read.

                I really think the entertainment value was the "secret" weapon Halbert had in his bat-belt.

                Carlton too.

                Anyway, I need to go back to actually making money.



                Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

                Could it be you've just become so advanced in your knowledge, everything seems trivial?

                Do you no longer get a tear in your eye when you lay in bed and stare at the posters lining your bedroom walls of the great copywriters of days gone by?

                You might want to grab a copy of my latest book that will be out soon: "How To Squeeze A Landing Page Through A Sales Funnel While Sitting On The Toilet".

                Got the idea from that guy that sold a course on making money in your underwear.

                My book might just be what you need to get that spark back.
                Signature

                The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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                • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
                  Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

                  You are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  since I don't sell copywriting services like a lot of the regular posters here, I don't have the desire to waste my time replying to a lot of these questions.

                  What bothers me even more is when high quality people (like Rick Duris) reply and the OP blows them off.

                  EFFF Me!
                  It's absurd to be given such valuable advice by a proven, seasoned veteran and act like a spoiled brat. But some people are too busy taking things personally to see the underlying value they're being given.

                  I'm not saying the OP is unappreciative. But he certainly came off that way in his responses to Rick.

                  Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

                  I know this sounds lame, but I do really miss Mark.

                  He was entertaining. And remember Paul Mccullian (or sometimes like that)??? The Irish guy. He was entertaining too.

                  I truly believe an under-looked aspect of great copy is that it's entertaining.

                  Some may call that "attention" or "interest".

                  I call it entertainment.
                  The entertainment value Mark brought here was good. But his bluntness either elevated the conversation or degenerated it. There wasn't much in-between.

                  That being said...

                  His input is missed... again.

                  Mark
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                  Why has my copy generated over 500 million in sales?
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      @ Mark Andrews - thanks for your post. I understand you and Rick are saying I'm not identifying with the target market incorrectly. In fact I understood that straight away. I just don't get why.

      I'm being told 'your positioning is skewed' and 'your offer is garbled' but you aren't really giving me any explanation beyond that, so what am I supposed to learn from it?

      In a nutshell all I'm being told here is 'you're doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong' without coherent advice on how to do it right. Here's a nice example:

      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      You've positioned the service... poorly.

      Position, position, position.

      You're using the wrong language.

      Listen to Rick.

      He's giving you gold on a silver platter.

      Mark

      Great. Really helpful. Would anyone mind explaining how or why it's wrong? What is the image consulting mindset that I'm not understanding here? Because one of my clients is an image consultant and she's certainly not desperate for money or devoid of clients with nowhere to turn.

      I'm not expecting anyone to do the work for me, I would just like to know why my approach is incorrect. I did learn something useful about the subject line, thanks for that guys, I will try coming up with some more. Rick, the part about invoking and satisfying curiosity was helpful, so thanks for that also.

      Lastly I'm sorry if someone thinks I'm wasting their time, but if if people choose to write a 500 word cryptic answer when they could just say a couple of clear sentences, that's their choice.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post


        @ Mark Andrews ... but if if people choose to write a 500 word cryptic answer when they could just say a couple of clear sentences, that's their choice.
        Blah blah blah - oh the irony. You're missing the point again. I owe you nothing. Rick owes you nothing. Mark Pescetti owes you nothing.

        Stop with the attitude, your emotions are getting in the way of you listening to the advice on offer. JonnyNonsense? Aye. You're not wrong there mate. Stop talking 'nonsense' and start making more sense.

        Your question has been answered but you're just choosing to ignore it. Unhinge the block. The obstacle you're stumbling over is yourself.

        Go back and read much more carefully Rick Duris reply to you. He suggested you do the same above.

        Do this and the answer which you think you haven't been given, you'll find has already been given to you. Only you can't see it because you're allowing yourself to get in the way of yourself understanding the solution which has already been provided.

        That's not cryptic. That is right in your face plain as daylight as you're likely to get.

        If you cannot be bothered to dig a little deeper to really uncover Rick's advice to you, that's your problem. Own it. Take responsibility for it. Then when you've read it through more carefully - make those changes.

        We're not going to do this for you without being paid to do so. We can only go so far to help you. The rest is up to you.

        Smoking hot,


        Mark Andrews

        PS Read this too: http://BenSettle.com/blog/
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post

        Because one of my clients is an image consultant and she's certainly not desperate for money or devoid of clients with nowhere to turn.
        Good for her.

        What about the other image consultants who DO want and need more business? What's their mindset?
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        Why has my copy generated over 500 million in sales?
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        • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
          @ Mark Andrews - not trying to have attitude, I don't think anybody owes me anything. I have been gracious in this thread and thanked everyone who offered me some advice. Personally I don't think saying 'I don't understand' or 'can you explain further' should be taken as an insult, nor is it deserving of condescension. But hey, this is the internet.

          Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

          Good for her.

          What about the other image consultants who DO want and need more business? What's their mindset?
          Thanks for engaging me Mark. I think all of them are interested in standing out from the crowd, because their competitors offer similar services. However with image consultants, appearance is important and they all want to appear like they have their 'finger on the pulse', and that they are already very successful. They have to appear as an authority on style/fashion. Most of them have websites, but as there is so much competition they are probably looking for ways that they can get more exposure online and climb google rankings. Am I on the right track?
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          • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
            Originally Posted by JonnyNonsense View Post

            with image consultants, appearance is important and they all want to appear like they have their 'finger on the pulse', and that they are already very successful.
            Ask yourself, "why?" - why is it important to them to appear like they have their finger on the pulse and are already successful.

            What does appearing successful to others do for them?


            They have to appear as an authority on style/fashion
            Again, why? What does being perceived as an authority do for them? What would that being true for them actually mean for them in their business?

            Most of them have websites, but as there is so much competition they are probably looking for ways that they can get more exposure online and climb google rankings.
            Why do they have a website? What result do they want the website to accomplish for them?

            Why do they want more exposure? What do they believe climbing google's serps will actually mean for their business?

            In their imagination, what does their business look like once they've gotten all those things you've listed?

            Am I on the right track?
            You're close, just take it up another level - from "thing" to "benefit".

            Having a website is a thing. Having a reliable source of qualified leads that turn into all the money they've been dreaming of is a benefit.

            Last swing at bat for me while I wait for my web host to finish a tech update.

            Good luck with it,

            Brian
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            Brian McLeod
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            • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
              Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

              Ask yourself, "why?" - why is it important to them to appear like they have their finger on the pulse and are already successful.

              What does appearing successful to others do for them?


              Again, why? What does being perceived as an authority do for them? What would that being true for them actually mean for them in their business?
              Because they have to build up themselves as a leader type. Their clients are putting a lot of trust in them because they want to look better so they can get that new job or meet a new lover etc, and generally lead a happier life. Using a stylist is a luxury, and they charge quite a lot - so the client has to be able to trust that their services will be worth the money.



              Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post


              Why do they want more exposure? What do they believe climbing google's serps will actually mean for their business?

              They need to create a reputation for themselves, which is important as they are selling their services as an expert. The higher up they are in google, the more successful they look - which means they will be seen as an expert and can charge more for their servces.



              Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post


              In their imagination, what does their business look like once they've gotten all those things you've listed?
              I think the end game really is that they have a good enough reputation that they receive most of their work through referrals and through PR. They become a sought-after provider and get high-profile clients, which in turn helps them get more work and charge more etc. They don't have to advertise much, because people come to them.


              Am I more on the right track now? This has given me some more ideas anyway, so thanks for your help mate.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    They might have the facade of being successful, but that doesn't mean they are.

    How about these scenarios:

    I'm just starting out. I've built a website. Got a few clients. A couple testimonials. I'm presenting myself as being successful, but I'm far from making a living. I need help! How do other image consultants build their successful businesses?

    Or...

    I'm only busy on and off. I'm looking for a way to get my brand more exposure and create a much more reliable business. I don't want to appear to be desperate; part of the success I have is creating the facade of being in-demand. How can I get more targeted traffic, without damaging how I present myself?

    Or...

    I have a lot of business, but I'm afraid it could dry up at a moment's notice. I need to find a passive way to keep driving traffic onto my website - so I can easily maintain both my image and bottom line. What are other top brand consultants using these days to advertise themselves anyway?

    Mark

    P.S. Here's an example of something i did for a lead generation company marketing to MLM Distributors:

    Easily Produce 10 Qualified Leads Every Single Week &
    Run Your MLM Business Exactly Like the Top Earners Do
    (Even if you're a total Network Marketing Newbie.)

    No hype.

    Just honest information about what's really possible - IF the prospects utilize the system. You have that same opp.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Let's tackle this from another angle, jonnynonsense.

    If I told you that you could NEVER write another advert, but you still had to sell that beauty directory via email, how would you get the job done?

    What tools do you have as a copywriter?

    It's not a trick question.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: By the way, read your email again. Where's the emotion? Where's the tugging at the heartstrings?

    It's something to think about, isn't it?
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Let's tackle this from another angle, jonnynonsense.

      If I told you that you could NEVER write another advert, but you still had to sell that beauty directory via email, how would you get the job done?

      What tools do you have as a copywriter?

      It's not a trick question.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: By the way, read your email again. Where's the emotion? Where's the tugging at the heartstrings?

      It's something to think about, isn't it?
      In terms of tools I have as a copywriter, I could use intrigue, making a promise, create jealousy/competitiveness, be personal, be understanding/reassuring, create a scarcity mentality. Those spring to mind for this project anyway.

      Maybe I could appeal to their ego? Image consultants and people in beauty are often very proud, and part of the reason they do what they do is because they want to be in the spotlight themselves and they want to be seen as an authority. So maybe an option would be to frame it as in invitation because we heard about their skills or were impressed by their work.

      Although I think the angle you were suggesting before was to try and create an answer to their problems. So maybe I should talk about how hard it is to stand out among people who offer the same services, and how difficult it can be to promote an individual service provider’s website.

      Then I can tell them about this particular directory site, which has 1000’s of visitors and relatively few stylists (or similar service providers) compared to the rest of the internet.

      I'm gonna try and find a way to 'tug at the heartstrings' also.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    We are running this special offer for 1 more week only – join up now to avoid disappointment.
    Gee... I best hurry then... I don't want anymore disappointment in my life.

    OP, your writing sucks dogballs. As does your attitude. Give up. You're never gonna make it as a copywriter. Stop wasting our time. You...are...not...listening.
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    • Profile picture of the author JonnyNonsense
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Gee... I best hurry then... I don't want anymore disappointment in my life.

      OP, your writing sucks dogballs. As does your attitude. Give up. You're never gonna make it as a copywriter. Stop wasting our time. You...are...not...listening.
      As I've said before, I didn't come here showing off about how great my email was. I came asking for help. I might be a 'clueless newbie', but everyone was a newbie at some point. Do you laugh at fat guys at the gym too?
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    I think I saw a few comments to this effect, but...before you worry about your email, you need to worry about how to create a compelling offer that shows your customers that you want to make their lives easier...add value to their lives first, and hopefully do that for free.
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  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    The job of an email is to the click. It is not to sale an item. Your sales page that you want clicked on is where you sale. I like to start the emails out with a story and then slowly transition them to click on the link.
    Signature

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Thanks for the thoughts, guys. The OP has respectfully apologized to me offline.
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  • Profile picture of the author mmchael
    Jonny - write several emails.

    Put yourself in an excited and emotional state and start writing.

    Start with the subject line. It's your heading.

    Brainstorm your heading - go crazy with it until something clicks. Then the email should follow on from the story set in the headline and be short - you just want to get people clicking to your site. That's the goal of the email. Then the landing page does the sale.

    Get seen by 120,000 beautiful eyeballs.

    120,000 people in the world of fashion, health and beauty world in the UK are clicking around our site each month. Want to get right up and close with them? Click here and I'll tell you exactly how you can do that right now...

    We're a local British business that's been running for xx years with a regular following from people like Stella.

    ‘I'm really impressed with your website, I have only been signed up a day and I have already had enquiries; I'm amazed, thank you so much.’
    - Stella Dinesh, Makeup artist

    We can help you reach more people like Stella in the health, fashion and beauty world in the UK. Let me show you how (link) or simply reply and I'll explain further.

    I am looking forward to getting you more business in the local beauty, fashion and health industry.

    Sincrely
    James Smith


    How would you reach 120,000 Beautiful People?

    Hi Jane Smith

    Well maybe they're not all Beautiful. But 120,000 people each month go all over our site looking for health, fashion and beauty sites, resources and more. I can get you on our site and have more details for you here (link)

    ..... bit of background

    ... closing


    Then go again and again and again. Should be able to do 20 in an hour. Most will be rubbish but the more you do the better it will get and your ideas will sharpen.
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